Tag Archives: comedy

Chili’s Is A Lonely Place To Die

Restaurants take great care when trying to establish a certain atmosphere. For instance, Taco Bell’s look is meant to inspire a feeling of “It’s 2 AM, and your relationship won’t last through college anyway.” For Ruby Tuesday, it’s “This is the finest dining this side of a store next to Game Stop.” For, Chili’s, it’s “WELCOME TO CHILI’S. ARE YOU READY FOR CHILI’S? GET READY FOR CHILI’S.”

It was the day after the day after Thanksgiving, a holiday dedicated to discovering that, one day, you will run out of Thanksgiving leftovers, and be forced out into the cold world to once again scavenge for belly gifts. My girlfriend’s parents, my girlfriend, and I had all decided, through a majority vote, to go to Chili’s for lunch. It was the first time that I’d ever been in a situation where more people wanted to go to Chili’s than didn’t. Most conversations about Chili’s end with ignoring the suggestion entirely, but the mob mentality held sway here. And a bunch of people making the hazardous decision to head to Chili’s is, by every definition of the word, a riot.

Going into any Chili’s is like going into the warehouse where the Chili’s corporation keeps their promotional items that they will later give to the restaurants. The décor is solely meant to answer the question “Where are we again?” and it provides an interesting contrast to the waiters and staff, who could not be less excited about wearing a black polo shirt with a pepper on it. They acted like showing any hint of enthusiasm would result in detonation of the Saw trap embedded in their rib cages, and when you’re being bombarded by constant reminders that, yes, you are indeed in a Chili’s, you need the kindness of others to remind you that living is worth it. Thus, the logo for Chili’s should read “Can you survive Chili’s?”, placed right above a picture of an impatient, crying child sitting next to their father, who is emphatically dipping a hot wing into ranch dressing, watching a football game, and ignoring his crumbling family.

I'm unhappy!
I’m unhappy!

Continue reading Chili’s Is A Lonely Place To Die

2 New Cracked Columns (About The South And Dating)

In the latest edition of “DANIEL FAILS TO PROMPTLY UPDATE DANIELSFUNNY.COM,” I neglected to share links to my latest columns for Cracked.com.

The first is about how I was raised. A lot of people said that their childhood wasn’t like mine, and that makes sense, because I’m not them.


The second came to me after years of devoting my well-earned life energies to watching reality dating show. Sorry, love.


For more of me, click here.

The 5 Most Terribly Awkward Rapper Cameos In History

People love rappers! And people love movies! But like bubblegum and any company that yearns to release a “bubblegum-flavored” product, sometimes two things simply refuse to go together properly. The allure of achieving fame across multiple mediums is a powerful one, but it’s also very risky. As talented as someone is at rhyming about how much they get laid in their cars (Are rappers sixteen-year-old suburban white dudes in disguise?), it doesn’t mean that they can be equally good at maintaining screen presence or even saying parts of a sentence that don’t include couplets about getting laid in their cars.

This compilation will show you that many people should’ve followed Trick Daddy’s example when he, in “Let’s Go,” yelled “And I aint that actor type, alright!”

  1. Eminem, in 50 Cent: Bulletproof


50 Cent’s ode to 50 Cent is a video game that sort of works. It can be put into a console and you can play it, like most video games, but barely any part of playing it is enjoyable. There is no wish fulfillment achieved in stepping into the shoes of 50 Cent, much less a 50 Cent who is constantly harassed by gangs, and Bulletproof might take on a “so bad, it’s good” status if the voice acting was enthusiastic. But if you wanted enthusiastic acting, you shouldn’t have gone with Eminem, who could not be less excited to be lending his voice to corrupt cop “Detective McVicar.”

The voice acting in Bulletproof would require a lot of inflection and magic to make up for the PlayStation 2 graphics that they were emanating from. Just look at the editing in this cut scene. How do you mess up “50 Cent has a threesome that’s interrupted by Eminem”? That’s was 50 Cent’s actual life for about half of a decade, and it’s cut together in a way that leaves the viewer confused as to where anyone in the room is, or what they’re doing the whole time. It’s an experimental film, disguised as a 50 Cent adventure, disguised as an experimental film directed by 50 Cent in the middle of another 50 Cent adventure.

