Tag Archives: comedy

10 Reasons Why A T-Rex Would Make A Bad Pet

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

The Tyrannosaurus Rex is probably the most famous dinosaur of all time. He’s got a cool name, a recognizable body and laughable arms. He’s the tyrant lizard, the star of Jurassic Park, and despite many, many adolescent fantasies (most of them mine), a terrible pet.

Here are ten reasons why owning a T-Rex would be no fun at all.

Sharptooth

SIZE

Clifford was a gargantuan puppy that lived in some unfortunate family’s backyard, and could kill his owners just by turning around. The Tyrannosaurus Rex was about that size, forty-feet-long and a little more than thirteen-feet-tall.

It’s about half the size of your house. That cuts out bringing it inside when it’s scared during a thunder storm, bathing it in the tub when it smells like death (more on that later) and watching it playfully scratch at the front door as it sits on the porch.

IT’S A CARNIVORE

I told you that it’s about half the size of your house. Imagine half of your house trying to kill you whenever it felt like it. And not just you. Anything. If you have something that even resembled what’s scientifically called “meat” around you, the T-Rex will try to devour it. Not out of spite or anything. Just because either A) it’s hungry or B) it can.

And if not you and everyone you love, than what? It will cost a lot to keep importing those cows to your yard, and in about a month, since you haven’t mustered the courage to go outside and face the beast that you call “pet”, your landscape will be a graveyard of skeletons and huge mistakes.

IT’S A KILLER

If you piss off a pet, you’ll have a few minutes of tail between the legs and then back to normal. Pets are dumb, and small enough that they can’t rip you in two when they’re having a bad day. A T-Rex can. If you make a T-Rex mad, the next rest of your life will be spent screaming for your wife to call for help, as you make a dash for safety. Once again, the T-Rex isn’t a mean guy. It’s just hard to reconcile your primitive emotions when your reptile brain consistently orders you to “KILL KILL KILL EAT EAT EAT PROTECT YOUNG SLEEP KILL KILL KILL.”

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The 10 Worst Kickstarter Campaigns

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

At one time, the internet was full of money. Nigerian princes used to offer me millions through email, daily, and I had never even met them. But, ever since the world collapsed, money has been harder to come by. Kickstarter operates on the basis that that collapse never happened. Want something done? The internet will surely like it enough to pay for it!

These are ten Kickstarter campaigns that wanted your money, and did everything they could not to get it.

Imagine the pride.
Imagine the pride.

The Story of Jesus and Us

David L. Wetzell isn’t the best at staying on topic. He spends the first half of his page telling you nothing about the book he is trying to write. If you asked David what his favorite color was, he’d spend your day telling a story about how he came to discover that he liked colors.  And even the line he gives you at the top “A love story with Jesus as its’ heart, based on a “riddle” in the Gospels of John and Luke.” Is just vague enough to frustrate me.

David lists his project as about four different damn things, so I’m not sure whether I’m funding a “book” or an “oral performance” or a “two-part play” or a “Kickstarter Optimization Plan.” David needs to focus less on what his book is not about and more on what medium he’s using to give us this…something?

Jasper Flare – Aspiring Young Artist’s Album

Jasper Flare promises a lot. He says that he will “revolutionize pop culture” and “stereotypes” and I’m still not sure that he knows the definitions to any of those words. If I re-read it, I could probably find Jasper’s promise for a “free bikini girl massage” somewhere in there too.

If you donate twenty dollars, Jasper promises to thank you through “any form of social media.” Thanks for the shout out, Jasper. You’ll be like “Thanks, Dan!” and I’d be like “Viva la Jasper Revolucion!”

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5 Ways To Find A Geeky Girlfriend

(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)

Many fantastical things don’t actually exist in real life. Bigfoots, Mechagodzillas and Hulk Hogans are the first things that come to mind when I think of demigods that rule, but aren’t biologically feasible.

However, despite scientific evidence that proves otherwise, geeky girls are alive and thriving in the real world. Now, before you pass out due to all the blood that just rushed to your erections, read up on how you can nab one of these medical anomalies. I understand that the steps should be as easy as a game of Pokemon Snap: Just toss apples until you can distract her long enough to thrust a wedding ring onto her hand. But it’s a bit more complicated than that.

Look For Friends First.

I really enjoy sitting and reading comics, to an abnormal extent. And if I could telepathically project any loneliness I have out into the world to ping off of a willing lady like some hot girl Cerebro, I would be lauded as both a genius and a pioneer. I don’t have that power, though, and I regret it every day. Every. Day.

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I’ve been eating some Invisible Candy

For this, and every subsequent post about the book Invisible Candy, I was going to try and write some clever title that included the words “Invisible Candy,” but it seems that I ran out of wit before I even started the first one. Expect to see “Invisible Candy Has Been Making Me Fat” and “Invisible Candy is a wrap(per).” I’m sorry for my existence.

I sent some substantial chunks of the book out to friends, writers, and a few editors that I know yesterday, and the feedback has been awesome! And “awesome” is way better than what I expected, which is a bunch of people that I know and love, telling me “Please, Daniel. Do anything but this.”

I’m glad to finally be making substantial progress on this thing. I’ve expanded it from the original concept of just being a collection of narrative non fiction, and I’ve decided to include some short stories, some essays, and even some poetry. I’m not setting myself up for a deadline just yet, but it’s getting there.

