Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 2/7: Autassassinophilia

Autassassinophilia

Psychosexual arousal from the risk of being killed.

Examples: Imminent car crashes, imminent plane crashes, imminent rape/murder cases, other imminent death scenarios.

I see you there, being all gentle and caring and stuff. You look foolish. That girl doesn’t want you to hold the door open! She wants the door to be made of a spike/acid mixture and for you to slam it into her head. She wants to fear that she might be killed at any time. So, loosen your belt, relax and be prepared to almost kill her until the end of time.

Note: Don’t completely kill her, because then she’ll be dead and you’ll be a murderer and you’ll go from someone who was just weird to someone who was weird and then killed someone weirder.

Tip 1: Set her on fire. I know this sounds like a gamble. Fire can destroy someone’s looks entirely, and not just like a bad haircut, but like a bad skin melt. And you sure as hell won’t be caught dating someone as unattractive as a skin melt victim. Too many of those girls around. But it’s safe, as long as you make sure she’s wearing heavy clothes that are somewhat flammable. And when you light her on fire, make sure to have water nearby or a fire extinguisher. Let her run around and bump into furniture for about 30 seconds before you put her out. Then carry her upstairs and make smoking love to her. Also, I failed high school chemistry.

Tip 2: When you’re on a date, take a detour into a rough neighborhood and exclaim “Will someone kill this woman for a large sum of money?” Then make a sarcastic fart noise and say “J k.”

Tip 3: Get your friend to wear a mask and follow her with a knife. Nothing says “You might die” like a over anxious stalker with a mask and knife. Tell your friend to follow her, slowly at first, and then to break into a run, forcing her to be terrified and sprint all the way home. When she gets inside, she’ll tell you all about her encounter with a mad man. Don’t comfort her though. This is no normal woman we’re dealing with.

Tip 4: Let her know that you don’t have her back as much as possible. In fact, you couldn’t care less if a wild dog broke in the house and mauled her. Then release the wild dog into the house (one you’ve secretly trained) and let it go at her a bit. Then give the covert whistle and the dog will leave. Huzzah! Instant afternoon sex.

Tip 5: When you’re standing by the train tracks, give her a slight push. Not enough to knock her in the way, but enough to let her know that you know what she likes and are willing to provide.

-Daniel

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