Michelle Bachmann’s Schedule

Only she knows where the treasure is buried.

7:00 AM: Hit the snooze button on specially designed alarm clock to stop Nelson Mandela’s screaming.

7:15 AM: Get angry over discovering “brown eggs” in her fridge.

7:30 AM: Knock on Marcus’ cabinet to see if he needs more water.

8:00 AM: Takes shower. Washes off remnants of reptile skin that didn’t flake during the night.

8:37 AM: Convulses on floor for an hour, having visions of the Armageddon.

9:02 AM: Visions subside. To calm down, she drinks a glass of child tears.

10:00 AM: Makes up facts about minorities/different cultures. Some of these include:

Black people used to have anti-family dragon teeth, but they were removed with white not sorcery.

Gays can be fixed if you remove their shins.

Gays can be fixed if you remove their pointer fingers.

If you hit a homeless person with a car, it’s not illegal. It’s justice.

(Attempts to spell “Pangea” in another line. Borderline unreadable. Draws crude picture of the United States.)

11:15 AM: Gets a quick, pick-me-up cup of coffee. Cashier asks if she wants it “black.” Michelle becomes enraged. Lizard head emerges from her neck and she devours every employee in the Starbucks.

11:25 AM: Has Starbucks cleaned up. Calls to make sure that someone checks her home and takes Marcus for his walk.

11:30 AM: Is reminded of a speech she has to give that evening. Goes into another fit of convulsions.

12:40 PM: Attempts to get “Bachmannado” (mix of Bachmann and Tornado) copyrighted. Becomes frustrated when describing it and burns the building to the ground. Cites the reasoning as her will, then God’s will, then changes it back to her will, before finally settling on Michelle “Bach-god’s” will.

1:30 PM: Eats lunch. Tells random families in the restaurant about the facts she made up that morning. Is stopped mid sentence by phone call saying that Marcus tried to escape. Promises to discipline him when she gets home.

2:00 PM: Follows up report on Starbucks massacre. Asked about the definition of irony. Replies with “I’ve got iron in my blood. And that’s me. Got it?”

3:00 PM: Starts to write speech for the evening. Manages to fill one note card before losing focus and continuing her children’s book “Willy White And The Day His Class Lost A Student And Became Perfect.”

4:20 PM: Friend makes a 4:20 joke. Lizard head devours him. Michelle makes a dated Charlie Sheen reference.

5:00 PM: Michelle claims that if you cut off one lizard head, three more grow in its place. Strangers attempts to prove her wrong. She is right, and devours stranger with one head and then two others because “They didn’t like my religion AND I COULD TELL.” She releases a roar that is heard all the way to the west coast.

Security Cam Photo

5:27 PM: Michelle makes her way home. Forces Marcus to watch Roots as his punishment. Tries to lessen the blow by saying that it’s like “Lord Of The Rings.” Pure fantasy.

6:10 PM: Elder gods of Nom Shorrath call down to Michelle. She sacrifices three mice and one of her finger nails in the daily ritual. The elder gods are pleased.

6:50 PM: Arrives at the convention center. Realizes that she has no speech prepared. Says that she’ll “wing it.” Goes into convulsions.

9:15 PM: Wakes up with no memory of having given the speech. It is described to her and she is quoted as saying “Exactly as Bach-god has foreseen it.” She then asks to have three children of “foreign origin” put into her dressing room and tells her advisors “No matter what you hear, do not open that door.”

10:00 PM: Forgets the way home. Stops off at hotel. Hotel is not properly “reinforced.” Stones and magma from the sky destroy it upon her entry.

10:20 PM: Michelle sleeps in her car.

Around 11:00 PM: Marcus dies of starvation and exposure.

12:16 AM: Michelle wakes up from a fever dream about her skin slowly darkening. She runs outside and claims to have been a part of the Civil War. She then hallucinates, believing that she is re-enacting a battle between herself and three-hundred atheist gay African American soldiers. The next morning, officers find the bodies. No charges are filed. The only evidence left behind is scraps of reptile skin.

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