Hi, guys! I’m Katy Perry, star of Katy Perry! You might have seen me when you mistook me for Zooey Deschanel or when you jerked off or when you did both! I recently started my separation from Russell Brand, who you might know from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and herpes. Anyways, because they’ve won a buttload of awards, I figure that my music videos are something special. They’re like The Godfather of music videos! That was the one with the alien going home right? Just kidding, I’d know a movie about cowboys when I saw one.
Sorry for getting off track. My ADHD makes me sort of relatable doesn’t it? Accept me as a real person, please. I’m here to help you with my knowledge of things video. Now you might ask me, Katy, how can you help me when making music videos or movies or something? You don’t have a lot of experience in any of those fields! Well, sillies, I’ve been on a set enough times to have picked up a thing or two. It’s called “learning,” ya moron! I don’t just sit around all day waiting for makeup to go on and then come off when I break down for no reason. I like to look at the cameras (that’s what they’re called right? Cam-er-as?) and check out all the lights and all the costumes they put me in and all the hot guys who are real, like you and me. I’m real, right?
So get out your pens and papers, ‘cause it’s time for a lecture, numb nuts! And I’m not one of those lame professors that you slept with in college. I’m a fucking cool one! I’ll show my ass off so you don’t have to! Zooey Deschanel doesn’t do that, and I’ve seen at least 2 episodes of that show she’s on. (Parks and Recreation? Names, lol.) But put on your thinking caps and your 3-D glasses, because it’s time to go to film school by means of my kickass music videos. Katy Perry’s Film School. (I thought of the name myself! Sweet!)
Katy Perry’s Film School
I Kissed A Girl
The first thing you should learn from this is that, when you have a hot girl around (me), film her! Look at the way the camera tilts up over my body, over my creamy white legs and my dress and then at my eyes, which are looking at YOU. That’s right. As a director, you should always make the girl stare directly at the camera, because it gives guys the illusion that they might be getting some later. But this song is about kissing girls AND LIKING IT. Why would guys have an interest in that? Well, it’s biologically proven that, when two girls, meaning myself and someone who is equally attractive, make out, dudes grow a second boner, just for the occasion. It’s not just film school; it’s life school!
Have a lot of shots where they do nothing but stare at the camera, maybe giving a suggestive wink or head turn. Holding a cat is optional. I do it, because its soft fur keeps the devil out of the walls! This video is a great example of making do with very little. Did you notice how great my boobs looked yet?
I kind of wish that someone had taken that stupid fan out of my hands. It distracts from the girls behind me (who I just noticed. Blu Ray really does make a difference!) and it distracts from me. When hiring a prop man, let him know that the things of greatest importance are a necklace with your name on it, fingerless gloves, gold bands and chains for me to touch and some ivy to put on the walls. That makes it look like the jungle, and I’d totally kiss a girl in a jungle.
Hot n’ Cold
I’m not all musical talent. Sometimes I have to show that I’m a great actress too. Also, having that little wedding part at the beginning adds story, and makes you invested in the characters. You use a script for characters, and I’m pretty sure that Forrest Gump had a script. People LOVED Forrest Gump.
Look at all those camera angles! It’s like they’re shooting from a hover satellite! And then, everyone starts dancing when the music hits. That’s done to let the audience know that this is a music video and not just a video video. Look at the preacher dance! That’s done for comic relief, because the audience likes to laugh and he’s old and ugly. Ew, old man, get off the set! Am I right, girls?
See those people yelling and doing stuff when I chase that guy through the street? Those are called “extras.” You can hire them to just stand around and look at things. People will actually do that! Like, normal people. It’s ridiculous, I know. I couldn’t be an extra, mainly ‘cause I’m too pretty, and if I stand in one place for too long, the sun melts my skin off. And when we chase him on our bicycles? That’s more comic relief. This video is a riot! Who’s that hot one that’s singing? Oh, that’s me! :)
I don’t have a ton to say about this one, except that this is what you’d call a collaboration. Snoop Dogg, who usually robs banks or talks about it, agreed to star in my music video! I’m still excited! To give you an example of another famous collaboration, remember in Iron Man, when that former pimp starred with Robert Downey Jr? That’s a collaboration. When a black guy and a white guy do something together and the black guy raps. Thanks, George Lincoln!
