Category Archives: #no

Hashtag Life

“I don’t think this hashtag is gonna catch on,” Charles said. He drooped his head low. “I think this campaign might be ruined.”

Richard, who was six months Charles’ senior, watched him from across the four person table in the NUCLEUS Marketing Group’s meeting room. He felt bad for the boy, but his two-and-a-half years of experience in the marketing world made him aware that sometimes, these things took time. “Just give it a bit, bud,” he said, standing up and wondering if Jimmy John’s was still open. “I’m sure, by tomorrow, we’ll have something trending.”

“I don’t know.” Charles raised his head to look at Richard. “Hashtag wearedesign? It just doesn’t sound like something that would get people’s attention. I still feel like ‘hashtag designit’ would be better. COSMIC Graphics and Design was really relying on us to come up with something that would increase their page ranks, and I just feel like…” Charles sighed heavily. “I just feel like we failed them.”

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#no Batman’s Twitter

*The Twitter account that this article poked fun at has apparently been suspended. Try to imagine the worst thing ever when you read it and you should be fine.

A lot of fictional characters have been given Twitter accounts. Voldemort decided that, post mortem, killing students at Hogwartz couldn’t compare to the thrill of participating in Twitter trends. Darth Vader can’t tweet without constantly referencing back to movies you’re tired of hearing about. We even got a fake Will Ferrell, who isn’t very funny at all. But he knows a great deal about how much it sucks to be single and how we should go for our dreams, so, I guess it balances out for those of us with caveman brains.

Batman, a very popular billionaire man child, has a few as well, and none of them fail as hard as this one. There are a few metaphors that could describe how much this Twitter account sucks, but I find that, when you fail on this level, you become a metaphor yourself. Hell, you might even become a….symbol. A legend, Mr. Wayne.

Being respected for the real you, has a much greater value than being liked for the fake you.

Thanks already, Batman. I could twist this into Batman talking about his own dilemma of dealing with both his Bruce Wayne and Bat Wayne personas, but getting that deep with this Twitter account is like reading “See Spot Run” and trying to find all the Freudian slips.

Fat City B*tch. Fat Fat City B*tch. Ten Ten Doughnuts, and a Twinkie B*tch. VIP Micky D’s, No Guest List. #RappersAsFood

I didn’t know that fake Batman listened to the same music as me, but he even showed us what he sings to himself when he’s alone in the Batmobile. It’s obvious that someone just took the name @LifeAsBatman and used it to attract followers, tweeting the same things that they would’ve done with a less marketable name, but this breaks my suspension of disbelief in ways that I can’t even count. It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around Batman deciding to hold off crime fighting in order to make lame parody jokes about fat people, but then again, this could be the direction that they take Batman in the next inevitable series, which I’m totally down for. What’s next? “Call Me Maybe” memes? The possibilities are a stupid amount of endless.

You get ‘em, Batman.

Listen bitch, if you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the damn kitchen.

It gets real, as Batman puts women in their place. Courteous showcases of romance? Not today, bitches of the world! Batman doesn’t fool around with your neediness. He’s got lyrics to satirize and advice to spit up. If Batman was making fresh squeezed orange juice, who would save Gotham? No one. If you want the door open for you, you better hope it’s an electronic sliding one, you stupid gashes! Am I doing it right, Batman?

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#no Blake Shelton’s Twitter

Look at that skin. That's either due to editing or someone has come back kill Sarah Connor.

When celebrities respond to fans, it’s always interesting. Sometimes they handle it with poise and dignity, and sometimes they act irrationally. And sometimes, they’re Blake Shelton. And that means they’ll act like a fucking idiot.

Through the ten seconds of research that I performed, I discovered that Blake Shelton is a thirty-five year-old country music artist. Now, anyone can act stupid. But keep in mind that this man is thirty-five. At some point in your life, unless you’re paid to do it, insulting strangers loses its edge and you start to realize that, maybe, there are better things out there then trying to belittle a person who spoke harshly of you on the internet. Blake Shelton skipped that point entirely, and stands up to all those lame-asses who think that self-respect and “calming down” is the responsible way to handle things.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard any of Blake Shelton’s music and recognized it as him. If you’re in the same boat, here’s a sample of one of his songs to get you acquainted with him.

I feel sick right now… Shit!!!!!!

