Cooler Facts To Keep Your Mediocre Friends Impressed

The very first article that I wrote for this site was “Cool Facts To Impress Your Mediocre Friends.” A lot has changed since then. You’re much, much cooler and your friends, in comparison, are lame. They’re probably sycophantic and impatient, texting you to see if you’re free every day. If they’re not doing that, you either didn’t read the article or you read the article, and didn’t use its gift. In the case of the former, click the link above and prepare to have your world expanded. In the case of the latter, stop now. This isn’t just a site for comedy jokes – this is a site for self-improvement. You read that entire thing and were too stupid to do anything about it. I’m sorry. You’ve lost. Enjoy the “Honorable Mention.”

This the third image that popped up when I Googled “cool people.” You know what, internet? I take it back.

Ever since the last article was written, Oligonia has grown to encompass most of western Europe. That sounds absurd, but the government has managed to cover up the Loch Ness Monster (or have they?), so don’t trust anything that a map can tell you. Believe me. I can write words, and that already sets me above a decent number of the world’s people. But this isn’t a statement on the earth’s illiteracy rates. This is about helping Oligonia and yourself, and belittling your friends. Also, reading is fun.

Ever since the last article was written, the Oligonia economy has experienced a significant boost. I won’t go into details again on how it works, but rest assured, it’s purely second world. And now we’re gonna take it one step higher. Watch out, countries where everyone drives cars, we’re competing in the big leagues. Give Oligonia a gold medal for ass whoopin.’ They deserve it.

Friendships are based around the concept that someone sucks and someone else doesn’t. Take a look at you and your best friend. Which one of you is awful at being a person? Which one of you rocks at it? Okay. Now, whatever you answered is either going to be reversed or made even better by the time you finish this. It’s time for you to lie to your friends and live out the old adage “Grab life by the horns,” if that old adage had also included “and rip the bull’s head off, winner.”

These are twelve more facts for you to use whenever you see fit, and these fit every situation.

Fact One: The animal with the most hind legs is the Alaskan Bear Wasp. It’s a giant insectoid creature, with 12 hind legs, and possesses the ability to fly and hibernate. They’ve rarely been documented, and the only recorded encounter in history was noted in the late Christopher Columbus’ journals.

April 6th, 1501

Dear Diary,

Bear wasp! Oh, shiiiiiittt!

-Christopher

Fact Two: Every year, Adele has to get her throat replaced with a new, silicon vocal chip. This makes her part-cyborg and is also the biggest contributor to her success. Country music star Luke Bryan also has to get a chip replaced every year, but it’s the one that scientists use in their “How awful can we make someone” experiments.

I just hate him.

Fact Three: Russia was, for seven seconds before the ruling was overturned, divided into two separate regions: Russia and Rushia. The ruling was overturned because a country named “Rushia” is stupid.

Fact Four: There are four types of grass: Crab grass, reg’ grass, tall grass and grass-with-soul, otherwise known as flowers. These were named by Alistair Turner, who had a public history of no friends and even less pairs of shoes.

Fact Five: The original name of “Star Trek” was “Planet Adventures.” This was later changed to “Laser Planes” and then “More Globes Than Earth,” before settling on “Star Trek,” which, in some South American countries, is shown to quell riots and cause boredom.

Fact Six: The number six was created when Lady Agnes Five claimed to see the future. “There’s more in the world than me. I know this” she is quoted as saying, on her death bed. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m really fucking important. Six.”

Fact Seven: The most repeated Marilyn Monroe quote in history is that one where she talks about girls and how girls can be awesome if they’re not like other girls and that if you want to be the man, you have to beat the man.

Fact Eight: The first people to discover sex was a middle-aged couple in Ohio in the early 1900’s. The Akron Beacon Journal called their experience “unremarkable” and “sweaty.”

Fact Nine: When drunk, Charles Dickens liked to proclaim himself “Mr. Tyrannosaur.” He would then find the nearest and most promiscuous woman, pretend his hands were claws and say “I’ve got you in my dino-paws, my lady. And that’s a metaphor for upper and middle class relations.” He would then puke, and by morning, had forgotten everything.

Literary genius and pretend dinosaur.

Fact Ten: The armadillo is the only animal in the known world to identify the amount of “swag” that it has. In certain countries, the phrase “ballin’ like an armadillo” is widespread, and some U.S. high schools have adopted “Most Armadillo” as a senior superlative.

Stuntin’ is a habit.

Fact Eleven: Headphones were the second thing man invented, after the wheel. They were deemed useless for thousands of years until “re-invented” by Nathaniel Baldwin in 1910. The original creator, Slogg, a half-ape who was known primarily around the cave for indecently exposing himself to everyone, never received proper credit or compensation.

Fact Twelve:  The toilets of McDonalds are often so clogged that construction workers are called in during the night to remodel the bathrooms. McDonald’s calls this process “The Real Whopper” and construction workers use the slang phrase “Got a ten piece chicken nugget tonight” when referring to it.

Well, with these additional twelve facts, you should be egotistical in absolutely no time. A single round of applause can be given from me to you now. Do you hear the winds of social reform? I surely do.

-Daniel

READ PART 3!

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