#no Blake Shelton’s Twitter

Look at that skin. That's either due to editing or someone has come back kill Sarah Connor.

When celebrities respond to fans, it’s always interesting. Sometimes they handle it with poise and dignity, and sometimes they act irrationally. And sometimes, they’re Blake Shelton. And that means they’ll act like a fucking idiot.

Through the ten seconds of research that I performed, I discovered that Blake Shelton is a thirty-five year-old country music artist. Now, anyone can act stupid. But keep in mind that this man is thirty-five. At some point in your life, unless you’re paid to do it, insulting strangers loses its edge and you start to realize that, maybe, there are better things out there then trying to belittle a person who spoke harshly of you on the internet. Blake Shelton skipped that point entirely, and stands up to all those lame-asses who think that self-respect and “calming down” is the responsible way to handle things.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard any of Blake Shelton’s music and recognized it as him. If you’re in the same boat, here’s a sample of one of his songs to get you acquainted with him.

I feel sick right now… Shit!!!!!!

You’re a grown man, Blake. There’s no need for six exclamation points. “Shit, I feel sick,” would’ve worked just as well. The best part about this is that I read this tweet fifteen minutes ago and there are already more than fifty retweets. Is Blake performing some sort of super comedy that my brain is too un-evolved to handle? Or are there people out there who see that Blake feels sick and think that it’s interesting AND that they should tell all their friends about it?

If you don’t support #TeamBlake you can probably describe in detail what your grandpa looks like naked…..

Wait, are you telling haters that, if they don’t like you, they can go imagine what their grandpa looks like naked as a result? Or is this some weird accusation of a gay, incestual relationship between us and our grandfathers? In either case, it’s not that effective of an insult, especially considering that, if it’s the latter, how absurd that leap of logic is. The Rock doesn’t tell people “You know what your cat’s orgasm sounds like? If you’re not part of #teambringit you probably do!” Also, nice use of ellipses here, making it seem as if you slid back from your computer and exclaimed “Think of a comeback to that, internet!”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Can’t stop laughing!!

“Ha! Ha! Ha!”? If my theory is correct and Blake Shelton is indeed some sort of dumb robot, then spelling it “Ha! Ha! Ha!” means that someone spilled water on his control panel. This was done in response to someone calling out a person who has “NO H8” in their profile picture, but tweeted that they hated someone anyway. While that’s ironic, it’s not inherently funny. At least not in a “haha” kind of way. More of a “Ha! Ha! Ha!” way.

Aw.. Its okay. We’ll all pitch in and try to get you laid..

Yeah.. That guy couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison…

Both of these were done in response to a guy who apparently called Blake an idiot. And both of these got more than 50 retweets as well. There has to be something I’m missing here.

Girls, girls, girls!

“That guy couldn’t get laid in women’s prison”? That’s honestly an insult that Blake thought was clever enough to show to the entire world. He just assumes that women’s prisons are factories where blind lust is created. I’d call this “sexism” but Blake would probably think that that’s what happens when you ask Satan to leave a body. You know what, Blake? I’m going to go along with you and say that this poor guy probably couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison. But then again, I don’t think you could either, considering that you’d probably enter, insult them all for absolutely no reason, and then get beaten to death for it.

How old are you?!!

This was done as a reply to someone wanting to know why Blake hadn’t replied to his tweets, and if there’s a closer thing to meta humor in the world, then I have yet to see it.

Ha! Ha! High Five!!

Oh shit, it’s not a malfunction. This man is programmed for destruction.

Whew!! Good… I was so stressed out not knowing it existed.. #dipshit

You capped off your insult by adding a hash tag to the word “dipshit”? Shouldn’t the military be using you to humanely test land mines by now?

Remember that guy who Blake insinuated was not manly enough to get laid in a women’s prison? Yeah, this is the same guy, except that earlier, Blake felt the need to sarcastically comment about how much he doesn’t care about this guy’s words, which defeats the purpose of not caring. Then again, Blake doesn’t follow the normal laws of mankind. In his world, every question needs a douchy response, and if you put two women in the same room together, all they’ll talk about is how they can get some penis.

Thanks gur!!!

A girl told Blake that she thought he was a great singer, and Blake felt the need to comment back in the most stereotypical girl way possibly, misspellings included. We know you’re a robot, Blake. You don’t have to hide it anymore.

It is impossible to argue with music that people buy.. You can’t even make a good point about it. When money is spent to own it, it’s right.

And in one fell swoop, Blake Shelton completely denies the existence of subjectivity and the validity of criticism. Thank you, Overlord Blake.  I was going to form my own opinion, but you would probably ignore that. #dipshit

Aww.. So sweet…

wonder why your professor would wish that on me?… Oh!!! That’s it!! It’s because he could never EVER whip my ass… Ever..

In response to a girl telling Blake that her professor wishes that the singer would die painfully in an acid bath, Blake puffs his chest out and all but threatens to find the professor and beat his ass. First of all, I deny the girl’s story as being true. I have a sneaking suspicion that Music Star With The Obnoxious Twitter 1216 isn’t even a real course, and if it was, the professor would be too busy wondering why the females in the class weren’t trying to sleep with him to get any lecturing done.

This was taken right before Blake called the reporter an "idiot."

Secondly, why does Blake jump so suddenly to a hypothetical fight with the professor? How paranoid is this man? Does he expect a bespectacled scholar with a bag and a dirty coat to jump out of his closet and announce “Let us fight to our finish! Also, I do not have a Twitter account!”

Nothing worse than short comers….

Nice pun, Blake. You’ve taken the English language and completely bent it to your will.

It will never cease to amaze me how when people criticize or judge others they cant handle it when someone returns the favor…

Coherent sentences? Not when you’re Blake Shelton, country star and North American Comeback Champion 2012! (Though that title is said to be under dispute, as judges are still mulling over whether or not the twelve-year-old who called his sister “Butt Munch” can be seen as a legitimate entry, especially considering Blake’s handicap.)

Note: All of these tweets were made in under 24 hours.

-Daniel

9 thoughts on “#no Blake Shelton’s Twitter”

  1. if you don’t like Blake’s tweets then don’t read it and don’t bother writing a blog analyzing his tweets.

  2. I agree with the 1st tweet There is alot of people that likes his music &his tweets The ones that don’t stay off of twitter

  3. That song killed me before I even read about the tweets.
    I love that the things he assumes women do alone are dance around the house in their underwear sexily, and eat strawberries, and take bubble baths.
    TRUTH ALERT: we fart and bite our nails when no one’s looking.
    And why are there 3 of them.

    And how the hell does he have time for all these tweets? Isn’t he a musician? Doesn’t he tour and write music and fall in love and stuff? Maybe he has a team of 12 year olds he pays to tweet for him.

    1. After hearing the song, I can’t really say that Blake Shelton does anything close to resembling “writing music.”

      How can you love a woman who farts? That’s just crazy. If I met a woman who farts, I would immediately ask her to see a doctor.

  4. Ha! I have no idea who this man is, and now I have no desire to investigate further. You’ve halted my progression into mindless stupidity once more, Daniel! I thank you :)

  5. You’ve really put him in a bad light here. TeamBlake refers to his The Voice team (The Voice is competition to Idols) and lots of the stuff has been overanalysed by you. I don’t really listen to his music but what I’ve seen of him makes me think he’s a good sort. (Then again he does The Voice alongside Aguilera, Cee Lo Green and Adam Levine so he doesn’t really have that much competition in the “I’m decent” competition).

    Still, nicely written article :P

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