I Bought This Crate Of Rats And, Brother, It Is Not Going Well

You could say that I was consumed with a vision of what my life would be like when I had a crate of rats in my home. Consumed with the idea that there might be some kind of positive growth associated with the purchase. But I can tell you now, straight faced and solemn, that, friends, if you see a man offering a crate of both live and dead rats on the side of the Interstate, don’t trust his whispers, as they will do nothing but soothe your ear and poison your brain.

Continue reading

I’m Sorry For All The Times I Said “Bloody” In Middle School

We all have our skeletons. We all have things from our past that we’d like to forget, or at least have forgiven. And the few times I used “bloody” as an adjective or an adverb in middle school is one of those things.

I’m not British. I saw two of the Harry Potter movies, and I’m not quite sure what came over me. That kid with the hat in my Pre-Algebra class was saying it, and I thought it would be cool if I said“bloody” too. “That’s bloody brilliant!” “Bloody hell.” I could chalk it all up to youthful indiscretion, but that wouldn’t take away the social pain of the people around me, the people who had to hear me quickly fall into an accent while I described something as “bloody.” I can’t wipe away their scars. But I can at least clear my conscience.

Continue reading

A Letter To Myself Before I Eat This Pound Cake In The Car

Dear Daniel,

You usually make good decisions, right? You’ve never been one to murder anything, so why start now? Better yet, why start with your own body? I just want you to think about the upstanding citizen you were before this pound cake debacle took place.

I get it, me. It’s 3 AM and you got a late start driving home to meet family. You’re gonna get hungry, and the first place you see open (in this case, a truck stop), is going to seem very appealing. It’s an oasis in a desert of highway and radio stations that fade their static in and out like tides made entirely of will.i.am songs. You can’t be fooled by this. There are better choices just two exits ahead; actual grocery stores with actual, body-sustaining foods in it. Proteins and vitamins and all that. You could be happy there.

Going to this truck stop is taking the coward’s way out. I hope you know that now.

And even though it’s a truck stop, look how many more choices you have! There are donuts, which are sort of in the same realm as what you’ll eventually by cramming into your head, but the good thing about donuts is, when you buy them at truck stops, they’re manageable. They’re made in normal human quantities. That pound cake is something that a crazed Roman Emperor would demand, if only to see whether or not he could nibble on it while cutting off the heads of an entire plebian village.

Continue reading

Let’s Dig Up John Wayne

To be the star of an action movie usually requires charisma and athleticism, which is why Hollywood seems to be enamored with filling these roles with the elderly. Why create new stars when you can just insert the stars of thirty years ago? I personally believe that you shouldn’t fix what isn’t broken, and until Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis crumble underneath the weight of simple gravity, we should be within our rights to put them on top of as many speeding cars and throw them out of as many helicopters as possible. Fans of the Star Wars franchise are dead set on having Harrison Ford reprise the role of Han Solo in the upcoming Episode VII, if only because there is some masochistic pleasure to be had in watching Indiana Jones die in front of us.

The older, the better, right? Unlucky for us, Clint Eastwood retired from acting before we could grind his brittle frame into dust, so we have to go back further and up the ante. That’s why we should ignore any questions that we might have with “morality” and dig up John Wayne.

When there's no more room in hell, pilgrim.
When there’s no more room in hell, pilgrim.

I understand that the members of his family will beg and scream and claw at our jackets as we shovel out the earth from around his coffin. They just don’t understand the whims of the entertainment industry. They’ll collapse to their knees and pray that it’s just a nightmare to be woken up from, but the thump of our shovels finally hitting the hard wood of the casket lid will provide all the awakening that they need.

Continue reading

5 Great Pick-Up Lines For Your Local Coffee Shop Barista

There’s nothing like being in the front of a long line and knowing that the cute coffee shop barista wants you as badly as you want her. And there’s nothing that everyone in that long line loves seeing more than the extended flirting and burgeoning romance between a girl doing her job, and a guy who is both witty and alluring.

Here are five great pick-up lines that will get your local barista hooked and begging for more!

Hey.

Start it off simple. “Hey,” is a great way to let someone know “I’m a person, and not a dog or an alien. I know how this human interaction shit is supposed to go.”

Can I get a (insert order here)

Slow down with the marriage proposal, fella! You don’t want to come on too strong in the opening stages! Remember why you came to this coffee shop in the first place: to order the caffeine necessary to fuel the remaining, numbing hours of the day. Telling her your order let’s her know that you’re a man who knows what he wants. Confidence is everything.

Leave some room for cream. And a little extra for love.
Leave some room for cream. And a little extra for love.

Continue reading

Die In A Fire, Answers.com

I’m going to tell you the truth: I’ve only been to Answers.com once. I’ve clicked on their link a single time, so, in the grand scheme of things I’m left assuming that they’re either the most popular website on the planet, or want to be the most popular website on the planet and are growing through sheer use of the Facebook “Suggested/Sponsored Post” system. And I’m not going to click on them anymore than that one, unlucky time. I know it would be better for “research” if I actually knew all the specific kinds of dull, rotting content they have lurking behind their dubious headlines, but I’m not going to go any farther. They don’t deserve it.

To me, Answers.com is akin to some kind of monster from Japanese folklore, where a certain emotion grows and bubbles up in a certain area for so long that it becomes some hideous entity. In this case, those feelings are the intense hatred for the sudden revolution that the “10 to 15 entry list, written in less than a thousand words” format has had over the last few years. It’s something that exists solely for people to click on it. There is nothing gained from it, and no new insight achieved because you read “13 Films That You Thought Were Good But Were Actually Bad.”

Continue reading

I Grew This Sweet Beard, So Why Am I Still So Lonely?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not a bad person. I feel like I deserve the same chance at happiness that everyone else has.

You guys all said that you liked beards. You said that. You posted all the pictures of those guys showing off their sweet beards and bearded guys lifting weights and bearded guys drinking and bearded guys holding kittens and everyone went nuts for it. You can’t say otherwise, because I watched it happen.

My existence so far hasn’t been un-spectacular. My parents were kind and raised me well. In college I learned a lot of things that have really helped me claim a stake in my career. The planning for the bagel/sandwich restaurant I want to open one day is coming along nicely.

There’s about six billion people in the world. So why am I so alone?

I started to grow one out, and at first, it looked silly. I nearly cut it a few times because it began as this scraggly, ugly mess on my cheeks and chin. It wasn’t ready for beard conventions yet, but I knew, deep down that, like my Dad used say, if you want something bad enough, you’ll keep at it until you get it. And so I did.

Continue reading

Monsters, Jokes, Analogies

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,312 other followers