Category Archives: Dating Tips

5 Ways To Find A Geeky Girlfriend

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

Many fantastical things don’t actually exist in real life. Bigfoots, Mechagodzillas and Hulk Hogans are the first things that come to mind when I think of demigods that rule, but aren’t biologically feasible.

However, despite scientific evidence that proves otherwise, geeky girls are alive and thriving in the real world. Now, before you pass out due to all the blood that just rushed to your erections, read up on how you can nab one of these medical anomalies. I understand that the steps should be as easy as a game of Pokemon Snap: Just toss apples until you can distract her long enough to thrust a wedding ring onto her hand. But it’s a bit more complicated than that.

Look For Friends First.

I really enjoy sitting and reading comics, to an abnormal extent. And if I could telepathically project any loneliness I have out into the world to ping off of a willing lady like some hot girl Cerebro, I would be lauded as both a genius and a pioneer. I don’t have that power, though, and I regret it every day. Every. Day.

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10 Ways To Tell If Your Partner Is Cheating On You

cheating

There is nothing worse than having your partner cheat on you. But with these ten tips, you can escape with only enduring two weeks’ worth of shame and regret, instead of the usual six months.

1. Weird things show up on their credit card bills. Why would they go to Olive Garden if they weren’t making out with someone all over the endless soup and salad? Check the seat of their pants for endless soup and salad. You’ll find your answer there.

2. They become very moody. Give them coffee. They’ll realize the error of their ways and have a happier morning. Mondays, am I right?!?

3. They don’t want to touch you as much anymore. You try to give them a hug and they hiss at you and speak in tongues. You try to give them a peck on the lips and their faces melt away, revealing nothing but the grinning visage of death. If you meet the grinning visage of death, there’s a chance your significant other is fooling around behind your back.

4. They begin to leave the room when they take calls. You walk into the room after them and there is no one on the phone. There isn’t even a phone in their hands. Your partner stares back at you, almost through you. Your mother’s instincts were correct.

5. You try to look them in the eyes, and they look away, and then, when you look again, you see that their pupils are getting all narrow, like in a science fiction movie, where a person’s genes get spliced with an animals, except this time, their genes have been spliced with that of their asshole boss Nick.

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Daniel Is Not The “Him” You’re Looking For

I find myself at Barnes & Noble more often than I don’t. In the case of this story, I was there to buy a copy of the William Friedkin’s film Sorcerer, because Best Buy surely wouldn’t have it. Best Buy hasn’t stocked anything that’s even the slightest bit obscure in the last five years, but do you need twelve copies of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone? Or how about a Lethal Weapon 2/Under Siege Blu Ray combo pack? If you want any of that, Best Buy has you covered. Ask for anything that might contain subtitles though, and the employees will shriek, turn into bats, and fly away.

I like to watch people at Barnes & Noble, because, as soon as someone enters that store, their shell of pride just crumbles down. People are so vain and self-aware throughout their entire day, and then they get to a Barnes & Noble and suddenly they’re lying on their back in an aisle, reading Batman: Earth One and shutting out the tiny sounds of anyone excusing themselves to walk past them. People will slump over at the coffee shop area and dump everything that they’re carrying with them out on the table, plug in their computers and phones into any available outlet, and nearly start taking naps. It’s like a hotel for people who are exhausted of the parking lot they just walked from.

Books have a really calming effect on people. Books aren’t requesting that you dance or that you even pay attention hardly. A book will just sit there, unassuming. The book is the shy introvert at the party of mediums, and you’ll probably find them sitting and petting a house cat at the far end of the couch, instead of trying to worm their way into any conversations. “You want to pick me up and read me, or do you just want to chill? It’s cool either way, really. I’m a book. You’re not gonna miss any plot details if you leave me unread for a few more minutes.”

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This Isn’t Your Grandpa’s Way Of Eating Ice Cream!

I’ve spent the last three years trying to convince my girlfriend that I’m cool. So far, no dice.

