8 Ridiculous Responses To The Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson “Break Up”

Does Kristen Stewart dislodge her jaw in order to swallow larger rodents? Are her wings bat-like or more like those of a wasp? Does her shriek cause earthquakes?

All of these theories have been tested but very little actual documentation exists. And if nothing to prove these exists, why are we so damn fascinated by her?

This is Rupert Sanders. He makes you mad by just looking at him.

This is the primary question one must ask when looking into the recent Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart split. Apparently, Kristen was caught with her Snow White And The Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders, a man who looks like Matthew Lillard (Shaggy from the Scooby Doo movies, Scream) crossed with a step father you hate. It’s already been determined that, against the will of every deity on the planet, people actually are interested in Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart being a couple. But what if they break up? What then, weirdos? We’re about to find out.

Kristen Stewart

How awesome would it be if Kristen Stewart walked out tomorrow saying she’s engaged? <3

It’s quite a leap of logic to think that magazines would conspire together to publish stories about Kristen Stewart cheating, only for her to announce the next day that she’s engaged. That would be a hell of a twist, one that I doubt would go very well.

If someone that I actually knew cheated on someone else that I actually knew, and then announced that they were engaged the next day, I would call that second person a pussy and flee from the wizard that forced the other into thinking they were still in love. I hate to sound like someone who knows what a healthy relationship is like, but staying with someone who cheats on you is like reprimanding your testicles for existing. You might as well change your name to whatever your partner’s cat’s name is because you’re about on the same level.

Kayla 

Kristen Stewart is worth 34.5 million. That will probably plummet cause of this scandal.

I’m not that great at math, but I’m going to call bullshit on this one. I severely doubt that her 34.5 million dollar worth will drop because Kristen was unfaithful. People who go to see Kristen Stewart films are obviously mentally incapable of making the right decision, so they’ll probably continue to see her movies regardless of whether she returns to the frigid sheets of Robert Pattinson’s bed or not. I also wouldn’t dignify this by calling it a scandal. It deserves a better acronym: N.O.S.C.B.U.W.W.G.N or No One Should Care But Us Weekly Who’ll Go Nuts.

Goku 

Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson? Not even the Dragon Balls can repair that kind of relationship damage

Not only could someone not resist being unfunny for one day, but they couldn’t resist being the worst kind of referential nerd either. I’ve talked about Twitters for fictional characters before, but this gets on my nerves in a special way, because it’s so ridiculously lame. They took something from their character’s mythos and then, in a way that’s inspired in the same way that a tumor is a sign of recovery, they applied it to the nearest news story that they could find. This person is so lazy that they don’t unscrew the caps of their Snapple bottles before they piss near them. They write jokes in the same way that tortoises have sex, by ramming something together until something else may or may not happen.

The best part of love is the pure hate involved.

If this person made an account for JJ from Good Times, the tweet for this would read “Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson breaking up? That’s NOT Dyno-mite!” If they created one for Doug from Total Recall, it would go along the lines of “Kristen and Rob splitting? TAKE ME TO MARS.”

November10th

in denial because of this Kristen Stewart scandal. i still love her but my heart is shattered for Rob. :’(

This person refuses to really pick sides, and despite my stance on cheating, I totally get it. On one hand, we have Team Water For Elephants Was Good, Right? And on the other, we have Team Human Female Statue. Neither of these teams sounds very appealing, and choosing to side with one must be like picking your favorite pants leg. It’s a futile effort.

November10th is so broken by the events that have transpired that they’re in denial, a state usually reserved for when a family member dies. He even goes so far as to say that he still loves Kristen, but his “heart is shattered for Rob.” I don’t know the exact definition of over-dramatic, but I’m certain that it has something to do with this tweet. It’s a bizarre level of emotional attachment.

They even add a crying face at the end, to show how much the break up that they weren’t part of affects them. I’m not sure why anyone would add an emoticon to this, so it just comes off as sarcastic, kind of like when someone texts you something dumb and you respond with “LOL” and then the original sender secretly hates you forever, because they realize they’re uninteresting and you didn’t have to be so mean.

Robeard Hottinson ‏

Kristen Stewart loves Robert Pattinson more than ← you ↑ you → you ↓ you ↔ you ↖ you ↗ you ↘ and you ↙ will ever do. Robsten Is Unbroken.

I’m actually jealous because I have no idea how to create little arrows in my tweets. This person took that skill and used it in every way they could. I had no idea that Kristen Stewart loved Robert Pattinson more than me. I had no idea that I even loved him a little bit, but I guess I did. Thank God Robeard Hottinson was here to set me straight. I can finally take the picture of a shirtless werewolf off my punching bag.

