LOOKING FOR TALENTED WRITERS!!!

Do you know the things of Star Wars? When people say “Doctor Who,” do you recognize just WHO they are talking about? Do you have a clue about this X-Men shit that they keep making movies for?

If so, you might be perfect to write for GEEXPLOSION, the new one stop shop for geeks, gamers and any die-hard fans of fucking anything that might be around. We’re currently looking for talented, nerdy writers who have a passion for comics and video games and TV shows and movies and trending topics about all of the stuff I just mentioned, who are willing to commit to writer/columnist/editorial positions. GEEXPLOSION isn’t your regular entertainment site. Our nerdy writers come from a variety of geeky backgrounds. Some are white guys from New Jersey, and one is a white girl from Colorado, and they all are deeply obsessed with the laser-ey, nerdy kapows! that are so popular on the internet nowadays. We’re looking for geeky writers who know whether or not Han Solo would win in a fight with Indiana Jones and are willing to create crude infographics about it. We’re especially looking for geeky cosplay fanatics to join our COSPLAGUE section. I hear that that’s pretty popular. People seem to like the pictures.

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This Rush Hour DVD Combo Pack is only $9.99?!?

This Rush Hour DVD Combo Pack is only $9.99?!? That’s incredible.

I came to Walmart to buy dog food and dish detergent, but little did I know that I’d run across the find of the century, nestled in that Walmart DVD display crammed between those two other Walmart DVD displays. Holy shit! Just check it out.

The madcap, yet emotionally touching, adventures of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are mine to own for $9.99? Let me break that down. $9.99 divided by 3 is $3.33. That’s $3.33 per Rush Hour movie. That’s MORE than doable. That’s probably the best deal I’ve ever seen.

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The Uncomfortable Restroom Story

I don’t like to write “gross out” humor, as I hope, usually in futility, that my punchlines are a bit more cerebral than “PFFFFFFFBBBBBBBTTT! SEE?!?” But, sometimes, a combination of events forces my hand. Sometimes, I have to write poop and fart jokes. In The Patriot, Mel Gibson originally didn’t want to fight either. But, when backed into an emotional corner, he pulled out his hatchet and went nuts. So, if you read this and think Shit jokes, Daniel? Really?, just remember that I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Ingles, where only good things happen.
Ingles, where only good things happen.

I was at Ingles a few days ago when this restroom disaster struck. For those of you familiar with the Asheville area, and, more importantly, familiar with the Asheville Ingles locations, I was at the one on Patton Avenue that was recently remodeled to look more like Harris Teeter. Rather than improve in any sort of way, the Ingles plan for success is to try and resemble another possible grocery store. This means a lot of brown colors, with writing meant to look like someone drew the signs, by hand, with chalk. This will make things appear “natural” and “quaint” and “homey,” rather than the normal Ingles décor, which can best be described as “this diced tomatoes stain on the tile has been around since the last time I shopped here.”

As with most public places that I enter, I found that I had to use the bathroom as soon as I walked in. It’s just part of my body’s unconscious plan to ruin anything that I do. New experience? How about a minor stomach flu to top it all off? The icing on my cake is always made of gastric discomfort.

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10 Reasons Why A T-Rex Would Make A Bad Pet

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

The Tyrannosaurus Rex is probably the most famous dinosaur of all time. He’s got a cool name, a recognizable body and laughable arms. He’s the tyrant lizard, the star of Jurassic Park, and despite many, many adolescent fantasies (most of them mine), a terrible pet.

Here are ten reasons why owning a T-Rex would be no fun at all.

Sharptooth

SIZE

Clifford was a gargantuan puppy that lived in some unfortunate family’s backyard, and could kill his owners just by turning around. The Tyrannosaurus Rex was about that size, forty-feet-long and a little more than thirteen-feet-tall.

It’s about half the size of your house. That cuts out bringing it inside when it’s scared during a thunder storm, bathing it in the tub when it smells like death (more on that later) and watching it playfully scratch at the front door as it sits on the porch.

IT’S A CARNIVORE

I told you that it’s about half the size of your house. Imagine half of your house trying to kill you whenever it felt like it. And not just you. Anything. If you have something that even resembled what’s scientifically called “meat” around you, the T-Rex will try to devour it. Not out of spite or anything. Just because either A) it’s hungry or B) it can.