I haven’t even been dating her for three years, but that hash’t stopped me from turning every day into a desperate attempt at posturing and witty dialoguing in the hopes that, with her dying breath, she’ll whisper to me “Daniel…all this time…you were so, so rad…,” after which, I’ll shed a single tear, and then do a kick flip over her hospital bed, while “Blitzkrieg Bop” plays in the background. I don’t know how to skateboard outside of the opening step of looking at one, but I imagine that, when I finally hit cool, I’ll just suddenly understand how, like people who get brain injuries and suddenly know how to play piano or can remember their past lives.

I took her to a Chinese restaurant a few nights ago, one located in a parking lot that seems to have been the subject of a small scale nuclear attack, with all the radiated victims surviving long enough to open up a Dress Barn across the street. Chinese restaurants are great places to take girlfriends that you know you’re going to go the distance with, because asking her to participate in a buffet of cheap, vaguely Asian cuisine is practically an invitation for her to come, hand in hand with you, as you both walk into diabetes.

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A Cosmo Interview With Fourteen-Year-Old Daniel

Freshly graduated from eighth grade and making all the right(?) choices, Daniel Dockery is Hollywood’s Stephen King’s ‘It’ boy right now. We decided to probe his brain to gain some insight into his choices of fashion, his sexiest tips, and his advice for those seeking similar success.

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Cosmo: So, what is that you’re wearing right now?

Daniel: Oh, this shirt? Haha, (head immediately tilts forward. He maintained eye contact with the floor for the remainder of the interview.) Haha. It says “THIS IS WHAT AWESOME LOOKS LIKE,” you know, for the readers at home, since they’re at home and can’t see it. Haha. Um.

Cosmo: It seems to reflect your random personality.

Daniel: My what? My random personality? Haha, did you say that? I mean, it’s cool. What?

Cosmo: You’ve said that you take a lot of pride in just how randomly funny you are.

Daniel: Oh yeah! (Spills Mountain Dew: Code Red all over himself.) I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Cosmo: At least it didn’t get into your finely spiked, blond tips.

Daniel: Is it still spiked? Unless I put a lot in it, it kind of just poofs out by the end of second period.

Cosmo: It’s still spiked. You don’t have to keep trying to straighten it.

Daniel: Hey, hey. I’m just trying to keep being what awesome looks like! You know, from earlier. (Spills his Mountain Dew: Code Red again.) Oh, dang it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

At this point in the interview, we allowed Daniel to change shirts. He didn’t bring another one, so he just put on an over-sized Hawaiian button down. He spends the rest of the interview buttoning and unbuttoning the second button from the top.

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25 Tips For Having An Impossibly Good Sex Life

Do you own a bedroom?

If you answered yes, you’re one of fifty-two million Americans not having sex in it right now. Maybe it’s because the passion has left the relationship, or maybe it’s because you’re simply too tired, but you can’t let excuses get in the way of an impossibly good sex life.

1. You and your partner start at opposite ends of a hallway. Run towards each other as fast as you can, genitals pointing forward, and collide. Repeat until you achieve insertion.

2. Ask your partner what their favorite type of fruit is. The next night, place a basket near the bed. You won’t get laid that night, but it’s a sweet gesture nonetheless.

Bananas, right?!? Eh? Eh?
Bananas, right?!? Eh? Eh?

3. Role play as your favorite movie characters. For example, if you’re a woman, pretend to be the beautiful and clever Princess Leia, while your husband acts out the role of feared, intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett. But aghhh, Boba Fett was killed in the Sarlacc Pit! Not if we count the Expanded Universe, sweetheart! The Expanded Universe isn’t truly part of Star Wars canon! Whatever, I’m not in the mood anymore.

4. Fill a can of cashews with a spring and dozens of condoms. When they open the can, surprise! They’ll have a face full of their own insecurities. Talk to a doctor.

5. Get the police involved.

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