Here at ROSS, we took not knowing how to run a respectable business to a whole new level! It’s nearly the time that is nearly the holidays, and we’re putting out our catalogue early, written by our very own Daniel. No one knows a buyer’s perspective quite like the Sultan of Sales, and he’s here to give you the skinny on your potential ROSS winnings! (Our joke, not Daniel’s. Ours.)
Men’s Wear and Accessories
Scared to tell your girlfriend that you haven’t had sex yet? Let her know that your first time will be a stumbling, clumsy, painful effort with these Affliction t-shirts. The only thing you’ll be afflicted by is loneliness.
Wallets In A Bin
Random wallets in a bin. Steal some. We probably won’t notice.
Use your imagination! One man’s shoe is another man’s shoe-shaped object.
Ladies’ Wear and Accessories
Hot night planned with the husband? Ease the sexual chemistry with something you’ll probably look terrible in. With a body like yours’, we could label this a “cream cheese dispensary” and get away with it!
Are those your panties or the Ark of the Covenant? Agh, his eyes! You’ll pay for every shot tonight with this sequined battle armor.
Stupid Belt w/Normal Pants
Pair those average pants with this stupid leopard print belt. It’s not like you have a choice. Fate knocks at your door with ominous inevitability. Better go answer it!
You thought your second marriage would be different, didn’t you? Your friend who works at Pizza Hut says it looks “exotic” but only you know where “Rockstar” by Nickleback ends and “exotic” begins. There are no Prince Charmings! You’ll settle for someone, someday!
Handheld Vanity Mirror
The diamond isn’t real and neither is what you see in the reflection. You’re a shell, passing aimlessly through life and waiting to expire. Trust me, you look hideous this morning. Sorry for the mixed signals, but we can be friends, right?
Mess of Dresses
Clumped together. Oddly colored. Easy to tear. When’s the last time someone kissed you good night?
We’d LOVE to call this a handbag, but we’re not even sure what it is. Red and terrible. Probably filled with dead things.
Trick men into thinking you’re frigid. It will work! Shhh, your secret is safe with us. Somewhere, you hear a person laughing. It might be at you.
“What can I do with only one shoe?” you might ask. There’s no answer to that question. Here at ROSS, we save the customers from themselves.
Slutty Shirt Thing
Need something that screams “I do oral on the first date”? Buy this silvery concept of a shirt. When your date asks “What smells?” it won’t be your fashion sense, just your crotch!
Home and Kitchen
Marilyn Monroe Quote Glasses
Need a quick Facebook status? This collection is good for up to four of them! Empower yourself while you drink your orange juice and shoo your cat off the table. Think about this: your ex-boyfriend doesn’t even remember that cat’s name. Think about it!
Balanced Diet Sign
Saving up donations for a power scooter? Put this sign above the tip jar, you walking ham sandwich.
Time for afternoon drinks with the girls! This way to a delicious cocktail of tequila, lime juice and regret. Only by getting drunk will you deafen the sounds of your thunderously ticking biological clock. You have no chance of a legacy.
You mean it’s just like any other broom holder, but with more breakable parts? Fuck you, Magic Holder!
Can something be both cheap and expensive? You can’t save your dreams but you can certainly save your dimes!
Bob Marley Poster
Let your roommates know that not only are you a shitty decorator, but you smoke SO MUCH WEED too. Comes with clunky frame that assures imminent destruction.
Maybe these are paperweights. Maybe these are simple table pieces. Regardless, you’ll buy them, because there’s nothing cuter than an animal that’s had its legs removed, and then crudely and metallically put back on. The forest whispers only pain.
Random Spices and Sauces
Terribly arranged in no particular order, these sauces and spices may not even be edible anymore. Buy them all! No matter how many of them you pour on your pancakes, they’ll still taste like dull pancakes.
Why go gallery hopping when you can buy your cheap, derivative paintings at ROSS? It saves you time AND class.
