Somewhere, at some point, someone has said “No child can be raised the same way.” I disagree with this hypothetical person, because they refuse to see the inherent logic that comes with parenting. In this three part series, I will expose the laws of the child-bearing/raising universe. Because, if there’s anyone in the world who can bust the lies that surround subjective methods of child care, it’s me.
Many of you are around the age where having a child seems likely. The idea of a small, yammering poo beast appeals to you for some reason and you’d like to painfully push one out of your loins. While it might not seem fun, I can understand this need to produce a baby. I liken it to the need I have to watch Robocop 3 sometimes or try eggrolls again even though I fucking hate eggrolls all the time. Masochism isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
To help you get a better grasp on what a baby is, I have listed five definitive facts about them below. Realize that these are all tested for truth, though, in a few occasions (which I will point out,) there are some differences.
BABY FACT 1: Babies are usually tiny. Sometimes they can fit in shoes and they’ll look foolish if they put on your hat. This does not apply to whale babies or dinosaur babies.
BABY FACT 2: Babies will not be able to speak for a while. If you are having a baby for the conversation, you are looking in the wrong place. You will have to teach them how to talk if you ever want to get anything out of them. This can be a grueling test of will. This fact applies to all babies, including baby geniuses, which don’t actually exist.
BABY FACT 3: Babies also won’t be able to run for a while. They make poor work out buddies and taking them to the gym for a bicep/lats session is an exercise in futility. They also can’t drive, or chug beer. It’s hard to establish a “bro-mance” with a baby, because they’re just so damn stupid.
BABY FACT 4: Babies like dumb things, like a curious, gentle cat or bouncing something in front of them.
BABY FACT 5: Babies often require names. If you don’t have a respected grandfather or favorite movie, I will give you a few examples to choose from:
You might now be asking yourself “How can I, as a woman or man, procure one of these ‘bay-bees’?”
Well, thanks to the Library of The Capital of American Studies, I have procured a few graphs, charts and informative images to help you in a step by step fashion. Look closely and take notes if you feel the need.
Now that you understand the process of inserting your rock stud into someone’s delicate sex burrito (torpedo’ing the ship’s stern, if you will,) I will lead you through the period known as pregnancy, or, as women like to call it “I’m craving pickles and Chips Ahoy right now. PICKLES AND COOKIES, STAT.”
During pregnancy, the infant will grow in its uteral womb or whatever. It becomes quite noticeable after a few months and can be off-putting, especially if you like women best when they look like twelve-year-old boys. To appease your sensibilities if you have a problem with a swollen belly, imagine this scenario:
You’re wife has been filled with thousands of tiny spiders. The only way to defeat these spiders is by inserting your seed into her, which will hatch in order to do battle with the arachnids. At the end of the ninth-month period, the spiders will be defeated, the prophecy fulfilled and your child will have earned its right to be born. If the spiders are not defeated, your wife will explode and it’ll be like the Area 51 medical lab scene in Independence Day. All you can do is pray.
Pregnancy requires maternal wear. You can usually tell what’s maternal wear and what isn’t by how much the shirt the woman is wearing looks like someone made a nurse’s outfit out of multiple table cloths. Maternal wear can be bought at stores that sell it.
There are certain segments of the pregnancy timeline called trimesters. As you can tell by words, there are three trimesters. Each is more terrifying than the last.
The first trimester, or “Sperm Against The Odds,” includes the developing of Morning Sickness (when your lady/you will feel nauseous at random times) and the embryo will start to grow into something that resembles a brain-eating parasite. Don’t worry though. At this stage, it is the perfect size to infiltrate the spider community.
The second trimester, or “The Creature, It Lives,” includes the subsiding of Morning Sickness and the woman getting more energized. This energizing comes from a constant struggle within the woman’s body, not just between the developing baby and the Spider King, but the woman’s body and the strange monster growing inside of it. Who will suck more life? Is your wife’s digestive system strong enough to draw at least some nutrition and power from the food she eats? At this stage, the baby will start to resemble a real human. Don’t let it fool you.
The third trimester, or “2012,” includes a rapid weight gain and the eventual birth. In this stage, the baby will look like a tiny pilot of your wife’s robot body, until birth when the woman regains control of her functions and suddenly awakens from her nightmare.
This concludes Part 1 of our three-step journey into the joys of pregnancy and childbirth. Part 2 will detail the labor that goes into vomiting forth one’s spawn and the first few days of making sure that your dog doesn’t attack it.