The Literary Review is dedicated to exposing the worst things about combinations of words. I don’t know the percentage of people in the world that can read and write, but I do know that 98% of those people are verifiably stupid and that 99% of those verified absolutely have to bring their stupidity to the public light. Having said that, I don’t mean to insult the writer, but the words they have written. So, if you’re a writer and you see this and think, “Hey, that’s not fair,” don’t blame me. It was you who wrote the dumb shit in the first place.
If you’ve never been to a Waffle House, you’re missing out. It’s a restaurant, primarily concerned with serving you breakfast foods in the most unsanitary of conditions. The health inspection grade card is often confused with the logo for a men’s bathroom. It’s so humid you would swear that it also serves as an unattended morgue. The temperature rarely gets set below “uncomfortably, strangely hot,” so while you pick apart your omelet, you can also enjoy the atmosphere of a place that seems to have settled its grudge against air conditioning. The floors are so nasty that they stunt double for concentration camp photos.
However, I know what it’s like to be drunk and hungry for eggs at 2:30 A.M., so I love the Waffle House. Because, when you’re hammered and putting butter on toast, you rarely notice that the tables look like they haven’t been cleaned since before black people could sit at them.
The application for Waffle House that I found was a “MINI APPLICATION.” Before I proceed, let me tell you of some of the things that I believe have a right to be miniature.
That’s about it. However, beside the local business cards and menus sat, in a small rack, MINI APPLICATIONS, appealing to the rare customer who thinks, while drinking pulpy orange juice, “I could see myself working here.”
Let’s see what this fun-sized application had as its “REASONS TO JOIN THE WAFFLE HOUSE TEAM.”
Weekly Pay in Cash
Fair enough. I know a few restaurants that do this. Considering the décor of Waffle House, this probably alludes to a future conversation where you and a co-worker discuss how to divide the 39 dollars you found in a sleeping patron’s wallet.
Medical, Dental & Life Insurance available for you & your family
Man, Waffle House can help support the kids too? I feel like there’s some kind of catch to this, like a really small addendum that reads “*All accidents must take place inside the Waffle House, under supervision of CEO.”
Waffle House Stock Ownership
This would be my first concern if I was going to apply; whether or not I was going to get a piece of the Waffle House empire.
Excellent Earning Potential
Really? I think you use the term “excellent” too loosely, MINI APPLICATION. I think you also use the term “APPLICATION” too loosely. I’ve never heard someone say “I’m retiring on my Waffle House money. Where’s my yacht? I’d like to burn it. All those years I spent putting old jelly packets on tables have allowed me to splurge a bit.”
Two weeks of paid vacation per year
Thanks, Waffle House. I’d need at least two weeks to wash the smell of bacon and hopelessness off me.
Flexible Schedules – Full or Part-Time, Day or Night Shifts
Thanks for listing this as a “benefit,” Waffle House, rather than putting it under “Stuff You Can Do At Most Places.” I was really hoping I’d see this and not “BUY A SLEEPING BAG AND KISS YOUR WIFE GOODBYE, FUTURE TEAM MEMBER.”
A Strong, Growing Company Dedicated to Associates & Customers
Let’s be honest. If someone is applying to Waffle House, I doubt that they give a shit about whether or not it’s expanding or who its associates are. And from my last trip there, I’d imagine that the closest thing that Waffle House has to an associate is the Bojangles next door, where new Waffle House waiters are sent on lunch breaks to look for loose change in the parking lot.
Equal Employment & Advancement Opportunity
Waffle House, your eggs taste like the last death rattles of someone making cereal. Your milk is so warm that it should be labeled on the menu as “Cow Urine.” The splotchy silverware makes it clear that the manager fired the dishwashing machine for laziness. I’d be ashamed if I couldn’t get a job with you. I’m such a bad cook that I often forget Step Nothing of eating a donut, but I think I could make head Waffle House chef within an hour.
The application then has a large box with the words “YES! I Want To Join The Team!” beside it. I’m glad that Waffle House uses the same method for hiring employees that I used when asking a girl in 5th grade if she liked me or not.
The application then goes on to ask the regular questions – whether or not you’re sixteen yet, if you’re interested in full or part time work, what shift you’d want and what days you’re available. Then, it gets into the short answer section of the process.
Do you have reliable transportation? Y/N
You don’t have to worry, Waffle House. I wouldn’t apply for a position on the team if there was the slightest chance that I wouldn’t be able to get to you. A better question for this portion would be “Are you absolutely, 100% positive that you want to work at Waffle House?”
Date Available To Start
Okay, let’s talk business.
Have you worked with us before?
I physically can’t answer “Yes” to this question without forcing myself to cry.
Jeez. The first hint of Waffle House’s paranoia sets in. Trust me, no one says “I used to work at Waffle House” as a joke. No one. That’s like starting a date with the lines “You know why I brought this backpack right? I collect Civil War bayonets. Hold still, I need a lock of your hair.”
List all criminal convictions
For this, the application gives me a line and a half to list every criminal activity that I’ve ever been involved in, and caught for. Given the precise nature of the previous questions, Charles Manson could write “none” here, and be given his first shift the next week. Also, I don’t think Waffle House took into account that the technical terms for crimes can often be very long. Either that or it’s the first application I’ve ever seen that allows you to abbreviate “Failure To Stop At A Stop Sign/Vehicular Manslaughter” as “Car hit a kid. She’s eh.”
The next part of the application lists the process for an “EMPLOYMENT TELEPHONE SCREENING LESSON.” The most ridiculous thing here is the line, in bold, “TAKE THE QUESTIONS SERIOUSLY.”
This implicates one of two things.
The questions themselves are inherently not serious. I know that this entire form is the work of an insane person, struggling to find the way to make working in the asshole of a breakfast platter look appealing, so I wouldn’t doubt it if the some of the questions for the telephone screening included:
Panther VS Horse? Who wins?
You own two eggs and Jon steals three eggs. Did I misspell “still”?
Your wife has two g-spots. Quickly, find the imposter!
Or, and more likely, people have taken the screening and given stupid answers. I imagine that, before this application was re-printed, half of all the calls went like this:
Waffle House: So, you said you worked at Burger King. How do you think that will help you in a position here?
Potential Employee: Penis, penis, penis! *click*
The rest of the explanation is also pretty standard, with the exception of “Answer each question honestly.” It’s okay, Waffle House. My extensive moon-landing experience and that time I fought Kurt Russell probably won’t come up in the interview.
If any of the above requirements/benefits sound appealing, congratulations! You are ready to work at Waffle House. Sorry, dreams. Looks like you’ll have to wait in the car!