*The Twitter account that this article poked fun at has apparently been suspended. Try to imagine the worst thing ever when you read it and you should be fine.
A lot of fictional characters have been given Twitter accounts. Voldemort decided that, post mortem, killing students at Hogwartz couldn’t compare to the thrill of participating in Twitter trends. Darth Vader can’t tweet without constantly referencing back to movies you’re tired of hearing about. We even got a fake Will Ferrell, who isn’t very funny at all. But he knows a great deal about how much it sucks to be single and how we should go for our dreams, so, I guess it balances out for those of us with caveman brains.
Batman, a very popular billionaire man child, has a few as well, and none of them fail as hard as this one. There are a few metaphors that could describe how much this Twitter account sucks, but I find that, when you fail on this level, you become a metaphor yourself. Hell, you might even become a….symbol. A legend, Mr. Wayne.
Being respected for the real you, has a much greater value than being liked for the fake you.
Thanks already, Batman. I could twist this into Batman talking about his own dilemma of dealing with both his Bruce Wayne and Bat Wayne personas, but getting that deep with this Twitter account is like reading “See Spot Run” and trying to find all the Freudian slips.
Fat City B*tch. Fat Fat City B*tch. Ten Ten Doughnuts, and a Twinkie B*tch. VIP Micky D’s, No Guest List. #RappersAsFood
I didn’t know that fake Batman listened to the same music as me, but he even showed us what he sings to himself when he’s alone in the Batmobile. It’s obvious that someone just took the name @LifeAsBatman and used it to attract followers, tweeting the same things that they would’ve done with a less marketable name, but this breaks my suspension of disbelief in ways that I can’t even count. It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around Batman deciding to hold off crime fighting in order to make lame parody jokes about fat people, but then again, this could be the direction that they take Batman in the next inevitable series, which I’m totally down for. What’s next? “Call Me Maybe” memes? The possibilities are a stupid amount of endless.
Listen bitch, if you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the damn kitchen.
It gets real, as Batman puts women in their place. Courteous showcases of romance? Not today, bitches of the world! Batman doesn’t fool around with your neediness. He’s got lyrics to satirize and advice to spit up. If Batman was making fresh squeezed orange juice, who would save Gotham? No one. If you want the door open for you, you better hope it’s an electronic sliding one, you stupid gashes! Am I doing it right, Batman?