Captain America Review (3/3)
May 26th, 2012 § 2 Comments
Click here to read part 1 and here to read part 2.
When we left Captain America, Brackett had just kidnapped Tina and Wendy. This is the closest thing to tension that this movie has created thus far and I’ve been more in suspense waiting for a microwave to count down to zero. We see Mills and Steve talking about it at the lab, a few hours after Wendy has gone missing. I’m extremely glad that the writers decided to increase the pace by making a few hours happen without the viewer actually experiencing the few hours. This movie is about four days long in total, and I’m not talking about the length of the plot. It’s such a maliciously created movie, that if you gave Captain America to a child as a gift, the kid would immediately be able to talk to snakes. You have to take a shower after watching it, because, if not, your friends will ask you why you smell so much like Hell.
Captain America Review (2/3)
May 24th, 2012 § 1 Comment
To find out what happened earlier in this thing, go here.
We cut promptly to Steve Rogers lying on an operating table, being worked on by Dr. Mills and his assistant, Wendy. Mills decides that, since Steve is about to die, they might as well use the super serum on him, under the pretext of “saving him.” While the heart monitor beeps loudly in the background, Mills tells Wendy that “Medically, he’s dead now,” and you realize that the next third of this movie is going to be even dumber than the first third.
Steve appears to have died, but, after the serum starts to work, he grabs Mills’ arm suddenly. Here we can tell that Reb Brown is acting, because, if he wasn’t, the next scene would concern a hasty explanation as to how Mills suddenly lost an arm. When Steve wakes up, he talks about how he feels something is wrong, considering that, in the space of a day, he’s been set up in two automobile accidents. Mills doesn’t care about this at all, and he quickly changes the subject to passive-aggressively letting Steve know that he’s had the super serum put into him. Steve does what any man who’s been saved from dying and now has super powers does: he whines about it. This movie is so bad that if you showed it to Hitler, he’d wonder who was giving him that excellent, invisible handjob.
Steve is then kidnapped from his hospital room by Harley, who takes him to a meat freezer with two other goons (but not before allowing Steve to dress up in a blue turtleneck sweater and black vest), to intimidate Steve. They do a poor job of this by punching him, once in the stomach and once in the back, and by poking him lightly. I apologize, Harley, but a slight fist to the gut by a dumpy henchman isn’t going to faze a man who looks like he creates a new lumber yard every time he’s blocked by a fence. Harley demands to know where the microfilm is. Steve breaks his rope ties and the worst shit ever follows.
Captain America Review (1/3)
May 21st, 2012 § 1 Comment
Captain America is one of the most well-known superheroes in the world. Considering that the recent Avengers film has been successful in a way that can only be described by lottery winners and Moses, no one has an excuse to not be familiar with him. He’s an icon of the comic page, a symbol for truth, justice and punching fascists until they surrender their power and teeth. However, despite his image now, non-comic readers didn’t always have the best when it came to how they knew Steve Rogers. For a little while, all they had to go on was Captain America and Captain America II: Death Too Soon, and I think it is this group that they’re referring to when people speak of “the lost generation.”
In the late 70’s, two made-for-TV Captain America movies were put out, with the titular hero being played by a very restrained Reb Brown. And when I say restrained, I mean it. Half the films budget must have gone into the morphine necessary to keep Reb’s personality in check. Whether in Yor: The Hunter From The Future, Robowar, Cage or Street Hunter, Reb made a career out of being absolutely nuts on screen. If you called Reb Brown crazy, he’d take it as a racial slur. You have to wear ear plugs when he does sign language. Reb Brown thinks CPR is yelling at someone until they wake up. Reb usually does his acting like a man coming to terms with his eminent transformation into a gorilla.
But not here. Here, Reb couldn’t look less concerned with what’s going on around him. He acts like he knows a surprise is coming and doesn’t want to jump at the “boo!” In other countries, his dialogue in Captain America is dubbed with someone yawning. Reb is usually so awesome that the movie quite literally can’t contain him. In Captain America, he seems to be method acting as someone who is trying to take a nap standing up.
#no Blake Shelton’s Twitter
April 18th, 2012 § 8 Comments
Look at that skin. That's either due to editing or someone has come back kill Sarah Connor.
