Cool Facts To Impress Your About-To-Be-Mediocre Friends

The key to being cool at parties and bars and coffee shops where you are surrounded by English and Sustainability majors is to know cool facts. And not cool facts in the way that knowing the exact dates that every John Carpenter film began production are cool facts. If those were the cool facts I was talking about, I’d be king of cool facts, and would have probably taken over a small European country by now, somewhere between Romania and a country that is two countries away from Romania.

I’m talking about cool facts that only you know. Cool facts that are so indie and hipster and post-modern that everyone around you will stop talking about what specific breweries they like most, or what size gauges they’d like to get, and listen in amazement to you, a new lord of cool facts among them.

The map might say some nonsense like “Ukraine,” but trust me on this.

But here’s the best part. You don’t have to make up your own cool facts! What? How can this be? Who will make up my own made up cool facts?! I will. You see, I take a few breaks between video editing and sobbing during the day, and I will use that time to make up facts for you. For no currency! At all! You can pay me in nice brain waves, which is the new currency of Oligonia, the made up country somewhere between Romania and another country that is relatively close to Romania. And if you think this is dumb, let me remind you, that for Oligonia to thrive, we need more currency. So, not only are you helping yourself look “tight,” you’re also helping the children of Oligonia, who are often so poor that they have to eat their own braces, which they’ve made out of turtles shells and the dreams of their grandparents. So, for the good of Oligonia, please, use this newly available service.

Now, you need proof. I know I’d need it. I’m more skeptical then you are. Which is a lie. Because I have no idea how skeptical you are. You could be so skeptical that you’ve back spaced already and left this page, in which case, you’re not reading this and probably somewhere else on the internet, most likely looking up where exactly Romania is on Google Maps. But you wouldn’t know that, would you, person who may or may not like Doctor Who.  But I have examples. Twelve of them! That’s more than 8 of them, which is the age of some kids. And you’re smarter than a kid aren’t you? Yeah. You are. Most things are. Including big dogs and html coding.  Kids are dumb. Be better than them, Champ.

I know it’s just a drawing but look at them. You could punch them all with one fist.

But here’s ten facts, to appease you, readers, if I can still consider you readers.  For free. You can use them tonight or tomorrow or later this month. They don’t expire.

  1. The word “frugal” is derived from the Latin word “frugos,” which means “to not use money/items that require money.” This was discovered by Emily Dickinson, who was secretly a man.
  2. The “Twilight” series was originally written by James Joyce. In his story, it was an allegory for the Industrial Revolution, and there weren’t any vampires or werewolves. Instead, they were dis-enchanted farmers who moved to the big city to start new lives.
  3. A wolf-horse has larger poison glands than an eel-horse, which is extinct.
  4. Women can’t feel pain in the area between their forearm and their brain. This was discovered by Einstein, who had 16 wives in total. No police reports were ever filed.
  5. Beer was invented by Sir Francis Beer, who made the first lager, which he marketed under the name “Throw It Up In The Trash Can But Get Some On The Couch And Shoes.”
  6. If you wave your hands in front of a cat’s face for ten straight minutes, it forgets its name completely. This can be used to erase stupid cat names, like “Geraldine” or “Poppin’s Treats, “ and be used to give them new, better names like “Sabretooth” and “Da Killa.”
  7. The first letter openers were Stegosaurus spikes, which weigh in excess of 500 pounds each. Also, humans used to be 15 feet tall and they all had massive biceps.
  8. Every time you refer to something as “retarded” or “way too retarded,” you use 6 muscles in your face. Ironically, to watch the new “Green Lantern” movie, you use 6 muscles in your face. (Every time you state this particular fact, you must find the nerdiest person in your group and berate them about how much they complain that something isn’t ‘faithful to the graphic novel.’ If they say that you don’t understand, remove them from your Facebook friends, with a final message that reads ‘The strong will survive.’)
  9. If you drink every tear you cry for five years, you’ll get younger. The fabled Fountain Of Youth was made entirely of Aladdin’s tears, a man who’s life story was far sadder and more boring than Disney would lead you to believe.
  10. 38% of all Americans have said that they’d be happier living if they had the powers of pyrokinesis, which is the mutant ability of the Marvel Comics villain “Pyro.” However, if you knew this fact, check your Facebook Inbox. There will be a lot of messages that say “The strong will survive” in it.
  11. If you multiply the number of sexual partners you’ve had in your senior year of college by 7500, you’d have a really high number, somewhere between 7500 and infinity.
  12. Jeffrey Dahmer was a huge fan of the show “Gilligan’s Island.” He said in an interview once that the Skipper was his main inspiration for cannibalism. When asked about this, Alan Hale Jr., the actor who played the Skipper,  said “It should’ve been me. It’s always been me.”

That’s enough facts to get you on your way to being the coolest guy/girl/robot in the wherever you are. You don’t have to thank me. Just send me nice brain waves and be on your way. For Oligonia! Boo, Romania.

READ PART 2!

READ PART 3!

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3 responses to “Cool Facts To Impress Your About-To-Be-Mediocre Friends

  1. So how many tears are equivalent to a year of living? Cause I also take breaks between crying and video editing, and I’m thinking about using those breaks to collect the tears. Maybe I can make this profitable. Oh wait, these aren’t supposed to be REAL facts. Damn. I have no idea who Jeffrey Dahmer is but I’m gonna look him up on Google. Later! Love the absurdity!

  2. I’m sitting at my desk at work, avoiding anything that could be categorized as “work,” and there are now laughter-tears pouring down my cheeks. The braces made of turtle shells and dreams of their grandparents was particularly brilliant. Thank you. 🙂

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