Look at all that candy.
Remember when I talked about relatable and how I am so much of that word? That’s not just for people. You have to find the emotion for your video videos. Sometimes that emotion is called “happiness” or “give nerd erections.” It depends on the song. In this one, the emotion is “Kinda creepy. See the car and the muscles!”
You never want to make an audience bored. Ever. That’s why sex sells. Because sex with me is never boring. Fill your movies with sex and people doing stuff while the main characters are about to have sex. That way it shows that life is hot n’ cold. Sometimes, you can be me in a hotel, and sometimes there are people around and all you can do is wait until they leave. Oh, and have a pool at the end. I think that stands for something.
Look at all the drama and tension. Sometimes you don’t even need words. She’s at a pool party! A. Pool. Party. Me, I would be showing off my not-bikini against some hot extra. But she’s just sitting there. The drama here is that she’s totally lame. Not a firework at all. What is this song about?
I’m shooting fireworks out of my breasts! That’s called special effects. Sometimes you need them when you have to show a spaceship or a dragon or explosives coming out of my tits. They cost money though, and as a video director, you won’t make that ever. Unless you’re me. They’d pay me just to try to sing! Oh.
She jumps in the pool in the end, right before everyone grows firework boobs. That’s called a story arc, when one person doesn’t do something and then, in the end of the video, does it.
See, I was right about that whole collaboration thing.
Costumes are super important. They let you know that I’m not really in outer space. You can’t even breathe in outer space, much less look beautiful. I look just like Star Wars here. They use a lot of cool locations. Locations also let you know that I’m not really in space.
They gave me deer legs in the end. That’s what’s called a plot twist. It’s when something happens that you didn’t expect. Instead of me being dead or the last airbender or whatever that guy does, I’m a forest animal. You thought I had milky colored thighs, but nope. Bambi, baby! I still have a woman vagina though, boys. Gotta stay down to earth. Get it?!
Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)
Ughh, this video is eight minutes long. What am I, dead?
Look at those braces and that dorky outfit. I just out-Zooey’d Zooey!
I’m so bored. Oh look, the 80’s. When was this video made? Nineteen-ninety-yawn? Don’t make a video like this. I’m so sick of it, I could puke. This is my film school. Blah blah, hair. Costume. Camera pointing straight at everything so you can see it better. Corey Feldman is dad. Whatever.
The One That Got Away
Look how real that old lady make-up is! It’s like I actually murdered a grandmother and sawed her face off and wore it! Look at how the video looks in here. That’s called lighting. You don’t just flip a switch either. You have to hire less talented people who won’t ever be directors (don’t tell ‘em I said that. Pinky swear?) to do the lighting for you. They carry around huge cases and set up and then you act while people hold the lamps and suffer. Sucks to be untalented, light group!
Look at all that’s going on. Old me, young me, old me, young me, I’m so hot I can’t keep myself straight. That’s called a montage. Sixty years is boring to watch, so just show the fun parts of it, mixed with the bad parts of it, to let the audience know how bad marriage can be. I’d know. Fuck you, Russell. I’m a big ass star and you have long hair. Good luck getting on Mad Men or whatever.
I’m sorry. I sidetracked a bit and lost my temper. Aw, who cares. You’re training to be artists. You’re chance of having a good relationship is just as good as mine of having great breasts. And mine are fucking fantastic.
Oh yeah, the video. Ummm. What else is there? I’m sitting on the bed with me. That’s kind of cool because it lets the audience know that I’m a thinker and a dreamer. He’s a ghost in the end. And then I walk away with no one else. The magic of cinema! I’m starting to cry. Will I ever be alone like that? For real?
Well, that’s about it. I’ve taught you everything I can, which is a shit-lot. You’ll be making movies in no time, hopefully with me in them. Did you see my face in Hot n’ Cold? I’ve got potential. Really, I do.