Every character model in Bulletproof looks like it was taken from that rapper’s potential WWE action figure, and Eminem doesn’t help matters by using “All of this will be cut from the game before its release” as his motivation. You’d think that Eminem would provide the same kind of desperate energy that he gave to all of the lyrics he wrote after 2001, but Eminem says dialogue like a guy trying to leave a party, but is being stopped by too many people who want hugs.

  1. Lil Wayne, in Baller Blockin’

baller blockin

I’ve done the necessary time-travelling and I’ve asked my middle school self to list the top ten ways to title a movie featuring rappers. After much sweating from Young Daniel, I added entries two through six together, and came up with, unsurprisingly, Baller Blockin’.

Lil Wayne went from being the go-to party rapper, to a man obsessed with having his face embedded in lady ass, and wanting the earth to know about it in excruciating detail through the soothing power of music. The Lil Wayne you see in Baller Blockin’ is not so confident in his abilities. He is the high school football player forced to take a theatre class and standing uncomfortably to the side of an improv scene. Lil Wayne seemingly does a lot of waiting for the easiest point to jump in the conversation in Baller Blockin’, which would be fine if the movie had little dialogue. But as I mentioned, Baller Blockin’ is a lot like improv: half of the dialogue in it either lasts forever, or is totally irrelevant. So you wind up waiting for Lil Wayne to do anything of consequence at all but watch the other guys go on and on about nothing in particular, with only the mirage of a goal in mind.

Lil Wayne, who once spoke of seducing a female cop by doing nothing but being himself, is at his most sheepish in Baller Blockin’. His character is named “Iceberg Shorty” (In the distance, Quentin Tarantino scribbles notes furiously) and I’d feel almost like I was lying if I didn’t mention the few scenes where Lil Wayne gets to perform some stilted dialogue that don’t add to the plot whatsoever. The most prominent of these occurs early in the film, where Wayne is collecting money from a drug deal, realizes that the customer is short on cash, and then nothing happens. Lil Wayne, who you’d expect to explode into a verse about lollipops (dongs) or firemen (also dongs), lets the guy go on with his day and then seems to look for the camera afterward. It’s the only performance in this whole article that I have genuine pity for.

Continue reading The 5 Most Terribly Awkward Rapper Cameos In History

My Ex Will Be At This Party And I’ll Be Okay For At Least Half Of It

Hey, man. You know the theatre cast party right before Christmas break? Whose apartment is it gonna be at? Okay, word. Yeah, I just wanted to know so that I could show up and keep it together for 50% of it, until I inevitably break down.

Yeah, Laurie will be there. I know, I know, dude. But it’ll be okay. Yeah, dude. We were texting up until a few weeks ago, and then she said it was a “bad idea” because I might get the wrong notion about her wanting to get back together with me, but come on! It’s been two months since our three-year relationship ended. I’ve moved on. I’m a completely different person.

Continue reading My Ex Will Be At This Party And I’ll Be Okay For At Least Half Of It

I Like A Woman With A Sense Of Humor Who Isn’t Funnier Than I Am



I agree when they say that online dating is a mixed bag, but I’m glad to see that this is one of the good ones. After dinner, do you want to go get drinks somewhere? I know this place on Haywood Ave. that’s pretty great. Yeah? Awesome.

Hey, before we go, let me just say that that joke you made with the waiter about the sushi menu was pretty funny. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even if I didn’t participate in it. Well, I can’t say that. Look, I dig that you’re funny, but I’m gonna need you to tone it down a bit.

Yeah, I said it was important to find a partner with a “sense of humor” on the internet, but you didn’t think that that applied in real life, did you? What I meant to write was someone with a sense of humor that kind of only interests me. You know, like “girl funny.” Like, the kind of funny where you get drunk too fast, or say something dumb about cars. Not like “charmingly funny.” Not the kind of funny that captivates the attention of the room. Because if the room is looking at you, then who is looking at me? Do you get what I’m saying?

