Jason Derulo’s music over the past year has taken us through the gamut of what it’s like to be in love, from the initial, platonic flirting, to the fun trips with women who can’t speak English, to the world’s supply of butts. His output is the When Harry Met Sally of our generation, and he paints a picture of romance that is jaggedly intimate. It will stab a pike through your heart and hoist you screaming through the streets.
In a time when we’re so focused on ourselves and our ambitions, Jason Derulo’s music can help us, if only for four minutes, remember what it’s like to be in love. This is no more evident than with his latest single “Trumpets,” which is so in love that, at times, I can’t even comprehend it.
Love Doesn’t Have To Be Fun
Jason Derulo frames himself as an extremely intense man. I assumed that, when a girlfriend is taking a shower or changing into a different pair of pants, that I could relax a bit and not be writing songs in my head about all the wonderful things going on with her flesh, but Jason has proven me wrong. Every time that a girl gets undressed, Jason’s head goes into Mozart mode. It’s like an orchestra made entirely out of boners in his skull.
That’s a painful amount of devotion that I didn’t know was required of me before. He says that he “wrote this song just looking at you,” and, considering the complexity of the lyrics, it’s logical that he composed it while focused on something else entirely, but it also means that Jason’s girlfriend can’t go to the bathroom without Jason trying to figure out where the percussion section plays into the whole thing. Love isn’t relaxed or calm. It’s Jason Derulo needing his girlfriend to find a different outfit or he won’t be able to properly do his job. If she stays in sweatpants for a few days, they’ll starve.
I’m different from all of those long-term relationships in the past with all of those guys who meant well. I’m with you now, so that obviously means that I’m different from all of them. Obviously.
I’d never treat you the way that those assholes did. God, when I think about Tyler, your high school boyfriend, who you had to break up with due to long distance, it just makes me so angry. I’ll never approach you the way that Tyler did. I just want to let you know that you’re perfect, and that what we’ve created over the last 5 weeks is special.
For years, the internet has offered me cheap ways to fix all forms of erectile dysfunction. And, for about the same amount of years, I’ve ignored those cries for acceptance. However, I feel like it’s time to give some of these unspoken heroes their due, while accusing the worst ones of being pharmaceutical atrocities. Can you rank how bad someone is at being a Viagra robot? For the sake of this list, yes, you totally can. Calida X
I don’t think I can trust anyone whose last name is X, especially when they’re selling me things that are meant to transform my body in miraculous ways. Being named “Calida X” just tells potential customers that someone named Calida once created an android version of herself that went rogue. DR. MAXMAN 09
The elder of the Maxman brothers, DR. MAXMAN 09 likes his erections like he likes his letters: in all caps. He promises both “growth” and “girth,” which, technically, are the same thing, but I do give him points for being assertive. If I was forced to choose one of these doctors to tell my problems to, I’d probably choose DR. MAXMAN 09, since he seems to the most likely to end the appointment with a party and shots, which is exactly what I’ll need in those dark times.
There’s nothing like being in the front of a long line and knowing that the cute coffee shop barista wants you as badly as you want her. And there’s nothing that everyone in that long line loves seeing more than the extended flirting and burgeoning romance between a girl doing her job, and a guy who is both witty and alluring.
Here are five great pick-up lines that will get your local barista hooked and begging for more!
Start it off simple. “Hey,” is a great way to let someone know “I’m a person, and not a dog or an alien. I know how this human interaction shit is supposed to go.”
Can I get a (insert order here)
Slow down with the marriage proposal, fella! You don’t want to come on too strong in the opening stages! Remember why you came to this coffee shop in the first place: to order the caffeine necessary to fuel the remaining, numbing hours of the day. Telling her your order let’s her know that you’re a man who knows what he wants. Confidence is everything.
(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)
Many fantastical things don’t actually exist in real life. Bigfoots, Mechagodzillas and Hulk Hogans are the first things that come to mind when I think of demigods that rule, but aren’t biologically feasible.
However, despite scientific evidence that proves otherwise, geeky girls are alive and thriving in the real world. Now, before you pass out due to all the blood that just rushed to your erections, read up on how you can nab one of these medical anomalies. I understand that the steps should be as easy as a game of Pokemon Snap: Just toss apples until you can distract her long enough to thrust a wedding ring onto her hand. But it’s a bit more complicated than that.
Look For Friends First.
I really enjoy sitting and reading comics, to an abnormal extent. And if I could telepathically project any loneliness I have out into the world to ping off of a willing lady like some hot girl Cerebro, I would be lauded as both a genius and a pioneer. I don’t have that power, though, and I regret it every day. Every. Day.
There is nothing worse than having your partner cheat on you. But with these ten tips, you can escape with only enduring two weeks’ worth of shame and regret, instead of the usual six months.
1. Weird things show up on their credit card bills. Why would they go to Olive Garden if they weren’t making out with someone all over the endless soup and salad? Check the seat of their pants for endless soup and salad. You’ll find your answer there.
2. They become very moody. Give them coffee. They’ll realize the error of their ways and have a happier morning. Mondays, am I right?!?
3. They don’t want to touch you as much anymore. You try to give them a hug and they hiss at you and speak in tongues. You try to give them a peck on the lips and their faces melt away, revealing nothing but the grinning visage of death. If you meet the grinning visage of death, there’s a chance your significant other is fooling around behind your back.
4. They begin to leave the room when they take calls. You walk into the room after them and there is no one on the phone. There isn’t even a phone in their hands. Your partner stares back at you, almost through you. Your mother’s instincts were correct.
5. You try to look them in the eyes, and they look away, and then, when you look again, you see that their pupils are getting all narrow, like in a science fiction movie, where a person’s genes get spliced with an animals, except this time, their genes have been spliced with that of their asshole boss Nick.
I find myself at Barnes & Noble more often than I don’t. In the case of this story, I was there to buy a copy of the William Friedkin’s film Sorcerer, because Best Buy surely wouldn’t have it. Best Buy hasn’t stocked anything that’s even the slightest bit obscure in the last five years, but do you need twelve copies of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone? Or how about a Lethal Weapon 2/Under Siege Blu Ray combo pack? If you want any of that, Best Buy has you covered. Ask for anything that might contain subtitles though, and the employees will shriek, turn into bats, and fly away.
I like to watch people at Barnes & Noble, because, as soon as someone enters that store, their shell of pride just crumbles down. People are so vain and self-aware throughout their entire day, and then they get to a Barnes & Noble and suddenly they’re lying on their back in an aisle, reading Batman: Earth One and shutting out the tiny sounds of anyone excusing themselves to walk past them. People will slump over at the coffee shop area and dump everything that they’re carrying with them out on the table, plug in their computers and phones into any available outlet, and nearly start taking naps. It’s like a hotel for people who are exhausted of the parking lot they just walked from.
Books have a really calming effect on people. Books aren’t requesting that you dance or that you even pay attention hardly. A book will just sit there, unassuming. The book is the shy introvert at the party of mediums, and you’ll probably find them sitting and petting a house cat at the far end of the couch, instead of trying to worm their way into any conversations. “You want to pick me up and read me, or do you just want to chill? It’s cool either way, really. I’m a book. You’re not gonna miss any plot details if you leave me unread for a few more minutes.”