Obtuse Guitar Pillow
Regular pillows are for people who shop at Macy’s. Why wouldn’t you just buy one of them? (insert electric guitar solo) That’s why! RAD.
Regular washcloths would work just as well, but you’re a football fan who needs football things and there’s no better way to display your sports passion than by scrubbing your ass with the logo of your favorite team.
Looking for something to blame your child’s behavioral issues on? Look no further! These haven’t been tested and probably don’t work. A perfect target for bullies. Why does your kid’s head smell so much like a toilet?
Iron Man/Spider-Man Car
Almost assured to cause injuries, you might as well tie a bomb to your child and tell them to practice somersaults. With two characters, both from the hit film, The Avenging Spider-Man, your child will light up with joy as he’s put in control of his own demise. Also, look at Iron Man’s eyes. There’s nothing there! Eerie!
M.A.R.S. Ultimate Dragonforce Figure
When your child asks what M.A.R.S. stands for and why this vague operation needs an ultimate dragon force, you won’t have an answer. We couldn’t make a toy line that is more dull than the M.A.R.S. Ultimate Dragonforce line! By the way, coming in November, SOLDIER ATTACK UNIT and MUTANT BATTLE FIGHTS.
Avengers Walkie Talkies
You’re not even trying, are you, parents? Holy shit.
Stories For Girls
Having trouble deciphering whether or not you’re buying a story book for a tough, masculine boy, or a glittery unicorn puss? ROSS makes it easy. These are stories for girls and only girls. It’s full of your daughter’s favorite classics like “Useless Female Gets Rescued” and “Rainbow: The Fish Who Wasn’t A Guy.”
Sports and Entertainment
Playing tennis against fake people or awkwardly shooting at unresponsive zombies doing a number on your tiny, delicate hands? These Wiimotes are 35% smaller. Is that an accurate percentage? Why would you even ask a thing like that? Just know that with the new purple coloring, you’ll have your conservative parents prying into every aspect of what orifices you like to invade!
Notebook Laptop Holder
(Not a real notebook)
Even Lamer Laptop Holder
It says “ETERNAL LOVE” which is completely untrue. If you’re buying this laptop holder, every love you’ll ever have will be momentary and heartbreaking. Post “single mother” and keep refreshing that OkCupid tab. I’m sure someone will bite.
Open Boxed Tabletop Hockey
A person just came into the store, opened the box and left. Is tabletop hockey still inside? Maybe.
Open Push-up Stands Box
This was open too, and completely jumbled. It’s such a great set that you cant resist just ripping it apart in the store and probably not testing it out. People are clamoring to tear into our Push Up Stands. That’s got to count for something.
Empty Football Box
There’s no football in here, but when you buy this box, you’ll be the one who looks like they lost it. Dummy.
Empty ShakeWeight Box
Nothing in this one either. ROSS’ idea of security is setting up an electronics stand and putting racks and racks of ugly dresses between it and the door. You’ll be so into our hideous clothes, you won’t even bother to take the ShakeWeight packaging!
Silver City on DVD
The 2004 classic is finally on DVD and finally can be bought at ROSS. It’s movie night! Who’s bringing the cool? You are!
Blondie Live DVD
Live concert or a band’s autopsy video? You decide. Regardless of genre, you’ll be entertained by this for at least ten minutes, we swear.
10 Game Set
Full of games that no one cares about, give this to an old friend or a distant relative at Christmas. A perfect gift for people you might never see again.
Trying to impress that hot, young secretary? This floating pen will have her dramatically sweeping the papers off your desk and fulfilling your every fantasy. Or, you’ll have a pen that stands upright. Were you born in a cave? The floating pen isn’t interesting at all.
This was just lying in an aisle! Don’t open it though, unless you’re prepared for MAXIMUM HUG!
Thing Just Lying There
Child’s hat? Semen depository? At all of our various ROSS locations, it could be both!