When celebrities respond to fans, it’s always interesting. Sometimes they handle it with poise and dignity, and sometimes they act irrationally. And sometimes, they’re Blake Shelton. And that means they’ll act like a fucking idiot.
Through the ten seconds of research that I performed, I discovered that Blake Shelton is a thirty-five year-old country music artist. Now, anyone can act stupid. But keep in mind that this man is thirty-five. At some point in your life, unless you’re paid to do it, insulting strangers loses its edge and you start to realize that, maybe, there are better things out there then trying to belittle a person who spoke harshly of you on the internet. Blake Shelton skipped that point entirely, and stands up to all those lame-asses who think that self-respect and “calming down” is the responsible way to handle things.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard any of Blake Shelton’s music and recognized it as him. If you’re in the same boat, here’s a sample of one of his songs to get you acquainted with him.
I feel sick right now… Shit!!!!!!
You’re a grown man, Blake. There’s no need for six exclamation points. “Shit, I feel sick,” would’ve worked just as well. The best part about this is that I read this tweet fifteen minutes ago and there are already more than fifty retweets. Is Blake performing some sort of super comedy that my brain is too un-evolved to handle? Or are there people out there who see that Blake feels sick and think that it’s interesting AND that they should tell all their friends about it?
If you don’t support #TeamBlake you can probably describe in detail what your grandpa looks like naked…..
Wait, are you telling haters that, if they don’t like you, they can go imagine what their grandpa looks like naked as a result? Or is this some weird accusation of a gay, incestual relationship between us and our grandfathers? In either case, it’s not that effective of an insult, especially considering that, if it’s the latter, how absurd that leap of logic is. The Rock doesn’t tell people “You know what your cat’s orgasm sounds like? If you’re not part of #teambringit you probably do!” Also, nice use of ellipses here, making it seem as if you slid back from your computer and exclaimed “Think of a comeback to that, internet!”
The Literary Review: PARTY MOVES guys can’t resist!
April 17th, 2012 § 9 Comments
I’ve had 23 years of experience being a guy, so when Seventeen magazine told me that it had moves that I just couldn’t resist, challenge accepted. While I’m a few years removed from the age group that this is targeting, I do have a long-term memory, and being a writer, most of those memories are from a past that I wish I could erase. Living as a teenage guy is a rough time, primarily because you’re in the constant struggle of hiding your boners and, simultaneously, trying to surround yourself with things that give you boners. It’s like playing Monopoly, but you ask everyone to blindfold themselves when it’s your turn and you still feel the need to celebrate when you roll onto something good.
The writer of this piece is Elisa Benson, who has summoned something that I’ve critiqued before. I use the word “summon”, not because she’s a witch (to prove that would take at least two dates and a test to see what her first reaction to a frog is), but because her articles leave the realm of our petty, physical limitations and move into things supernatural and fantastical. Elisa attracts men like you’d try to get a friend to stick his hand in a wolverine den. If the man operating a hot dog cart talks to her, it requires bikini tips and a three hour discussion with her friends. Elisa, if you’re reading this, believe me, the ghost is happy. You can let go now.
Seventeen brainstorming.
The article starts out with the tagline “The end of the year is a whirlwind of “kick backs” and major blowouts. Better make every one count!” The use of quotations around “kick backs” leads me to assume that even Elisa isn’t sure whether or not it’s a term that teenagers would respond to. I would say that it isn’t, since “kick backs” sounds like a scenario where I’d ask someone to ignore the clown make-up and relax. I understand that the phrase “to kick back” is a common one, but turning it into a noun makes the antennae start to poke through your convincing human suit.
The meat of the thing is divided into three parts, “Grad Party,” “Formal” and “Casual Hangout.” There’s nothing casual about calling something a “Casual Hangout.” If you feel the need to preface it with “Casual,” you might as well ask them if they could bring condoms. These three events are then divided further into “BREAK THE ICE!” “BRING THE FUN!” and “MAKE YOUR MOVE!” which are all things that will be yelled from offscreen when they finally turn Mortal Kombat into a successful porn franchise.
BREAK THE ICE! :
Grad Party
“Want to be my last high school crush?” It’s bold, but you’ll never have to see him in the hallway again, so go all out with a flirty line!
