A Letter To Myself Before I Eat This Pound Cake In The Car

Dear Daniel,

You usually make good decisions, right? You’ve never been one to murder anything, so why start now? Better yet, why start with your own body? I just want you to think about the upstanding citizen you were before this pound cake debacle took place.

I get it, me. It’s 3 AM and you got a late start driving home to meet family. You’re gonna get hungry, and the first place you see open (in this case, a truck stop), is going to seem very appealing. It’s an oasis in a desert of highway and radio stations that fade their static in and out like tides made entirely of will.i.am songs. You can’t be fooled by this. There are better choices just two exits ahead; actual grocery stores with actual, body-sustaining foods in it. Proteins and vitamins and all that. You could be happy there.

Going to this truck stop is taking the coward’s way out. I hope you know that now.

And even though it’s a truck stop, look how many more choices you have! There are donuts, which are sort of in the same realm as what you’ll eventually by cramming into your head, but the good thing about donuts is, when you buy them at truck stops, they’re manageable. They’re made in normal human quantities. That pound cake is something that a crazed Roman Emperor would demand, if only to see whether or not he could nibble on it while cutting off the heads of an entire plebian village.

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Let’s Dig Up John Wayne

To be the star of an action movie usually requires charisma and athleticism, which is why Hollywood seems to be enamored with filling these roles with the elderly. Why create new stars when you can just insert the stars of thirty years ago? I personally believe that you shouldn’t fix what isn’t broken, and until Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis crumble underneath the weight of simple gravity, we should be within our rights to put them on top of as many speeding cars and throw them out of as many helicopters as possible. Fans of the Star Wars franchise are dead set on having Harrison Ford reprise the role of Han Solo in the upcoming Episode VII, if only because there is some masochistic pleasure to be had in watching Indiana Jones die in front of us.

The older, the better, right? Unlucky for us, Clint Eastwood retired from acting before we could grind his brittle frame into dust, so we have to go back further and up the ante. That’s why we should ignore any questions that we might have with “morality” and dig up John Wayne.

When there's no more room in hell, pilgrim.
When there’s no more room in hell, pilgrim.

I understand that the members of his family will beg and scream and claw at our jackets as we shovel out the earth from around his coffin. They just don’t understand the whims of the entertainment industry. They’ll collapse to their knees and pray that it’s just a nightmare to be woken up from, but the thump of our shovels finally hitting the hard wood of the casket lid will provide all the awakening that they need.

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5 Great Pick-Up Lines For Your Local Coffee Shop Barista

There’s nothing like being in the front of a long line and knowing that the cute coffee shop barista wants you as badly as you want her. And there’s nothing that everyone in that long line loves seeing more than the extended flirting and burgeoning romance between a girl doing her job, and a guy who is both witty and alluring.

Here are five great pick-up lines that will get your local barista hooked and begging for more!

Hey.

Start it off simple. “Hey,” is a great way to let someone know “I’m a person, and not a dog or an alien. I know how this human interaction shit is supposed to go.”

Can I get a (insert order here)

Slow down with the marriage proposal, fella! You don’t want to come on too strong in the opening stages! Remember why you came to this coffee shop in the first place: to order the caffeine necessary to fuel the remaining, numbing hours of the day. Telling her your order let’s her know that you’re a man who knows what he wants. Confidence is everything.

Leave some room for cream. And a little extra for love.
Leave some room for cream. And a little extra for love.

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Die In A Fire, Answers.com

I’m going to tell you the truth: I’ve only been to Answers.com once. I’ve clicked on their link a single time, so, in the grand scheme of things I’m left assuming that they’re either the most popular website on the planet, or want to be the most popular website on the planet and are growing through sheer use of the Facebook “Suggested/Sponsored Post” system. And I’m not going to click on them anymore than that one, unlucky time. I know it would be better for “research” if I actually knew all the specific kinds of dull, rotting content they have lurking behind their dubious headlines, but I’m not going to go any farther. They don’t deserve it.

To me, Answers.com is akin to some kind of monster from Japanese folklore, where a certain emotion grows and bubbles up in a certain area for so long that it becomes some hideous entity. In this case, those feelings are the intense hatred for the sudden revolution that the “10 to 15 entry list, written in less than a thousand words” format has had over the last few years. It’s something that exists solely for people to click on it. There is nothing gained from it, and no new insight achieved because you read “13 Films That You Thought Were Good But Were Actually Bad.”

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I Grew This Sweet Beard, So Why Am I Still So Lonely?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not a bad person. I feel like I deserve the same chance at happiness that everyone else has.

You guys all said that you liked beards. You said that. You posted all the pictures of those guys showing off their sweet beards and bearded guys lifting weights and bearded guys drinking and bearded guys holding kittens and everyone went nuts for it. You can’t say otherwise, because I watched it happen.

My existence so far hasn’t been un-spectacular. My parents were kind and raised me well. In college I learned a lot of things that have really helped me claim a stake in my career. The planning for the bagel/sandwich restaurant I want to open one day is coming along nicely.

There’s about six billion people in the world. So why am I so alone?

I started to grow one out, and at first, it looked silly. I nearly cut it a few times because it began as this scraggly, ugly mess on my cheeks and chin. It wasn’t ready for beard conventions yet, but I knew, deep down that, like my Dad used say, if you want something bad enough, you’ll keep at it until you get it. And so I did.

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LOOKING FOR TALENTED WRITERS!!!

Do you know the things of Star Wars? When people say “Doctor Who,” do you recognize just WHO they are talking about? Do you have a clue about this X-Men shit that they keep making movies for?

If so, you might be perfect to write for GEEXPLOSION, the new one stop shop for geeks, gamers and any die-hard fans of fucking anything that might be around. We’re currently looking for talented, nerdy writers who have a passion for comics and video games and TV shows and movies and trending topics about all of the stuff I just mentioned, who are willing to commit to writer/columnist/editorial positions. GEEXPLOSION isn’t your regular entertainment site. Our nerdy writers come from a variety of geeky backgrounds. Some are white guys from New Jersey, and one is a white girl from Colorado, and they all are deeply obsessed with the laser-ey, nerdy kapows! that are so popular on the internet nowadays. We’re looking for geeky writers who know whether or not Han Solo would win in a fight with Indiana Jones and are willing to create crude infographics about it. We’re especially looking for geeky cosplay fanatics to join our COSPLAGUE section. I hear that that’s pretty popular. People seem to like the pictures.

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This Rush Hour DVD Combo Pack is only $9.99?!?

This Rush Hour DVD Combo Pack is only $9.99?!? That’s incredible.

I came to Walmart to buy dog food and dish detergent, but little did I know that I’d run across the find of the century, nestled in that Walmart DVD display crammed between those two other Walmart DVD displays. Holy shit! Just check it out.

The madcap, yet emotionally touching, adventures of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are mine to own for $9.99? Let me break that down. $9.99 divided by 3 is $3.33. That’s $3.33 per Rush Hour movie. That’s MORE than doable. That’s probably the best deal I’ve ever seen.

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Monsters, Jokes, Analogies

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