Tag Archives: nintendo

Pokedex Entry 8: Wartortle

Pokemon has been a part of my life, off and on, for about sixteen years. I think it’s time I started writing stuff about it. I make no promises as to how long this series will last.

Wartortle

wartortle

I really like that Ivysaur/Charmeleon/Wartortle are usually drawn smirking. It kind of adds of the appeal of them as “teenage rebel” types.

I hope that I’m not the only one who thinks about them that way. I’d like to believe that, if Pokemon were real, you’d have a hard time controlling them at this stage of their evolution. You’d be all like “We’ve gotta train to win this badge!” and Wartortle would brush his ears back and say “Nah, I’m going to the mall.” Man, hypothetical Wartortle. You’re really making it hard for me to like you.

I never used Wartortle a lot growing up, mainly because I didn’t know what to make of his tail. Now, I dig it. I imagine him riding it like a surfboard and doing flips on waves, while he still wears those sunglasses that he got during his Squirtle days.

Damn. He’s too cool.

 

-Daniel

Read more of the Pokedex by clicking here.

 

Pokedex Entry 7: Squirtle

Pokemon has been a part of my life, off and on, for about sixteen years. I think it’s time I started writing stuff about it. I make no promises as to how long this series will last.

Squirtle

squirtle squad

 

These Squirtles showed up in the anime, reppin’ the five buroughs.

(From the left)

Rocky: Staten Island

Louie: Manhattan

Julian: Brooklyn

Heavy Z: Queens

Ross: The Bronx

I always wished that they’d incorporated this into a video game, where you had to stop catching ‘em all in order to prevent some ill-natured Pokemon from causing more property damage.

-Daniel

Read more of the Pokedex by clicking here.

Pokedex Entry 6: Charizard

Pokemon has been a part of my life, off and on, for about sixteen years. I think it’s time I started writing stuff about it. I make no promises as to how long this series will last.

Charizard

pokemon red version

Oh, Charizard. You were the first Pokemon that I ever significantly over-leveled.

I know that the Pokemon games aren’t meant to be extremely difficult. They do require that you know the different types and are able to remember the rock/paper/scissor-esque strategy that’s involved with them, but I’ve never thrown my Game Boy or DS variant in a rage because I was getting so frustrated with a Pokemon game. I would never describe any facet of them as unbeatable, and the ability to create raging god-beasts when you need so much less doesn’t hurt either.

I loved Charizard, and I wanted to use him all the time because he won battles. And since he won battles, I put him in more battles. Eventually, I had a creature that was ten to twenty levels higher than anything a Gym Leader or Elite 4 member would throw at me. Charizard was unstoppable. He would silently whisper “There is no need to struggle. It will all be over soon,” as he snapped an opponent’s neck. I had raised him from a cute Charmander to a being of almost surreal power.

When I replayed Red Version, after playing through Blue Version once too, it was  a shame to see Charizard go. I had spent a lot of good times with him, unfairly decimating every Bug Catcher and Gambler in our way, and I was sad that this force that I had built and cared for was going to be deleted as soon as I hit “New Game.” But he had to go, and I hope he’s happy in Video Game Old Save File Heaven, as he terrorizes his fellow inhabitants and beats them into submission.

-Daniel

Read more of the Pokedex by clicking here.

danielsfunny.com Exclusive: 6 New Pokemon for Pokemon X and Y!

Coming October 12th to the Nintendo 3DS, is the newest installments in the hit Pokemon franchise: Pokemon X and Pokemon Y! Considering that it’s hub for most things in the modern universe, danielsfunny.com has received the lowdown on six new, never-before-seen Pokemon that will be included in the game.

Radchu

radchu

Type: Electric/Rad

Height: Taller than you.

Weight: Five pounds less than you.

Bio: Radchu does not obey Trainers. He follows the beat of his own drum. If you ask him to help you, he might, but only if he feels like it. Don’t get near him, as his electric shock will paralyze you and attract nearby cheerleaders.

Evolves: From Pikachu, at level whenever he fucking feels like it.

Ability: Ignore (Attacks don’t hurt Radchu. If he’s gonna cry, it’ll be on the inside)

Move Set: Thunderbolt, Iron Tail, Sneer, Vague Text Reply

Spectragon

spectragon

Type: Dragon/Fairy

Height: 76 ft, 4 in

Weight: 28,000 lbs

Bio: Spectragon is a legendary Pokemon only available through a Toys “R” Us exclusive Wifi event. If you’re not willing to stand in line with little kids at seven in the morning, you’ll never get to use him. If you do use him, your friends will accuse you of cheating. “That’s not fair!” they’ll cry. “But…but…” you’ll plead. Can control time itself. Fills in some backstory.

Evolves: From nothing.