Invisible Candy cover

Take It Easy, Daniel Is Funny. I’ll See You Later

Two things:

First of all, I’d like to give a hearty “Thank you so, so much” to everyone who has read and enjoyed danielsfunny.com over the past 3 years. Writing these articles, and lists, and life stories has brought me happiness and relief like I never thought possible. For 3 years, danielsfunny.com was my resume, my portfolio, and my diary, and I’m glad that other people have had the chance to dig it too.

Second, I’m not abandoning this site entirely. It will still be used sparingly, to update everyone on current projects and such. But it won’t be the consistent source of joke delivery that it has been, at least for a while.  I have new ventures that I’d like to devote my time to. I’d really like to write a few books, for instance. I hope it all works out, and I’ll be approaching it with the same mantra that I had when I started Daniel Is Funny: “Anything goes.”

Once again, thanks for all of your support. You’ve been fantastic.

-Daniel

Facebook Must Be Stopped

Facebook is a cesspool of memes and poorly planned explosions of opinion. It must be stopped. This Facebook comment should be enough of a rallying cry for you to pick up your pitchforks and rebel.

facebook-comment

“People trying to make you jealous when really, you do NOT give a shit”

Some people don’t handle emotions very well, much less their own life choices. To many, life is a Mortal Kombat game, and they’re someone who is playing video games for the very first time. Life is just mashing buttons, hoping that their character does that fireball move again. Instead of accomplishing their ultimate goals, they just end up blocking a lot and, eventually, ducking and upper-cutting, which is the easiest way to go through existence: hoping everything around you is stupid and simple enough for it to come so close to you that you can easily capitalize on it. To create or “Like” a Facebook page like “People trying to make you jealous when really, you do NOT give a shit” means that you have entered the “ducking and upper-cutting” stage. You’re totally unprepared for any problem or potential success that will come your way, except for the things that can be solved by backing up into the corner and throwing your arms in the air whenever danger approaches.

Don’t let a name like “People trying to make you jealous when really, you do NOT give a shit” fool you. It takes a lot of giving a shit to come to a point where you feel that you need to assert to the world just how much you don’t give a shit.

king-kong-bundy

To illustrate just how much you give a shit, allow me to show you this picture of late 80’s WWF mainstay King Kong Bundy. Look at the size of King Kong Bundy. He has the appearance of an arctic mammal that was suddenly told that it had just ten minutes to prepare to fight Hulk Hogan. That’s the size of the shit you give. You give a King Kong Bundy amount of shit, and, if you know anything about the world’s mass, this means that you’re giving most of it.

“…”

There’s a ton of ellipses in this thing, which is pretty thoughtful. Usually, using an ellipses hints that there needs to be some sort of dramatic pause, and, if that’s the case here, then this is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre of Facebook comments. It is literally dripping with suspense and desperation.

“my name is jennifer gumz”

Hi, Jennifer. What’s one of your problems?

“I’am 18 years old”

I dig this amalgamation of both “I am 18 years old” and “I’m 18 years old.” It’s a real “everything and the kitchen sink” approach to spelling. If you decide to spell a word by just adding every possible way to spell it together, someday you’ll get something right.

Also, only 18? With this kind of comment, she proves that she has all the social media managing acumen of a twenty-year-old. I’m thoroughly impressed.

“please like my page”

I explored something like this fairly recently, where an imaginary person told us that her grandmother’s dying wish was a certain number of “Likes” on a Facebook page. But, while that was exploitative, one can appreciate the directness of “please like my page.” It takes confidence for a robot to blatantly ask you things.

And yes, for everyone wondering, I am indeed making fun of the words of a computer virus/robot/fake Facebook account. I know this, because the “jennifer gumz” Facebook page, using this same photo, is just a mashed collection of suspicious clickbait links, and this picture, like a fishhook for people who have a limited understanding of the internet.

 

Click here for some weird kind of validation!
Click here for some weird kind of validation!

I didn’t just find the words of some high school senior and decide that they were fit for having their dreams peed on. Every high school senior writes Facebook posts as if they’re turned away from the computer, screaming for books to be burned. And if it seems petty and useless to you that I’m attacking the words of a fake person, know this: unless we start making fun of robots now, they’ll make us their slaves later. The first battle in the Cyber War will be over self-esteem, and I have my eyes set on victory.

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The Death Of A Dream

It was an early, rainy Wednesday morning, when Trey decided to shut down his Shaq parody Twitter account.

“I don’t know, Mom” he explained over the phone. “I just don’t think it’s working out.”

Trey’s Mom tried to offer what limited support that she could in this situation.

“No, don’t worry about me,” he continued. “I’ll be fine.”

@thisisShaq had been the number two Shaq parody Twitter account for two straight years, but Trey had always been humble about his success. When he tweeted at a bar, and told all of his friends what he’d just tweeted, he never let his ego get out of control. “I mean, really. Some people have, like, 3 million followers,” he’d tell them. “I only have about 116 thousand.”

He scrolled through the long list of tweets. God, he’d made a ton of jokes about Gold Bond medicated powder. And about free throws. And he’d even added in some inspirational quotes too. But all good things must come to an end, Trey thought. All good things.

Maybe he’d devote a little more time to his friends and family now. Maybe he’d put more effort into marketing his own, personal Twitter account, which only had 101 followers. Yeah, I’ll do that, Trey thought. He imagined himself writing a mix of very general humor and strong opinionated statements. Develop the “Trey” brand, so to speak. That’ll be good. Focus on Trey.

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