Cracked Column: 6 Myths About Body Builders That Are Total BS

As someone who does the gym (the gyming? A gymmanship?), I also do my fair share of interacting with bodybuilders. And you know what? They’re not bad people, despite their tans. I wrote about them for, and you can read about it here!

6 Myths About Body Builders That Are Total BS

If you’d like to read more of my Cracked work, click here.

The 5 Most Irresponsible Doctors In My Spam Folder

For years, the internet has offered me cheap ways to fix all forms of erectile dysfunction. And, for about the same amount of years, I’ve ignored those cries for acceptance. However, I feel like it’s time to give some of these unspoken heroes their due, while accusing the worst ones of being pharmaceutical atrocities. Can you rank how bad someone is at being a Viagra robot? For the sake of this list, yes, you totally can.
Calida X

I don’t think I can trust anyone whose last name is X, especially when they’re selling me things that are meant to transform my body in miraculous ways. Being named “Calida X” just tells potential customers that someone named Calida once created an android version of herself that went rogue.

The elder of the Maxman brothers, DR. MAXMAN 09 likes his erections like he likes his letters: in all caps. He promises both “growth” and “girth,” which, technically, are the same thing, but I do give him points for being assertive. If I was forced to choose one of these doctors to tell my problems to, I’d probably choose DR. MAXMAN 09, since he seems to the most likely to end the appointment with a party and shots, which is exactly what I’ll need in those dark times.

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There is frost everywhere. A lot of icicles. A bizarre amount of icicles. They’re hanging off the tips of boxes, and off of the meats, and off of the counter tops. GORDON shivers. BULLOCK does not shiver, because he’s tipsy. Close up on Bullock taking a swig out of his flask. It is FILLED with ALCOHOL.

At the back of the freezer, leaning comfortably on the racks of FROZEN SHIT, is VICTOR FRIES, an expert on the science of ICE. He is tall, thin and pale. He is drinking something clear, so that you can see the ICE CUBES that he drops in them. Close up on the ICE CUBES.


(still shivering)

A little chilly in here.


(not shivering AT ALL.)

I find it quite pleasant.


(four beer drunk)

Whatever, Fries. Just tell us what you know about the missing diamonds.


Please, detectives. Chill.


Whatever, Mr. Ice.

Fries glances at him angrily, like a future murderer would.


It’s Mr. Fries. Fries.

Gordon shivers, and looks troubled.


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I Am A Human-Sized Dr. Pepper Who Loves You

“You just don’t understand,” George said. “I don’t think you can understand.”

Rachel wiped the tears from her eyes. “If you’d just tell me, George, maybe…” She sniffled. “Maybe we could work through this.”

George’s eyes were glassy. Rachel hadn’t seen him cry since his mother had passed and she didn’t know how to react. Usually, he was bubbling with energy. Why had the last few days gone so badly?

“If I tell you, there’s no going back,” George muttered, looking at the floor, as if trying to hide his face. Rachel stepped close to him. She raised her arms to embrace him, but George shrunk away.

“Whatever it is, I’m ready for it,” Rachel said, and George stared into the eyes, whispered something unintelligible, and began to pull at the flesh of his forehead.

It was like taking plastic wrap off a plate of food. The skin tore easily, and, just before the husk left George’s mouth, Rachel thought she saw the faintest hint of a smile. A smile of relief. There was only a little blood.

The skin clumped on the floor in a depressed heap. It barely looked real anymore, compared to the dark brown liquid that had been hiding underneath. George took off his shoes, and put them to the side. He then ripped his feet off, which he placed neatly inside his shoes.

“For safe keeping,” George said softly.

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New Cracked Column: 5 Ways Hollywood Ruins Its Own Main Characters

Hey guys! After what was far too long of a hiatus, I have a new column up at! Writing it was my biological reaction to watching 8 years worth of Dexter, and 7 years worth of Californication. And, like most biological reactions (sickness, fear, etc,) it was a vile one.

5 Ways Hollywood Ruins Its Own Main Characters

If you’d like to read the other things that I’ve written for Cracked, click here!


I Bought This Crate Of Rats And, Brother, It Is Not Going Well

You could say that I was consumed with a vision of what my life would be like when I had a crate of rats in my home. Consumed with the idea that there might be some kind of positive growth associated with the purchase. But I can tell you now, straight faced and solemn, that, friends, if you see a man offering a crate of both live and dead rats on the side of the Interstate, don’t trust his whispers, as they will do nothing but soothe your ear and poison your brain.

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Monsters, Jokes, Analogies


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