Nothing says “fun” like hitting on someone that you’ll ignore for the rest of eternity. However, I can see where this would be appealing to a high school guy. If someone had asked me to be their last anything at eighteen, I would apologize for the sweating and think of an excuse as to why the stairwell is as romantic a place as any. Now, not so much. If a woman asked me to be her last anything today, all I would hear is “Listen for my brood in the distant winds. You, YOU shall be their trumpeter!”
The Minds Of Madmen: Search Terms
April 16th, 2012 § 3 Comments
Be afraid.
The internet has most of everything in it. That’s a fact that’s been proven over and over again. It’s gone from being the “information superhighway,” a phrase that sounds like it was coined by an antique computer trying to explain what dying feels like, to this magic wishing well, full of whatever the hell we want it to be full of. It’s a thing of beauty when you put it that way.
However, what trumps the internet are the people that use it, and how they choose to understand it. I won’t say that people aren’t as smart as they portray themselves to be, but now that I’ve started a site and am able to see what search terms people use that lead them to it, it’s becoming very apparent that the human mind is a strange place. A dangerous world where ideas range from commonplace to verifiably insane. I’ve collected a number of these search terms below and, using my intensely dedicated, psychological know-how, will attempt to decode them for further study.
dear females
This is a fairly common one, considering that I did an entire article on what happens when a man’s testosterone and Dorito bag gets in the way of his brain. I can only assume that they are looking for that particular declaration of lonely hatred in order to repost it, and show to all their Facebook friends “Look at what women are doing to us! Did you know that you can download naked girls onto your PSP!?”
My computer should have some security feature to keep me from posting this again.
how to style your hair like luke bryan
Along with Luke Bryan’s home page and a dark river guarded by a three-headed dog , my site, I can safely assume, is one of the top destinations for information about Luke. This pleases me, as I am a Luke Bryanologist and have devoted a great number of hours to studying this man. However, searching for “how to style your hair like luke bryan” means that there’s a decent number of people who don’t know how pictures work. I’ve seen a lot of photos of Luke, and none of what I’d seen is anything close to complicated. The only instructions I can give back to this person are applying hair gel and praying that help soon arrives.
I’m sorry for the failing grade you’ll get on your paper about social networking.
katy perry tits
I’m sorry for killing your boner, weird internet users, but you should know better.
old couple lay in bed
For description, see katy perry tits
Condescending Wonka VS Johnny Depp
April 11th, 2012 § 4 Comments
People who create Condescending Wonkas are the closest thing that the world has to closet sarcastics. They’re so fed up with some common, inane problem or phrase that they have to show your comeback to it, albeit only after they’ve placed it on top of Gene Wilder’s smirk. Rather than comment back to the source of your issue, they release this picture instead, letting the whole world know that someone ironically “must be” intelligent or “must be” cultured. It’s like if someone cut me off in traffic and rather than giving them the finger, I went home and drew a picture of someone else giving them the finger.
It’s about as indirect as one can come with an insult, and while it’s kind of funny sometimes, it basically goes to show how we handle problems we see on the internet: Rather than confronting them, we use an imaginary character to passively confront them for us. I liken it to role playing, except that when it comes time for the actual sex to happen, the doctor decides that he’d much rather just jerk off in front of the nurse. And did I mention that the nurse might not even be in the same room?
Apparently a nutjob saw this, and became furious at someone else’s interpretation of an imaginary character. If I could create a distinct visual for you, I’d call this picture an “Autism Tornado.” It has so many fallacies that it makes punching someone because their wearing a sweater during summer seem logical. I’d like to perform an experiment. Take every piece of food you have in your house and throw it away. Now starve to death. Did you do it? If you did, you’re officially almost as dumb as the person who made this picture.
First of all, I’m not even quite sure what the Wonka quote even means. Is it the creator’s attempt to give a bad example of the meme they hate? Or did they just pick it at random? “Tell me more about how does it make you look like me” In that case, don’t I know fuck what in talking about you’re. Is it Gene Wilder’s hair that they’re trying to replicate? It’s obviously pretty curly in the picture. If that’s the intent of the insult, that’s like showing an image of a fat guy and saying “Haha, his ribs are showing!” It’s some exaggerated sense of alien sarcasm that hasn’t been invented yet. More examples include showing a picture of a cat with the caption “BARK MOO!” and a picture of a baby, with the words “Retirement Middle Aged Not Baby” under it. It’s sarcasm invented by people still trying to figure out the term.