And if not you and everyone you love, than what? It will cost a lot to keep importing those cows to your yard, and in about a month, since you haven’t mustered the courage to go outside and face the beast that you call “pet”, your landscape will be a graveyard of skeletons and huge mistakes.

IT’S A KILLER

If you piss off a pet, you’ll have a few minutes of tail between the legs and then back to normal. Pets are dumb, and small enough that they can’t rip you in two when they’re having a bad day. A T-Rex can. If you make a T-Rex mad, the next rest of your life will be spent screaming for your wife to call for help, as you make a dash for safety. Once again, the T-Rex isn’t a mean guy. It’s just hard to reconcile your primitive emotions when your reptile brain consistently orders you to “KILL KILL KILL EAT EAT EAT PROTECT YOUNG SLEEP KILL KILL KILL.”

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The 10 Worst Kickstarter Campaigns

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

At one time, the internet was full of money. Nigerian princes used to offer me millions through email, daily, and I had never even met them. But, ever since the world collapsed, money has been harder to come by. Kickstarter operates on the basis that that collapse never happened. Want something done? The internet will surely like it enough to pay for it!

These are ten Kickstarter campaigns that wanted your money, and did everything they could not to get it.

Imagine the pride.
Imagine the pride.

The Story of Jesus and Us

David L. Wetzell isn’t the best at staying on topic. He spends the first half of his page telling you nothing about the book he is trying to write. If you asked David what his favorite color was, he’d spend your day telling a story about how he came to discover that he liked colors.  And even the line he gives you at the top “A love story with Jesus as its’ heart, based on a “riddle” in the Gospels of John and Luke.” Is just vague enough to frustrate me.

David lists his project as about four different damn things, so I’m not sure whether I’m funding a “book” or an “oral performance” or a “two-part play” or a “Kickstarter Optimization Plan.” David needs to focus less on what his book is not about and more on what medium he’s using to give us this…something?

Jasper Flare – Aspiring Young Artist’s Album

Jasper Flare promises a lot. He says that he will “revolutionize pop culture” and “stereotypes” and I’m still not sure that he knows the definitions to any of those words. If I re-read it, I could probably find Jasper’s promise for a “free bikini girl massage” somewhere in there too.

If you donate twenty dollars, Jasper promises to thank you through “any form of social media.” Thanks for the shout out, Jasper. You’ll be like “Thanks, Dan!” and I’d be like “Viva la Jasper Revolucion!”

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5 Ways To Find A Geeky Girlfriend

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

Many fantastical things don’t actually exist in real life. Bigfoots, Mechagodzillas and Hulk Hogans are the first things that come to mind when I think of demigods that rule, but aren’t biologically feasible.

However, despite scientific evidence that proves otherwise, geeky girls are alive and thriving in the real world. Now, before you pass out due to all the blood that just rushed to your erections, read up on how you can nab one of these medical anomalies. I understand that the steps should be as easy as a game of Pokemon Snap: Just toss apples until you can distract her long enough to thrust a wedding ring onto her hand. But it’s a bit more complicated than that.

Look For Friends First.

I really enjoy sitting and reading comics, to an abnormal extent. And if I could telepathically project any loneliness I have out into the world to ping off of a willing lady like some hot girl Cerebro, I would be lauded as both a genius and a pioneer. I don’t have that power, though, and I regret it every day. Every. Day.

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I’ve been eating some Invisible Candy

For this, and every subsequent post about the book Invisible Candy, I was going to try and write some clever title that included the words “Invisible Candy,” but it seems that I ran out of wit before I even started the first one. Expect to see “Invisible Candy Has Been Making Me Fat” and “Invisible Candy is a wrap(per).” I’m sorry for my existence.

I sent some substantial chunks of the book out to friends, writers, and a few editors that I know yesterday, and the feedback has been awesome! And “awesome” is way better than what I expected, which is a bunch of people that I know and love, telling me “Please, Daniel. Do anything but this.”

I’m glad to finally be making substantial progress on this thing. I’ve expanded it from the original concept of just being a collection of narrative non fiction, and I’ve decided to include some short stories, some essays, and even some poetry. I’m not setting myself up for a deadline just yet, but it’s getting there.

Invisible Candy cover

Monsters, Jokes, Analogies

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