The 8 Kinds Of Walking Dead Episode

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the-walking-dead

Watching The Walking Dead religiously has given me the opportunity to notice some distinct trends. Thus, I’ve been able to categorize the types of episodes that you’re bound to see while watching it. If you work for the show, you’re free to use this as a guide for what to write next.

New Guys Show Up – Can you trust them? There isn’t enough supplies to support them, too! If there’s four, you can trust three of them. One of them is nuts though. The crazy one dies at the end of the episode. Two of them will make it to the main cast. The last one, eh, who cares?

Why Are You Being So Weird? – Some character is having problems. Why were they not having problems before? This episode, that’s why. Let’s deal with some of their problems. End it with a monologue about having problems in the zombie apocalypse. It’s different now, way different from when there weren’t zombies around.

There Are Too Many Extras – You over-hired for the season, so now it’s time to kill off five people without speaking roles. This is relatively easy, as, literally, death is fucking everywhere. A bunch of middle-aged people screaming in pain as a zombie comes up from behind them to bite their necks.

Some Other Dude – Maybe you haven’t seen this person in a while. Maybe they got separated from the group. Regardless, we’ll spend the episode with them. It’ll be boring, but at least we don’t have to hang out with Rick today, so it’s a rock-and-a-hard-place kind of boring.

Buncha’ Zombies In The Road – Four characters are in the van. Doesn’t matter who. Really, it doesn’t. The van stops because a lot of zombies are in the road. Or it crashes and some zombies are nearby. Regardless, there’s a big reveal of a ton of zombies just chillin’ until these four characters showed up. Why are so many zombies in the road?

Who Did The Shit? – Someone did something, like killing a pet, or spilling some water, or lighting something on fire. Let’s find out who did it. My money is on Carl. He’s young, so it’ll be cool.

Sad Things – Somebody major says some nice things and then dies. Rick doesn’t find out until the end of the episode. He does that thing with his face where his bottom jaw expands like a python’s mouth and he starts to cry. He cries. Glenn says something funny early on in the episode, so it’s cool.

Moral Decisions/Moving On – Season Finale episode. Are people naturally good or evil? Is it okay to kill humans who aren’t zombies? Can you give people second chances? Take your pick. Now, talk about them. Maybe someone dies. End the episode with a wide shot of a place that the comic fans recognize. They’ll dig that, and it will get them excited for the next season.

-Daniel

Five Types Of Women That You REALLY Shouldn’t Date In Your Twenties

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Hey, males. I know that you’ve all read things about the types of women that you should and shouldn’t date when you’re in your twenties, because nothing can ruin your twenties more than the crippling self-doubt that requires you read lists detailing who you should and shouldn’t date in the first place. Things like “5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date A Sorority Girl” and “7 Things That Suck About Dating A Model.” Well, as someone who has met about a hundred sorority girls and is currently surrounded by a group of laughing, excited, twerking models, let me be the first to tell you that you can date the shit out of them, if you want. Date them to your heart’s content. Hell, marry them, if you feel so inclined.

I have managed to compile a list of the types of women that you REALLY shouldn’t date in your twenties. I mean, seriously, don’t date these girls. Don’t date them so hard that you literally “un-date” them, a word that loosely translates to “screaming.” These are the types of women that will ruin your life, and more importantly, ruin your twenties. Twenties. Twenties. Twenties. You’re in your mid-twenties.

You’re fascinating.

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Whatever A Spider Can 15: The One-Eyed Idol

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Sisyphus was a character in Greek mythology who, because of his deceit, was cursed to push a large boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, forcing him to begin again, for all of eternity. Starting the second disc in this Spider-Man series, I realize that I am the modern day Sisyphus, and this complete collection is my boulder. I gut through every episode, and by the end of one, I’m back where I started: sad.

the one eyed idol

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12 Workout Tips From A Beginner, For Beginners

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Starting a workout plan is hard, but as someone who did it yesterday, for the first time, by himself, I can promise you that it is possible! All you need to do is set goals for yourself. I decided that I wanted to have massive arms in a short time, but after not getting them yesterday, I decided that working out isn’t really worth it for me. So, I quit. But you don’t have to.

These are twelve exercises that I did yesterday that are absolutely almost proven to harden your cores and ‘bliques. I’ve provided a description of each, along with an explanation of what body parts they help, and how many sets and repetitions you should do before giving up, like me.

Elbow_Skin

Pull Your Body Parts

Before starting this intensive workout, you should pull on your body parts some in order to make them prepared for the assault. Grab your foot and lift it backwards. Pretend your foot is the tail of a scorpion and pull on it, yelling “I’m strong like a scorpion.” Reach down and touch your toes. If you cannot bend that far, simply touching your stomach will do.

Body Parts: All of them. The best part about the human body is that it is primarily elastic. You can pull on it, and it won’t break. I tried for twenty minutes and I have just as many fingers as I did when I started.

Sets & Reps: All of them.

Earth Thrusters

Beach your whale all over the floor and then put your hands under you, bottoms down. Then press down so hard that your whole body is forced to come up. Then let go and fall back to the floor, thrusting your groin into the earth.

Body Parts: Top Half Of Body

Sets & Reps: 1 Set

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Daniel Wants To Be A Dad

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When I was fifteen, a girl that I had a slight crush on became pregnant. The father, as far as I know, was never present. And it was because of these two factors that, for a few days, I decided that I wanted to be a father.

When you’re fifteen, it’s hard to distinguish one crush as more meaningful than another. Being short, skinny and introverted, I had, naturally, crushes on every girl that seemed to fit my criteria of “every girl alive.” Some of these girls never knew I existed, and not in a teen romance movie kind of way, where the dude helps the lady during science class, but since she doesn’t make the first move, he sighs wistfully and thinks She doesn’t even know I exist. Mine was the very literal definition of not knowing that someone exists. My interaction with them was often limited to nothing, unless you count interaction as catching a glimpse of them as I passed them in the hallway and imagining What if I was cool? I bet she’d like the cool.

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My Favorite Things: “T.O.A.D.”, An X-Men Rap Song

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Whenever people creating a TV show about high schoolers want the show to be taken seriously, they use the phrase “coming of age story.” This vague cluster of words literally means “become an age”, and doesn’t specify that that age is adulthood. Therefore, it’s just ambiguous enough to apply to anyone’s situation when they’re between the ages of twelve and nineteen (when you hit twenty, your problems become regular, adult ones, and lose their specialness), and also just ambiguous enough to seem important. “Coming of age story” must have been how the creators of X-Men: Evolution pitched their show to their bosses, because “your favorite superhero team at fifteen” sounds heartbreaking.

toad x-men evolution

I loved X-Men: Evolution growing up. It had well animated fight scenes, decent stories, and characters that, for lack of a better term, evolved. It also had attempts to woo the younger demographics that seem so lame in retrospective that you’d imagine they were written by your dad’s prom tuxedo. My favorite of these attempts was the “T.O.A.D. Rap”, a hip hop song devoted to Toad, perennial lackey to everyone who had a better power than him (everyone else), and comic relief character, mainly used whenever you needed someone to throw in the mutant dumpster.

Was I disappointed when I saw that this Toad didn’t match up to the flip-kicking badass of the first X-Men movie? Yes. But, in exchange for him being cool, did I get the biggest amount of street cred in the Marvel universe?

Maybe.

Just listen to this. The beat itself sounds like a bunch of superhero cartoon writers sighing after receiving the orders to write this stupid thing.

And now, the lyrics:

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