And then we have Johnny Depp Wonka under it, replying back, not to the meme but to fucking Gene Wilder himself. That would imply that Wilder created this meme, as if the retired actor decided that the best chance at giving his career a second wind would be to take a picture from his iconic role and write douchy things on it. I don’t know who sits around imagining scenarios like that, much less imagining them and then starting to believe that they’re true. Did this guy leave Titanic thinking “If I ever meet that asshole who was watching Jack and Rose kiss instead of looking for icebergs, I’m gonna kick his lily white ass!” I’ve read stories of people who commit murder because furniture told them to, and that’s more sane than this.
I could get very film nerdy by saying that Gene Wilder has been in a ton of awesome movies. Stir Fry. Young Frankenstein. Blazing Saddles. The Producers. I saw him in a version of Death Of A Salesman as Bernard and he kicked ass in that. But that’s not the point of this. The point is that someone literally just tried to defend people from the made-up jabs of a damn fictional character, by replying with another made-up line from a remake of that fictional character with a snarky comment about the actor who played the original character’s career, when they obviously have no idea what the actor’s career was even like. I don’t approach Mexican people by saying “If you were black, I’d go on the internet and make fun of all of your burritos, cracker!” If this is the state of internet creativity, then we’re one step away from laughing at pictures of stick figures who say things like “I’m not a stick figure” and “Kill your parents with us.”
-Daniel
Whatever A Spider Can: The Menace Of Mysterio
April 7th, 2012 § 1 Comment
Police Officer: They’re doing a lot of swinging, but nothing’s happened yet.
This episode was 21 minutes long, which is the biggest case of over-confidence that I’ve ever seen. A regular story in Spider-Man is about 10 minutes in length, and half of that is Spider-Man talking to himself to kill time. I could only imagine what methods the creative team would use to trick an audience into thinking that their plot could fill a near half-hour. And by the time I finished the episode, I realized one thing: The creative team, well, they’ve been dead the whole time.
Plot:
Spider-Man is framed for a robbery by Mysterio. Spider-Man freaks out about this and does a lot of nothing. Mysterio goes to J. Jonah Jameson and tells him that he’ll get rid of Spider-Man for a large fee. A deal is made. Mysterio doesn’t’ really have a plan at all, so Spidey remains alive. Since the animators don’t know what a fight is, they decide that Spider-Man shouldn’t either and the climax is the same fist into Mysterio’s head until the theme song plays.
Whatever A Spider Can: Electro The Human Lightning Bolt
April 3rd, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Spider-Man: “It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.”
If someone sees the headline “Elephant Escapes In Children’s Hospital,” one can only expect that the corresponding story will consist of total tragedy. When I saw the title “Electro The Human Lightning Bolt,” I got the same kind of feeling. Electro, for all its nerdiness, is a projectile-weapon based villain. Thus, he will require some sort of decent quality animation to pull off. Considering that the hand-to-hand fight scenes in Spider-Man look like two paper dolls trying to block each other from the same doorway, this is going to be a problem. And like the aforementioned elephant in the children’s hospital, it is going to ruin the lives of some kids forever.
The Literary Review: is he FEELING IT OR FAKING IT?
March 28th, 2012 § 4 Comments
For years, women have been mystified by men, and here I thought that it was the other way around! Ha!
I’m sorry. I’ve been reading so many articles in this issue of Seventeen, about the best jeans ever and different ways that I can braid my hair, that my mind has gone on auto-pilot. The best joke I can make is the one about how super awkward turtle it is when you’re trying to take a pee and your crush walks in and starts vomiting on you. If Mark Twain had written a short story on how much Jennifer Lawrence relates to my tomboy attitude, I could give credit to the old bastard, but, until then, the greatest achievement in literature starts with “your biggest hair drama” and ends with “SOLVED!”
The quiz, “is he FEELING IT OR FAKING IT?” starts off by challenging the laws of word definition itself. The first line is “Some guys act super-lovey, then disappear. Find out if your fling will last.” If it’s going to last, it’s not really a “fling” is it, Seventeen? Maybe I’m being nit-picky here, but in the “short is long and skinny is fat” universe of a Seventeen reader, I would like some explanation to ease the voyage of us newcomers. I mean, increase the difficulty of the voyage. Yeah, make it real tough for me, Seventeen. I’ll play your game.