You’re a grown man, Blake. There’s no need for six exclamation points. “Shit, I feel sick,” would’ve worked just as well. The best part about this is that I read this tweet fifteen minutes ago and there are already more than fifty retweets. Is Blake performing some sort of super comedy that my brain is too un-evolved to handle? Or are there people out there who see that Blake feels sick and think that it’s interesting AND that they should tell all their friends about it?

If you don’t support #TeamBlake you can probably describe in detail what your grandpa looks like naked…..

Wait, are you telling haters that, if they don’t like you, they can go imagine what their grandpa looks like naked as a result? Or is this some weird accusation of a gay, incestual relationship between us and our grandfathers? In either case, it’s not that effective of an insult, especially considering that, if it’s the latter, how absurd that leap of logic is. The Rock doesn’t tell people “You know what your cat’s orgasm sounds like? If you’re not part of #teambringit you probably do!” Also, nice use of ellipses here, making it seem as if you slid back from your computer and exclaimed “Think of a comeback to that, internet!”

Continue reading #no Blake Shelton’s Twitter

#no #MixedRaceProblems

Examples:

Pocahontas † : #MixedRaceProblems having to explain what you’re mixed with, over and over again .

Oscar  : #MixedRaceProblems choosing an ethnicity/race on papers.

Trunks Briefs : Mom wants me to build spaceships. Dad wants me to use them to conquer faraway galaxies in the name of the Saiyan empire.#MixedRaceProblems

Na’im Lynn : #MixedRaceProblems getting the wrong parts of each race. black and mexican woman and u got the black hair and the mexican body.

AinsleyDunlop : #MixedRaceProblems making the most beautifulest babies ever. That you just want to take home and keep them small forever and ever </3

Sara Mulatto : Black ppl look at my hair n say I must got white in me, white ppl look at my hair n say I must got black in me lol #MixedRaceProblems

Assumptions:

I’ve made references before to the fact that I hate the phrase “you’re so white.” Sadly, it applies to me in most cases. I can count the number of black friends that I have on my left hand, and I lost most of my left hand’s fingers in a high school woodshop accident. (Don’t worry, ladies. I’m still a gentle lover.) If I can show you the extent of my “white-ittude,” sometimes, when I’m dancing with a girl at a club, I’ll actually sing along with the rap music playing. I don’t know if that’s a thing all Caucasians do, but I can only assume that it’s as much of a white thing as finding a “lost” country’s gold and calling the people who live there “devils.”

Look, I know it doesn't SEEM like it's our God-given right to conquer your homes, but trust us. Surprise! Smallpox!

I don’t know off the back of my hand a lot of issues that mixed races face. However, this is not an excuse for me to be racist and then have everyone simply excuse it. As much as I love when an ignorant person says “Do you guys have egg rolls at every meal? CHOP STICKS CHING CHONG,” I say that I don’t know a lot because I’m not faced with their issues. No one has ever confused me for anything other than white. Confusing me with something non-white is the second most ironic thing in the world, the first being that one time someone approached Jay-Z and said “Sup, Daniel.”

Since Twitter is mostly used as a poor camouflage for shame and sexual inaccuracies, I really didn’t know what to expect with this one. If the tag was #letstalkaboutthesexwerehaving, I could make a thousand jokes, mostly about people whose only idea of sex is when their girlfriend rolls over and says “It’s okay. We’ll try again in the morning.” But I’m not one to shy away from a Twitter trend that I can see becoming entertaining. And so I dive into this one with no biased expectations or lofty assumptions. Let’s see what we find, shall we?

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#no #PlacesIveHadSex

High five, idiots!

Examples

iRejectSlimHoes : #placesivehadsex the quarters, campus edge, campus crossings, bridgeway, beau chenes, eagle run, university house, legacy park n stokes

BellaNikki_ : some ppl klearly have no morals . #placesivehadsex**

_misskeishababy : O_o RT @xVinniValaVichi#placesivehadsex millbrook high school ;; hope my teachers dnt see this

TISA_mostDope : how many dumb people are actually going to expose themselves with ” #placesivehadsex “

BabyDoll_Turace laughn at dese ppl tweets 4 da topic #placesivehadsex lolz sum thngs need ta b kept private

bellaxotika : #placesivehadsex macy’s fitting room :-/

a_playa  : #placesivehadsex where ever Tay took me , he always blindfolded me. ._.