Ability: Important (Spectragon is more important than (insert opposing Pokemon))

Move Set: Hyper Beam, Dragon Rage, Apocalypse Destroy Everything Bomb, Leer

Ghrost

ghrost

Type: Steel/Ghost

Height: 3 ft

Weight: 22 lbs

Bio: Looks a lot like a trash can. Probably a trash can.

Evolves: It’s a trash can. Yep, definitely a trash can.

Ability: Homeless (Whenever Ghrost comes into battle, you receive an item that you’ve already used once before)

Move Set: Hypnosis, Dream Eater, Sweet Scent, Rollout

Wario

wario

Type: Poison/Fighting

Height: 5 ft, 6 in

Weight: 240 lbs

Bio: It’s Wario, from the Mario series! Does this make sense? Absolutely not! Known to lurk behind buildings, grimacing at people. Exceedingly lonely. Nintendo brand cross promotion. Cute at first, but forgettable in the long run.

Evolves: From Mario, when you use the Moon Stone.

Ability: Limited (Easy to replace in your party. Not really useful in battle)

Move Set: Mega Punch, Bite, Poison Gas, Rage

Handfulofbees

handfulofbees

Type: Bug

Height: However tall twenty bees are

Weight: Many Bees

Bio: Terrifies everyone. Does not stay in Pokeball. Instead, stays in the Trainer’s hand. If the Trainer loses a battle, toss Handfulofbees into opponents face. Run.

Evolves: From Vespiquen, at level 38.

Ability: EpiPen (Is it in your pocket? Oh, God…Oh, God, breathe….I can’t find the pen…I can’t find the pen, I’m sorry….I love you, I’m sorry…stay with me, honey)

Move Set: Bees to the face

Ovalshock

ovalshock

Type: Electric/Steel

Height: Varies

Weight: Varies

Bio: An abomination of evolution. God did not mean for this to happen. Constantly in pain. Put it out of its misery. It will understand.

Evolves: Voltorb cries out. Something is wrong. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.

Ability: Fundamentalist Christian Ammo (Will be used in a sermon to show why Pokemon is a creation of the Devil)

Move Set: Weep, Ponder Existence, Note To Family, Selfdestruct

-Daniel

A Brave New Leaf 4: Construction And Gardening

A new resident named Cyrano has moved into Eden. Why wasn’t I informed of this? Is this how the preceding Mayor ran his housing developments? Every hour I find more and more structural deficiencies in Eden, deficiencies that I plan to erase as soon as I am able. I talked to the man and he seemed as if he was hiding something behind that trunk of his. Is he the man that was supposed to be Mayor? Did he send the letter? My Panopticon will not be challenged. I will keep tabs on Cyrano.

I put the 10,000 bell down payment on a house and chose a red roof for it to symbolize my passion, and my capacity for violence, should things not go in my favor. The house was built promptly the next day by the industrious Tom Nook, someone who, despite his old age and relative slowness, has managed to impress me. What doesn’t impress me is the housing prices. I now own a close to 40,000 bell loan which I will slowly pay off. Just another failure of the old capitalistic system. I must abolish it.

This is close to what it looks like: "cute" and utterly forgettable.
This is close to what it looks like: “cute” and utterly forgettable.

I also got a sink and a golf bag when they fell out of a pine tree that I shook. I put the sink inside my new, small house, which made the conditions cramped, but owning a sink also proves that I have at least one appliance of the upper class. I, however, sold the golf bag. I have no use for recreational activities in my quest to create a new Eden. Plus, there is no room for a golf course here. Perhaps, upon expansion, I shall build some sort of recreational facility (most likely one for blood sports, which are both entertaining to watch and establish myself as someone with a strong stomach, who will go the extra distance to provide the most human of athletic competitions.)

Isabelle told me that I needed to incorporate public works into my plans, for that would make the townspeople happy. It appears that the worm has turned, as if that cheeky little dog knows a mayoral position from a hole in the ground.

I can’t afford to spend on public works right no. I won’t gain the admiration of the people if I have a small house. I must have a grand one, inspiring awe and reverence from all who pass by, for in gaining a mansion of extreme proportions, I will accomplish what they could only dream of.

Finally, I picked all the flowers in Eden. Every last one. Sure, they are beautiful but their disappearance shall cause only a minor, temporary aesthetic displeasure. Once I realized that I could sell them, the process of repaying my loan to Nook went much faster. And I will cut down every god forsaken tree in Eden if that’s what it takes to build my mansion. Formerly, I just picked up seashells and caught bugs, but I cannot wait for the tide to deliver seashells for me, for to wait on the tide to complete a task is to wait on inefficiency.

-Adam

For more of the creation of the new Eden, go here.

