Nailing A Job Interview With Little To No Uncertainty

The job market is hard right now. Really hard. I could make “as hard as a” similes all day, it’s so hard. But I won’t, not because I don’t like referencing blood flow to certain organs in articles, but because that’s not what this article is about. Remain focused on the prize. That’s tip number one.

The most important thing to remember is that a job interview is like fighting a circus bear. You’re not gonna win, but if you put on a good enough show, you might be called back to get paid and punch a bear some more. How do you find people willing to let you punch their bears, when so many people are trying to punch bears and the bears seem to be dying constantly? First off, you tire of the bear metaphor. Second, you lie. And that’s where we’ll begin.

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Michelle Bachmann’s Schedule

Only she knows where the treasure is buried.

7:00 AM: Hit the snooze button on specially designed alarm clock to stop Nelson Mandela’s screaming.

7:15 AM: Get angry over discovering “brown eggs” in her fridge.

7:30 AM: Knock on Marcus’ cabinet to see if he needs more water.

8:00 AM: Takes shower. Washes off remnants of reptile skin that didn’t flake during the night. Continue reading

Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 5/7: Macrophilia

Macrophilia

Fascination with or a sexual fantasy involving giants.

Examples: Girls over 5’6, Giganta, That one lady who married Flava Flav that one time.

How does the universe work, my friend? Are our lives determined by destiny or are we in complete control? The latter, you say? Good Attitude. I see you there, tongue on the floor as you engage that beast of a woman with your eyes. You’re shorter then she is, (you’re shorter than most girls. 8th grade proved problematic), but you’ve got the will power to stand on your toes and declare your love. I believe in you, Tiny, and I encourage you to put on your hiking boots with the 3 inches of rubber, and to wear your hair as high as possible, in your attempt to tame the Amazon and bring yourself home a monster.

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Thank You, Hanna Barbera: Samson And Goliath

Most people are familiar with some sort of bible, regardless of whether the people in that bible are white or Asian or reptiles or aliens. However, the employees of Hanna Barbera were more familiar with the Christian bible then anyone had any right to be. So familiar, that they had knowledge of a previously unreleased biblical chapter – one where Samson had become a sexually questionable teenager on a moped and Goliath had become a dog.

I don’t know how to draw cancer, but I imagine this is pretty close.

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The Ins And More Ins Of The Friend Zone

You know what I’m referring to. A lot of people have written countless pages about what it is, how you got into it and how you can get out of it. I’m sure, somewhere, Ashton Kutcher and Kristen Bell have read for a film called “The Friend Zone.” However, if you’re still not sure what it is, let me explain in the best way I can.

The Friend Zone is very akin to The Twilight Zone. They’re both this weird realm between time and space, something controlled by forces outside our imagination. However, The Twilight Zone is filled with groundbreaking plots and stellar writing and direction and The Friend Zone is filled with long awkward pauses following blurted “I love you’s” and unfulfilled boners.

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Thank You, Hanna Barbera: Partridge Family 2200 A.D.

For those who don’t know, The Partridge Family was an early 70’s prime time show about a widowed mother who helps her five children out with a music career. The show lasted for four years. In all realism, a show like this should’ve lasted less than a single episode. It would’ve lasted thirty seconds.

Partridge Kids: “Hey, mom. I know you’re going through the deepest loneliness of your life, now that your prime comfort in life is dead. I’m sure your brain has spiraled into this hellish pit of nightmare dreams where Dad screams for you to follow him into the fog. How about that music thing?”

Shirley Partridge: “What the hell? No.”

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Thank You, Hanna Barbera: The Super Globetrotters

When people think of Hanna Barbera, most cull up memories of Jonny Quest and Huckleberry Hound, The Flinstones and The Jetsons. These were shows that defined a generation, and still remain enjoyable today.

How about The Super Globetrotters? Or Samson and Goliath? Or Partridge Family 2200 AD? Or Hanna Barbera’s fascinating “revival” of Godzilla? Do you remember these? No? Good. And if you do, I’m sorry. The nurses will be coming in with your “stop the loud mind screams” pills in a bit.

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Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 4/7: Omorashi

Omorashi

Arousal experienced from having a full bladder or a sexual attraction towards those who have the feeling of a full bladder.

Examples: You needing to pee, someone else needing to pee, you and someone else simultaneously needing to pee.

Omorashi is a fetish subculture that primarily exists in Japan, which makes sense, as Japan is the birthplace of Nintendo and the terrible things people can do with an octopus. However, you don’t need to go all the way there to get that girl you’ve always dreamed about. In fact, I have steps to make her need to go potty now.Because, I see you there, Mr. Six Cups Of Water, feeling like you’re bladder is about to bust, and thus, ready for love. All you want is someone else, a special lady, tapping her foot impatiently outside the bathroom, waiting for it to become open. How can you sweep her off her feet? I’ll tell you how.

The ancient art of “Bladder-Sutra.”

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Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 3/7: Frotteurism

Frotteurism

The paraphilic interest of rubbing against a non-consenting person for sexual gratification.

Examples: Only one. You and someone who would probably never want to hang out with you.

I see you there, Mr. Nervous-Hands-In-The-Pockets. You’re shifting on your heels, surrounded by beautiful women, and you can’t get the nerve to grind against one of them? For shame, you patsy! So what that they might not like your body making friction against their body. That’s the point, right? So find someone unwilling and make that happen. It’s what Shakespeare would’ve wanted.

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Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 2/7: Autassassinophilia

Autassassinophilia

Psychosexual arousal from the risk of being killed.

Examples: Imminent car crashes, imminent plane crashes, imminent rape/murder cases, other imminent death scenarios.

I see you there, being all gentle and caring and stuff. You look foolish. That girl doesn’t want you to hold the door open! She wants the door to be made of a spike/acid mixture and for you to slam it into her head. She wants to fear that she might be killed at any time. So, loosen your belt, relax and be prepared to almost kill her until the end of time.

Note: Don’t completely kill her, because then she’ll be dead and you’ll be a murderer and you’ll go from someone who was just weird to someone who was weird and then killed someone weirder.

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