Assumptions

If you’ve read anything that I’ve ever written, than you know that Twitter could be labeled “legally disabled.” It’s so full of idiots that I’m amazed it hasn’t come alive and protested an abortion clinic yet.  It never fails to surprise me, and I use surprise loosely. Not a surprise as in “Wow!” but surprise as in “Well there’s no coming back from that one.” People often make a point that humanity is in a battle with itself, and Twitter has proven that when it comes down to something like humanity, we are kicking our ass.

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#no #CutItOut

Examples

ChinkyLatina : Tryna be a philosopher on twitter #CutItOut you aint even graduate highschool.

DeltaLife_MIke : Girls need to #CutItOut saying that all dudes are the same, NO HOE u need a diff selection of dudes n stop chossing the same type

KhalidAlAmeri : Once you take all that’s negative in your life and #CutItOut you only leave space for good, a key step to a life of peace & happiness. #Life

FarFromUsualO_o : Putting all your relationship problems on the internet #CutItOut

YoNipplesHairy : that 5 month old weave in your hair #CutItOut literally

iDinoAli : Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it’s complicated? Really? What did thye do, steal your gummy bears #CutItOut

Assumption

Twitter has never been quite sure how to handle its aggression, because it’s not exactly positive in knowing who else uses it. On one hand, we could consider this an active attempt to strike out against people. We could repossess the dignity lost when we were busy telling no one in particular about occupying Wall Street or how much we’ve wanted Chick fil’ A on a, and this is crazy, Sunday. However, on the other hand, this could be the same old shit that everyone is used to: statements directed at an anonymous person that they’ll never see and thus, never care about. After further study, I came across the answer.

Do you own this magic? Well go forth, young son. The world is yours.

It was the second. Once again, Twitter manages to be so angsty and irrelevant towards real life that it actually enters some fantasy realm, where problems are solved by just thinking about them and people change completely based upon how much someone types into a fucking keyboard. I’ve thought about what would happen if I entered The Evil Dead universe and how many supernatural things I’d have to beat the shit out of. However, incredulously, to this day, I still don’t have a chainsaw hand and I’ve never said “Groovy” un-ironically once. Dreams don’t come true through these methods, Twitter. They come true through hard work, and often that isn’t enough. Unless you’re a Kardashian or someone equally famous, in which case you could say “My handbag is like my vagina. I put more lipstick in it when I’m bored” and you’d be set for life.

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#no #4Wordsbeforesex

Examples:

scadam_skirata: #4Wordsbeforesex “Execute order sixty nine”

SODMG_GOD: #4Wordsbeforesex don’t catch any feelings…

JDBieberBoy: #4Wordsbeforesex wish you were justin

DearOldMe__: seems like you ready ;) #4Wordsbeforesex

Dude_itsMikey: #4Wordsbeforesex invite your sister too.

bemmiex: #4wordsbeforesex I love you babe

Assumptions:

90% of Twitter has never had sex before. If you were to ask them what “intercourse” was, they’d respond with a description of a dinosaur. I don’t over-estimate this either. You’re more likely to make fun of unfunny sex if you’ve never experienced it before, mainly because, when it does happen, you realize how valuable it is to the human condition.

The human body is 70% blood, 10% bone, 5%meat and 15% need to have sex again. (Note: All of that is made up, except the first and last part.)

The other 10% has had it either once or many, many times, and they are not the people posting in this trend. #4Wordsbeforesex is like a massive group of lemmings jumping over the cliff, except you would replace lemmings with people who legitimately put “I’m funny” and “I’m chill” in their Facebook “About Me’s.” Take, for example, Dude_itsMikey’s tweet above. ….invite your sister too.” No one in the history of sex has ever said this, to my knowledge, and those who have said it were probably killed by the massive spider that their girlfriend uncontrollably turned into upon hearing it.

I’m not demeaning people who haven’t had sex yet. We’ve all been there. It was called “Middle School.” However, now that Twitter is in place, we can’t hide it anymore. At 13, I had no outlet to tell the world “#4Wordsbeforesex Your boobs are huge :)!” But now, with Twitter, everyone knows and no one can seem to regulate their brain to stop it. Twitter was invented around the time when I invented self-control, and that was perfect. Other people were not so lucky, and this story is dedicated to their personal failures.

Based on the previous paragraphs, you can assume what I thought I’d see. A lot of bad jokes from people who imagine that real vaginas look like paper towel tubing, and that it would be hilarious to poop the bed during climax.

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