Continue reading I Like A Woman With A Sense Of Humor Who Isn’t Funnier Than I Am

3 Important Things That I Forgot About Because I’m A Giant Idiot

I forgot to post these three things when they were released because I’m forgetful and lack content management aptitude.




These should keep you mentally and sexually satisfied for at least an hour.


The 5 Most Badass Songs Of All Time (When You’re 13)

Are you guys ready to get…tight?

When you’re 13, your standards for badassery are pretty low, and include anyone above the ninth grade. It’s because of these standards that you end up making regrettable choices when it comes to the music that you’re interested in. Your ability to appreciate anything more subtle than 8 Mile hasn’t developed yet, so you end up stuck with a taste for all things terrible. To help you chronicle your awfulness and etch it into history, I’ve fine-tuned a list meant to match the anti-authority attitudes of anyone who is thirteen, and disgust every other possible age group.

“Immortal,” by Adema

Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance has just come out for the Nintendo Gamecube, and you’re stoked. You’ve set the blood levels up as high as they can go, and you’ve fought enough ArKade matches to earn some sweet KOINS to spend in the KRYPT, where you can unlock concept art and backstage pictures, because there is no more exciting reward for a pubescent boy than to watch a homely video game designer arrange pixels on Sub Zero. Lo and behold, you stumble upon the KRYPT KOFFIN that contains the music video for “Immortal,” which is the official theme song of the game. What happens neKst will define you for the rest of your life.

Featuring the band Adema singing on poorly rendered versions of the game’s stages, “Immortal” is a song that’s mostly about fighting. It’s so about fighting that after the lead singer weakly breathes out a screeching melody of vowels, his first actual lyrics are yelling “LET’S FIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT!” From there, it’s a montage of flames and cut scenes from the video game, all cheaply arranged to the band wailing about dealing with someone who is both “insecure” and the “leader of lost souls,” the former being a trope of pop rock music and the latter being someone of such high supernatural standings that an adjective like “insecure” probably doesn’t actually apply to them.

Time to fight, I guess.
Time to fight, I guess.

Sometimes, they’ll throw in shots of the band performing in front of an excited audience, just to prove that, somewhere, people other than you were interested in this fucking music. But the pinnacle of this entire thing comes at the end, when it looks like the band members surround the demon Scorpion as if they’re going to fight him, and Scorpion proceeds to start to slaughter them all with his ability to not be the guy who is singing “Immortal.” Out of every song on this list, this one is the most problematic, as you could probably hear the other songs randomly at some point in your life. To hear “Immortal” in the days before YouTube would mean either tracking down Adema’s Insomniac’s Dream EP, or booting up your Gamecube and going out of your way to listen to “Immortal” again. For either option, the only punishment is being stuck as you.

“One of a Kind,” by Breaking Point

“One of a Kind” is the theme of WWE wrestler Rob Van Dam, and fulfills most of the necessary requirements for being a badass song to everyone whose biggest goal is making out with other humans. It’s about sort of confronting a would-be antagonist with nothing but your own awesome attributes. In this case, you’re winningly unique. So unique that you leave fear in the back of an enemy’s mind which “makes you believe I’m one of a kind!” I don’t know how it works either, but I’ve forgotten a lot of things that I once knew and held dear in middle school.

While the chorus is about how awe-inspiring it is to be different, the verses mainly have to do with being a burgeoning serial murderer, which is standard for a song meant to legitimize a wrestler whose finishing move is the “frog splash.” They even include bits about hearing voices and the thrill of it being “killing time,” but this is all the norm when you’re dealing with rad things of this ilk. If you want to be taken seriously in the world of pre-teen angst, you have to go one step above simply conquering your fears and foes. You have to conquer innocent bystanders as well. Everyone must fall victim to your fury. Also, if you bring your cd player to class, the teacher will confiscate it. This whole thing is a careful balancing act. Continue reading The 5 Most Badass Songs Of All Time (When You’re 13)