Celebrity couples often have weird nicknames given to them by people who carry more tear drops in their handbag than make up. However, “Robsten” fails on even an aesthetic level, because it sounds like less of a couple that you’d be creepily obsessed with and more like one of the dwarves that came to The Shire in need of a burglar.

HauntedTwilight ‏

I fully support Kristen and I know the story is fake. This is a tragedy. Not only for her reputation but for our fandom. I will defend her

This person becomes a martyr for insanity and drives her bomb-filled car directly into the building holding rational thoughts to spread her message of fucking nuts. “I will defend her.” You go, girl. Usually the term “tragedy” is used when an actual tragedy happens, but Haunted Twilight has decided that the truth is out there, and needs to reveal it for the sake of Kristen Stewart’s reputation.

Kristen Stewart has the reputation of a fat pale ghost playing tricks on a homeless person. It’s not the best. Saving her reputation would mean remaking every film she’s ever been in and recasting her with someone else, only after you’d gone back in time and dropped her infant form into a portal to another dimension. Haunted Twilight stands up for the fandom too, another thing with a reputation that’s been destroyed by the inadequacy of itself. I’m sure the Twilight fandom appreciates Haunted’s efforts and will celebrate it by buying her a Breaking Dawn Part 2 t-shirt that will sing her to sleep.

C. ‏

I love Robert Thomas Pattinson & Kristen Jaymes Stewart, together and separately. I’m not a fake fan like these pictures of her and Rupert.

This person is so upset that they forget the subject of their own sentence. I understand what she means though. It’s like staying friends with your best friends ex. And by the way that C. uses the full names, I wouldn’t doubt that she imagines the couple are her best friends. More tea, Kristen? Oh, no thank you. How lovely of you to join us, Robert. A kiss? In front of her? Oh, if you insist….RELEASE ME FROM MY MIND.

leah urbanskeeeet ‏

I just want one day with Robert Pattinson, I think I deserve it since#KristenCheats .

There’s a difference between asking for “one day” and asking a celebrity to marry you. The latter is something that people do all the time when they’re making jokes or preparing for a restraining order. Most of the time they don’t really mean it.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine.

The former is something serious. All leah wants is one day with Robert, probably to change his depressed mind and his views on women. She then states that she deserves it since Kristen cheats, an action that she turned into a hashtag, because even jealous love is no match for Twitter self-promotion. I hope she gets her one day with Robert, since her logic is so sound. I think every woman who doesn’t cheat deserves a single day with Robert. It’s only fair. And when they find his fingernail-scarred, naked corpse propped in someone’s apartment, with lipstick all over his chest, holding a wilted flower, on the second day, the police have only destiny to blame.

-Daniel

8 thoughts on “8 Ridiculous Responses To The Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson “Break Up”

  1. Ha! Go away, Daniel. You don’t deserve to talk about this. You sound like the definition of someone who hates everything that has to do with Twilight. Move on to another topic, geez– for how long do people get enjoyment out of hating Twilight and making Twilight jokes? Get over yourself.

  2. Daniel you are an awesome person. Thank you for the, you know, the sanity of your post.
    Angela, People are going to hate Twilight because it’s shit. Because it led to stuff like 50 shades of grey. Because it shouldn’t deserve to be compared to HP or LOTR or ASOS or whatever. Because it made people all over the world going insane for two people they never met.

  3. Hilarious! You are spot on. Shamefully I am a 48 year old single parent of a 13 year old tween.who stopped liking Rob&Kristen last year. She’s into Pretty Little Liars now, Yet ,here I am shattered – it reminds me of when Sonny & Cher divorced when I was a little girl. Jeez wouldn’t a shrink have a field day with me! Thanks for making me laugh and for reminding me I do have a dramatic flair.

  4. This is terribly hilarious. Goku made me chuckle the most, although I’m pretty sure the internet is 99% made up of the worst kind of referential nerds. That, and porn.

  5. Freedom of speech; hate it or love it, it’s still there so for you Twilight fans offended by this, get over yourselves because the guy is entitled to his own opinion xD
    But anyway, I thank you Daniel for your interesting and funny post. I think I read this about three times because I couldn’t stop laughing; although I did have fun reading the hate replies you got by offended Twilight fans so it took me a while to catch my breath. I’m not a Twilight fan; I think the so called vampires of Twilight are pixies that sparkle in sunlight and I can go and bash the series but that would be far from the point.

  6. Meh… couldn’t care less if they stay together or not. She is a total harlot but who gives a crap! And twilight was meant for teens and young adults i find it creepy 30yr old men comment about it. so twilight haters find somthing better to do cuz it came out like 10 yrs ago already!

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