(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)
The Tyrannosaurus Rex is probably the most famous dinosaur of all time. He’s got a cool name, a recognizable body and laughable arms. He’s the tyrant lizard, the star of Jurassic Park, and despite many, many adolescent fantasies (most of them mine), a terrible pet.
Here are ten reasons why owning a T-Rex would be no fun at all.
Clifford was a gargantuan puppy that lived in some unfortunate family’s backyard, and could kill his owners just by turning around. The Tyrannosaurus Rex was about that size, forty-feet-long and a little more than thirteen-feet-tall.
It’s about half the size of your house. That cuts out bringing it inside when it’s scared during a thunder storm, bathing it in the tub when it smells like death (more on that later) and watching it playfully scratch at the front door as it sits on the porch.
IT’S A CARNIVORE
I told you that it’s about half the size of your house. Imagine half of your house trying to kill you whenever it felt like it. And not just you. Anything. If you have something that even resembled what’s scientifically called “meat” around you, the T-Rex will try to devour it. Not out of spite or anything. Just because either A) it’s hungry or B) it can.
And if not you and everyone you love, than what? It will cost a lot to keep importing those cows to your yard, and in about a month, since you haven’t mustered the courage to go outside and face the beast that you call “pet”, your landscape will be a graveyard of skeletons and huge mistakes.
IT’S A KILLER
If you piss off a pet, you’ll have a few minutes of tail between the legs and then back to normal. Pets are dumb, and small enough that they can’t rip you in two when they’re having a bad day. A T-Rex can. If you make a T-Rex mad, the next rest of your life will be spent screaming for your wife to call for help, as you make a dash for safety. Once again, the T-Rex isn’t a mean guy. It’s just hard to reconcile your primitive emotions when your reptile brain consistently orders you to “KILL KILL KILL EAT EAT EAT PROTECT YOUNG SLEEP KILL KILL KILL.”