The Tao Of Ultraman Part 2: Fighting

Read Part 1: Life

The Tao Of Ultraman Part 2: Fighting

For every person who’s ever been alive, there have been at least three people who have been taught how to defend themselves. It’s common logic to assume that two out of these three people took nothing from these lessons and will still be punished by the remaining third. And that remaining third is made up of Muay Thai fighters, soldiers and Ultraman.

Ultraman has a single battle strategy and that is “Continue to be Ultraman.” And it works. Ultraman’s fighting skills are unparalleled and if it wasn’t for the energy level light on his chest that constantly flashes whenever he’s about to pass out, he’d probably still be punching giant monsters today. Even though none of this has been written down, Ultraman’s technique of “Be Ultraman,” is a very simple skill. It involves set rules that, if used properly, will enable a person to win any fight. Watch closely, as I impart the ways of 100% certain ass kicking nirvana.

Step 1: Stance

Ultraman will throw up a standard karate pose. This is extremely important. Like most people, monsters don’t know different martial arts, so, putting up your hands like their knives will make them immediately assume “Oh shit. This guy is a black belt in beating my face.” It’s intimidation, and once you’ve made the opponent drink fear, you’ve already won.

Step 2: Grapple

Ultraman will grapple anything. It doesn’t matter if the villain is half his size and covered in needles, Ultraman will crouch and hug. This is done to let the opponent know that they have nowhere to go. They’re hopelessly trapped in your embrace, and they know that, if the slow dance doesn’t happen soon, it’s gonna be skeleton dislocation time.

Step 3: Throw

Ultraman has the strength of twelve of whatever alien he’s fighting, so no matter what the weight, if Ultraman wants to throw someone, it’s better for them to just go along with the ride. Throw your opponent to the ground after you’ve grabbed them. You may complain “I’m not big enough to throw someone,” and if that’s the case, then you’re forever in the aforementioned two-thirds. Enjoy your “I couldn’t take positive reinforcement ,” club. We’ll be over here if you need us, curb stomping large animals.

Step 4: Pound On Head

What Ultraman lacks in finesse, he makes up for in sheer ability to beat someone on the back of the cranium. This is Ultraman’s main tactic, and it should not be ignored. Get on top of your opponent and beat on his face, not with punches but by dropping the bottom of your fist like an axe. Make sure to look cool, though. It’s easy to mistake “Awesome Axe-Like Fist Drops” with “Blog Reader Tantrum.”

Step 5: Straddle

Ultraman never fails to wrap his legs around his opponent and then roll around with them for a bit. This is a humiliation tactic and is optional. It works best if you let the enemy live, because they then have to continue on, remembering that, at one point, you beat on their skull and then possibly tried to have sex with them.

Step 6: Repeat Steps 1-5

Sometimes you may end up fighting a “tough” antagonist and the steps listed won’t work if applied only once. The key here is to do them all over again. Sure, there will be a lot of yells of “Why do you keep trying to straddle me, man?” and replies of “It’s Ultraman to you, bro!,” but that just comes with the territory.

Step 7: Exploding Throw

Once Ultraman has beaten and humiliated something unlucky, he likes to raise the thing over his head, toss it one more time, and then watch it explode. This is what happens, biologically, after you’ve done these steps and then throw someone. Make sure that you’re in your easily cleaned, orange and silver rubber tights, as human/alien/monster meat is hard to wash off sometimes, I hear.

If this doesn’t work, and you’re still Ultraman, use your lasers and hand beams to beat the bad guy. However, if you’re not Ultraman, and this hasn’t worked yet, you’re not fighting anything of any planet. Ultraman doesn’t fuck around, and if he knew that the steps he created weren’t working for you, he’d be ashamed of your puny humanity.

-Daniel