A Brave New Leaf 3: Economics 101

Yesterday, I picked a few cherries so my first plan for the morning was to find some sort of market in which I could sell them, and begin to earn bells. I would use this chance to form a camaraderie with the local shopkeepers, and not only earn deals for myself but smoothen the blows that were soon to come when I implement radical changes upon their strategies. But first, Isabelle called me to the town hall to explain my “duties as Mayor.” All superfluous of course, as my real duties are enlightening the residents of Eden of the new path. The path that they can either decide to follow or be wiped out.

I hoped that any awkward residue caused by last night’s encounter would be thoroughly lost by this morning and it was. As I sat down behind my desk for the first time, Isabelle stammered out some compliments and then told me of a town permit that I needed to fill out. I need to 1) own a house, 2) gain the approval of my citizens. The first will be more difficult than the second. The economy of Eden seems based around non-industrial goods, something I’m not used to. Therefore, my usual methods of earning will be replaced with, ahem, more rural techniques.

The twin sons of Tom Nook. Easily influenced.
The twin sons of Tom Nook. Easily influenced.

I went to the shop of Timmy Nook, who I assume is young Tom’s son, and I sold him my cherries. With some of the bells I earned back, I bought a shovel. The easiest way to get a glimpse into a man’s character is to watch the way he works. These people will learn to respect me through the manual labor that will be performed today. It seems below my standards, something to be done by cows or goats, this picking cherries and digging dirt, but if I show that I am willing to lower myself to the lifestyles of the plebians, then the plebians will be satisfied.

I also formed what an onlooker might call a “friendship” with young Timmy. I remained extremely amicable with him, even when I found his rates faulty. He is a teenager and stupid, but he’s the only business in town that seems to open before 10 A.M.  That must be changed. Metamorphosis is not allowed to “sleep in.” I will use Tommy as an example of what to strive for when it comes to owning a business in Eden.

In my hunt for bells, I also encountered the museum curator Blathers, a lazy owl, with the type of personality that is often revered by the lower-middle class. But since I believe in using “arts” and “culture” as a way to placate the often unstable emotions of a town (and sometime a mob), I began to donate fossils to his museum. This was done without pay, of course, and within the morning, I donated four, from four different prehistoric creatures. The new youth of Eden will be taught the Theory of Evolution in their schools, for as a far as they will be concerned, I am the creator of all they see.

I feel intense, indescribable disdain for Blathers.
I feel intense, indescribable disdain for Blathers.

I also started catching bugs, a juvenile, disgusting habit, but one that seems to please the simple-minded Moreau people of Eden. I donated these too to the museum, and used some of the money I later gathered from cherries/seashells to purchase a common bed.

The tree I planted yesterday has grown at an astonishing rate. If the metaphor from its origin holds true, then Eden shall be prosperous. And with prosperity always comes the willingness to relinquish dominance to someone who is far, far more capable.

-Adam

For more of the Brave New Leaf, go here.

A Brave New Leaf 2: The Already Converted

I received an interesting letter from someone who claimed that they were supposed to have been Mayor. They did not reveal their identity, which leads me to believe that they may be a threat to my goals. I will investigate this further at a later time, and the mystery sender will be dealt with swiftly and without remorse.

Isabelle
She is, as they say, “not my type.”

A mouse named Greta, wandering aimlessly in the night, told me that she found the tree ceremony “inspiring.” I will consider Greta to be a part of what I will call “The First Born of Eden.” Genji, a something carrying a shovel who I also met this evening will join those ranks. If anything is to go wrong, they will be the first to provide cover for me. They are young and foolish and easily rebuilt into my desired image of them.

I met Redd, a painter who is the first person in Eden to not instantly become devoted to my every move. He simply attempted to shill his wares to me, but I could not spend any bells on them. I have not gotten any currency yet, but that is soon to change. I like Redd, and I hope that he is willing to adjust his business format to suit my purposes.

A warrior.
A warrior.

Many of the citizens of Eden were not in their homes when I went to speak to them. This is disconcerting to me, as I plan to instill an 8 P.M. curfew, to lower crime rates and keep the people organized. Many of them were out “playing” or, in Genji’s case, “training.” That is fantastic. Eden eventually needs a military, and when I have settled into my duties as Mayor, I will want someone to work with new soldiers and lead them against anyone planning (in futility) to oppose Eden.

Just as I had retired to my tent for the evening, Isabelle approached me, and offered me a lantern that she had found in the town hall. I graciously took it, but from her nervous, quick speech, I couldn’t help but feel as if she was flirting with me. Isabelle, despite her earnestness, does not attract me. Any form of romantic relationship at this point would seem crude and hasty. And if I was to start one, I’d need someone of an almost unattainable beauty. Isabelle is the “girl next door,” more suited for a common merchant or laborer.

And so I completed my first day in Eden. I lay down beside the glow of my lantern and watched the mosquitos who flew too close to the hot flames, too close to the promising light. Oh, what a bitter end, to die craving an illusory beauty.

-Adam

For the rest of A Brave New Leaf, go here.