Oh my god, you guys came back! You’re like the best cats ever!
So, it’s summer and summer means pools and short dresses and for you, school. But don’t worry, ‘cause once again, I’m the teacher. And I’m the super hot teacher. Just ask my boobs.
Last time, I taught you guys how to make movies and it went super well. I bet, by now, everyone who read that has made Battleship or something. But, like all stuff that’s stuff, some of you didn’t make Battleship and now you have to take summer school to get your GPA up. Bummer, dorks. You could totally be hitting on some hot girls at the mall right now, but instead you have to go learn more about cameras and words and things, while those hot girls are all getting dates with smarter, hotter dudes, something that will happen forever.
I know that I covered like, nine billion videos in the first semester of film school, so you might be wondering “Katy Perry?’
“Yes?” I’d think back. (This is so fun.)
“Could you possibly have anymore videos? I mean, nine billion is a lot.”
“Shut up, stupid! Of course I do!”
Okay, now we can talk with our mouths.
I have four more videos that we can discuss in this new curriculum. Two of them are off an updated edition of my “Teenage Dream” album. The other two are times that I agreed to be in other people’s videos because they weren’t quite Katy Perry enough. And we all know what not having enough me in their lives can do to people.
You’ll learn, Russell. You fucker. You’ll learn.
Anyways, here goes something!
Starstrukk by 30H!3 (featuring me! Yay!)
Okay, so we have a blind guy here, because it’s important to have equal amounts of different kinds of people in videos. If we didn’t put a blind guy around all those hot girls, everyone would be like “This seems awfully racist!” So we put him in there, because he can’t see, which sucks, ‘cause this video is full of girls so sexy that I’d make out with them.
Look at these guys, stealing coins from the fountain. Those are people’s good luck coins. These people are called “anti-heroes.” An anti-hero is someone who you like that you’re not supposed to, because they do stupid, mean stuff, like Wolverine or Kanye West.
Look at me in that fountain! I’m so hot. Like, I know that we’re supposed to be talking about how stuff has lighting and all that, but seriously, if you’re not all boner’d right now, you’re one hell of a mime. Oh, and there’s a twist ending, because those guys are going to be arrested.
If We Ever Meet Again by Timbaland (featuring my eyes)
Okay, so, I had to Wikipedia this, but that’s called a point of view shot (or POV, but that could mean anything) when I’m at that café. It’s shot from my eyes. It’s almost like they took out my eye balls and then put little cameras in there and let me be the director. Cut! I’m blind!
Haha, just kidding. I’m not really blind.
Ugh, what am I even doing in this video. If you said “Nothing cool, Katy” you get a 100. It’s about a thief who isn’t played by me and she falls in love with this YAWWWWWWNNNNN.
Part Of Me
Okay, so I’m acting here and I do a pretty damn good job. This guy thinks he can just make out with another girl while I’m in the parking lot? Have you seen how many windows are in that building? Those windows are a plot hole. A plot hole is when something doesn’t make sense and then nerds complain about it on the internet. He should be all like “Oh, I want to make out with this girl who’s way less hot and funny than Katy Perry…Oh, man! Look at all those windows! And her car! I see her car! And she’s in it!”
Then I’m driving away, just like the song says. Then I decide to get some bottled water and cut my hair and put a hoodie on. And poof, I’m in the marines, like Mulan was. Except everyone knows that I’m a girl still. And I’m wearing a hoodie. Hoodies weren’t invented until, like, 1980.
I’m doing a lot of rifles and sports and stuff here. But, in the middle of all that, I get a letter from that asshole saying “It was a mistake. Take me back.” There’s suspense here, because everyone wants to know if I’ll take him back or not. So, I keep singing when I’m not supposed to, and the tension is building. And then I get to sing and spin under a big flag, which, I guess answers some of your questions but not all of them. Maybe in Part Of Me 2: Homefront Protection.
Okay, so we start off with a behind the scenes tour of the “California Gurls” set. Look at how relatable I am! I’m like “Bye guys!” and “Do you think this is gonna be good?” See, I have flaws too. Not flaws like normal you, but Katy Perry flaws.
So, I’m in this maze and I eat some strawberry, which gives my breasts the power to shoot a distress signal into space. A little girl sees my beacon and leads me to some mirrors. Here’s something called foreshadowing. Foreshadowing is when something is hinted at and then happens later. Like, if I told you, “I’m going to break your computer” that would be me hinting at breaking your computer. And since it’s foreshadowing, I’d probably break your computer. Here, you can’t see the girl’s reflection, so it’s foreshadowing that she might not be real. Wait? I’m holding her hand. Why wouldn’t she be real? That’s not foreshadowing. That’s just stupid.
Okay, whatever. People are taking pictures of me through the mirror, which is a dumb idea because it would totally catch the glare. Then I’m in a wheelchair, and the girl screams at some minotaurs and a guy on a unicorn and some heart bushes and then I’m on stage and the girl’s on a bicycle. What was this video about again?
I’m glad that you all decided to take summer school with me, Katy Perry. Now, get to movie making! I have faith in you. And that’s not just regular faith! That’s super powered Katy Perry faith! Accept me as your Queen!