Hey, man. You know the theatre cast party right before Christmas break? Whose apartment is it gonna be at? Okay, word. Yeah, I just wanted to know so that I could show up and keep it together for 50% of it, until I inevitably break down.
Yeah, Laurie will be there. I know, I know, dude. But it’ll be okay. Yeah, dude. We were texting up until a few weeks ago, and then she said it was a “bad idea” because I might get the wrong notion about her wanting to get back together with me, but come on! It’s been two months since our three-year relationship ended. I’ve moved on. I’m a completely different person.
I agree when they say that online dating is a mixed bag, but I’m glad to see that this is one of the good ones. After dinner, do you want to go get drinks somewhere? I know this place on Haywood Ave. that’s pretty great. Yeah? Awesome.
Hey, before we go, let me just say that that joke you made with the waiter about the sushi menu was pretty funny. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even if I didn’t participate in it. Well, I can’t say that. Look, I dig that you’re funny, but I’m gonna need you to tone it down a bit.
Yeah, I said it was important to find a partner with a “sense of humor” on the internet, but you didn’t think that that applied in real life, did you? What I meant to write was someone with a sense of humor that kind of only interests me. You know, like “girl funny.” Like, the kind of funny where you get drunk too fast, or say something dumb about cars. Not like “charmingly funny.” Not the kind of funny that captivates the attention of the room. Because if the room is looking at you, then who is looking at me? Do you get what I’m saying?
When you’re 13, your standards for badassery are pretty low, and include anyone above the ninth grade. It’s because of these standards that you end up making regrettable choices when it comes to the music that you’re interested in. Your ability to appreciate anything more subtle than 8 Mile hasn’t developed yet, so you end up stuck with a taste for all things terrible. To help you chronicle your awfulness and etch it into history, I’ve fine-tuned a list meant to match the anti-authority attitudes of anyone who is thirteen, and disgust every other possible age group.
“Immortal,” by Adema
Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance has just come out for the Nintendo Gamecube, and you’re stoked. You’ve set the blood levels up as high as they can go, and you’ve fought enough ArKade matches to earn some sweet KOINS to spend in the KRYPT, where you can unlock concept art and backstage pictures, because there is no more exciting reward for a pubescent boy than to watch a homely video game designer arrange pixels on Sub Zero. Lo and behold, you stumble upon the KRYPT KOFFIN that contains the music video for “Immortal,” which is the official theme song of the game. What happens neKst will define you for the rest of your life.
Featuring the band Adema singing on poorly rendered versions of the game’s stages, “Immortal” is a song that’s mostly about fighting. It’s so about fighting that after the lead singer weakly breathes out a screeching melody of vowels, his first actual lyrics are yelling “LET’S FIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT!” From there, it’s a montage of flames and cut scenes from the video game, all cheaply arranged to the band wailing about dealing with someone who is both “insecure” and the “leader of lost souls,” the former being a trope of pop rock music and the latter being someone of such high supernatural standings that an adjective like “insecure” probably doesn’t actually apply to them.
Sometimes, they’ll throw in shots of the band performing in front of an excited audience, just to prove that, somewhere, people other than you were interested in this fucking music. But the pinnacle of this entire thing comes at the end, when it looks like the band members surround the demon Scorpion as if they’re going to fight him, and Scorpion proceeds to start to slaughter them all with his ability to not be the guy who is singing “Immortal.” Out of every song on this list, this one is the most problematic, as you could probably hear the other songs randomly at some point in your life. To hear “Immortal” in the days before YouTube would mean either tracking down Adema’s Insomniac’s Dream EP, or booting up your Gamecube and going out of your way to listen to “Immortal” again. For either option, the only punishment is being stuck as you.
“One of a Kind,” by Breaking Point
“One of a Kind” is the theme of WWE wrestler Rob Van Dam, and fulfills most of the necessary requirements for being a badass song to everyone whose biggest goal is making out with other humans. It’s about sort of confronting a would-be antagonist with nothing but your own awesome attributes. In this case, you’re winningly unique. So unique that you leave fear in the back of an enemy’s mind which “makes you believe I’m one of a kind!” I don’t know how it works either, but I’ve forgotten a lot of things that I once knew and held dear in middle school.
While the chorus is about how awe-inspiring it is to be different, the verses mainly have to do with being a burgeoning serial murderer, which is standard for a song meant to legitimize a wrestler whose finishing move is the “frog splash.” They even include bits about hearing voices and the thrill of it being “killing time,” but this is all the norm when you’re dealing with rad things of this ilk. If you want to be taken seriously in the world of pre-teen angst, you have to go one step above simply conquering your fears and foes. You have to conquer innocent bystanders as well. Everyone must fall victim to your fury. Also, if you bring your cd player to class, the teacher will confiscate it. This whole thing is a careful balancing act. Continue reading The 5 Most Badass Songs Of All Time (When You’re 13)→
Who are you? Really? Like, who are you to say that what I do is wrong? You’re not better than me.
Yes, admittedly, I do rank the feelings of others below my own. Consistently. And, yes, if I’m not getting my way, I will throw a tantrum that emotionally hurts the people that I claim to love. But so what? That’s just me. And you’re not in a position to call me a bad person when I negatively affect everyone I come in contact with.
Do you have any idea of the things that I’ve been through that have turned me into the person that I am today? I have struggles. Struggles that I refuse to face properly, so I lash out in different directions, but struggles nonetheless.
Are you a bad girl? Mmmmm. Tell me that you’re a bad girl. Tell me that you like to get naughty.
You’re such a bad girl.
Oooh, baby. Well, maybe you’re not such a bad girl. You’re more of an antihero to be honest. Oooh, yeah. Because you fit all the tropes of being an antihero. Ooooh, yeah. Tell me that you’re an antihero. Whisper in my ear that you might do awful things, but it’s for a good cause.
Look, I just need some hits here, people. I have bills to pay, so I figured that I’d write something about Ebola. Not any specific thing about Ebola. Just something declaring something about Ebola. That ought to bring in a little bit of ad revenue.
Hey. Ebola could be in your cat. Maybe. No one really knows. It’s in your cat and soon, it’s going to be in you because it might be airborne. Or evolve into something that’s airborne. Please click on my other articles. Please, for god’s sake.