#no Batman’s Twitter

*The Twitter account that this article poked fun at has apparently been suspended. Try to imagine the worst thing ever when you read it and you should be fine.

A lot of fictional characters have been given Twitter accounts. Voldemort decided that, post mortem, killing students at Hogwartz couldn’t compare to the thrill of participating in Twitter trends. Darth Vader can’t tweet without constantly referencing back to movies you’re tired of hearing about. We even got a fake Will Ferrell, who isn’t very funny at all. But he knows a great deal about how much it sucks to be single and how we should go for our dreams, so, I guess it balances out for those of us with caveman brains.

Batman, a very popular billionaire man child, has a few as well, and none of them fail as hard as this one. There are a few metaphors that could describe how much this Twitter account sucks, but I find that, when you fail on this level, you become a metaphor yourself. Hell, you might even become a….symbol. A legend, Mr. Wayne.

Being respected for the real you, has a much greater value than being liked for the fake you.

Thanks already, Batman. I could twist this into Batman talking about his own dilemma of dealing with both his Bruce Wayne and Bat Wayne personas, but getting that deep with this Twitter account is like reading “See Spot Run” and trying to find all the Freudian slips.

Fat City B*tch. Fat Fat City B*tch. Ten Ten Doughnuts, and a Twinkie B*tch. VIP Micky D’s, No Guest List. #RappersAsFood

I didn’t know that fake Batman listened to the same music as me, but he even showed us what he sings to himself when he’s alone in the Batmobile. It’s obvious that someone just took the name @LifeAsBatman and used it to attract followers, tweeting the same things that they would’ve done with a less marketable name, but this breaks my suspension of disbelief in ways that I can’t even count. It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around Batman deciding to hold off crime fighting in order to make lame parody jokes about fat people, but then again, this could be the direction that they take Batman in the next inevitable series, which I’m totally down for. What’s next? “Call Me Maybe” memes? The possibilities are a stupid amount of endless.

You get ‘em, Batman.

Listen bitch, if you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the damn kitchen.

It gets real, as Batman puts women in their place. Courteous showcases of romance? Not today, bitches of the world! Batman doesn’t fool around with your neediness. He’s got lyrics to satirize and advice to spit up. If Batman was making fresh squeezed orange juice, who would save Gotham? No one. If you want the door open for you, you better hope it’s an electronic sliding one, you stupid gashes! Am I doing it right, Batman?

If you don’t like One Direction, you’re not a REAL NIGGA.

Is there some area of hip hop inspired manliness that I missed where you’re supposed to like swooshy haired teens singing flaccidly about girl fantasies? I must have missed that N.W.A. album.

THAT BITCH… Retweet if you thought of someone.

I didn’t think Batman hated women this much, but apparently he’s a real dick to them on Twitter. This tweet got 868 retweets, which means that a bunch of people saw this and thought to themselves “(Insert name here)!” Do people really think this way? You hear a certain word and your mind immediately relates it to the person it most applies to? That’s terrifying. I would hate to live in a world where I thought of everyone in middle school when I heard the word “bastard” or the cashier of Barnes & Noble when I heard “banal.” If you asked this Batman to describe women’s rights, he’d spend an hour complaining about the price of prostitutes. The only way he knows to get a woman’s thong off is hoping for a very intricate tornado.

“The Dark Knight Rises” was pretty good. Not enough woman bashing though.

I dress in clothes that I like, not in clothes that I think others will like.

When Batman isn’t putting those coozes in their place, he’s busy just talking about general things. I hope you would dress in clothes that you like Batman, but when did you become so lame? You’re the Dark Knight. I don’t need to be told to “believe in myself” by you. If the Joker was on the loose, you’d spend half the fight telling kids that they should be unique and the other half sending hateful texts to your ex-girlfriend.

Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. Nothing’s ever your fucking fault.

Come on, Batman. You’re better than this. Passive-aggressive statements about someone? The Batman I know would go punch rapists until they lost their jobs. Oh wait, this is Twitter. Nevermind. Tweets like these should be expected. I can’t wait to see Superman’s page and read things like “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.”

I wish my friend’s houses were connected to mine by secret tunnels

This is as close to an actual Batman tweet as I’m ever going to get. Batman does have secret tunnels, but I doubt he’d tell everyone that he wished he had them like this. It’s an odd tactic of reverse psychology at play here. This Bruce Wayne goes to parties and announces “I wish I was a billionaire playboy who fought crime while wearing armor! I wish, right?!”

If no one has ever been offended by one of your tweets, you tweet like a LITTLE BITCH.

Batman proves himself to be a fifth-grader lusting for attention with this one. To him, Twitter is just another way to piss people off. If I go back far enough, I’ll probably read his earlier, less subtle tweets.  “RT if whores!” When Batman isn’t saving the city, he can be found riding a kid’s bicycle until the kid threatens to tell his mom.

I’m not saying you’re a hoe or a slut… But you’ve had more balls in your mouth than the “Hungry Hungry Hippos”.

I always knew that it was Batman’s secret dream to write hacky one-liners about hypothetical easy women.

Hey bitch, it’s called “sunkissed”, not “Dorito-raped”.

Raped by a dorito!!! Hahahaha! Good one, Batman. It’s called “intelligent”, not “book molested!” Or, maybe, it’s called “skinny”, not “Holocaust, BITCH.” You too can write jokes the Batman way!

It’s a JOKE. Not a DICK. Don’t take it so HARD.

I have a feeling that rationally minded people have read these Tweets and replied by saying “You’re not very funny” or “that’s harsh.” Here, Batman tries to justify himself, but it might work better if he didn’t feel the need to shove a penis metaphor in there. Once you compare your standpoint to an erect dong, the message is usually lost.

@TorreyBarnett Fuck you tryna’ say ’bout Maggie? And, I’d take lady advice from me, ’cause Catwoman sucks me on the daily.

Directly quoting a line from Detective Comics #336, Batman tells someone that he gives great relationship tips because Catwoman fellates him so often. It’s kind of similar to when I talk about physical fitness because I poop regularly. “Catwoman sucks me on the daily.” Is this some sort of code for “MY VIRGINITY IS AT STAKE HERE. FLEE, LADIES.”

Jesus? I Have That. His Blood? He Shed That. My Sins? He Cleansed That. My Life? He Saved That. My Future? He Holds That.

You truly are spiritual, Batman. This tweet looks great next to the one about women sleeping in their kitchens because they’d like to eat in the morning.

PICTURE OF JUSTIN BIEBER PHOTOSHOPPED INTO SUCKING A BLACK MAN’S GENITALS

I think this is where the whole “Not affiliated with DC Comics” thing comes in. I won’t post it, but it was apparently uploaded so that people could repost it and piss off Beliebers. How bored is Bruce Wayne? Alfred’s only job is emailing him cute cat pictures while Bruce laughs about how pathetic Craigslist missed encounters are.

You, Me. Forever, Please?

Good God, Batman. You think foreplay is insulting a girl until she follows your Tumblr.

Call me. Fuck this “maybe” shit.

Oh, Batman. I was so right.

*These were all tweeted, along with many more, in the span of five hours.

Well, Robin. It seems we’ve found an idiot.

-Daniel

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