Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 1/7: Abasiophilia

What attracts people to people is a magical thing. For men to women, usually it’s red hair and a nice body, or red hair and really nice body, or red hair and guitar and a willingness to sing songs that may or may not be about you.

However, in some cases, you might be into some weird stuff. Stuff that your friends and your head voices make fun of you for. But don’t fret because I, Daniel Dockery, am here to help. Through my years of study and Wikipedia, I have become an expert in the man/woman connection, and I’m here to make sure that you get the lady you deserve, no matter what kind of weird shit you may be into. So, for the next few days, I’m going to give you hints on seven of these types of people, and if you fit, you’re in luck! If you don’t, sorry. You were meant to die alone anyway.

1. Abasiophilia

Psychosexual attraction to people with impaired mobility.

Examples: Crutches, wheelchairs, casts, Barbara Gordon,

I see you there, with your puppy dog eyes and your drool spilling into your mocha frapp. You watch the girl hobble around the coffee shop, struggling to open doors and make it up steps. And you think ”How could a physically challenged girl like her ever fall for a perfectly normal guy like me?” Here are some tips, you star crossed lover, you.

Tip 1 – She can’t move very well. So you’ve already got the upper hand. Finding a situation to talk to her cant be that hard because, if she runs, there’s no place that she can go that you can’t get to faster.

Tip 2 – Display your prowess with your working legs. Kick shit over. If you’re in a Barnes and Noble and you see a big display for the new Dan Brown novel “God’s Kinda Real To Some People And Those People Are In An Expensive Cult”, Bruce Lee that thing to the floor. She’ll be impressed by this. And if she’s not, kick her crutches. No use bottling up anger,

Tip 3 – Get there fast, buddy. The body is constantly healing, and if you take your time, she might be out of that cast before the first date. Which means no more boners. You don’t want someone who can, gasp, walk regularly do you? Of course you don’t. So put down your Kindle and get over there before the bones reconnect!

It’s like a sex swing, if you squint real hard and believe in yourself.

Tip 4 – Offer her a “cast massage.” This is purely psychological and will only work if you can manipulate yourself and her into believing it will work. If you can, excellent. You’re one step ahead of everyone else in the world. Just rub the cast. The amount of pressure you apply doesn’t matter. It’s all in her head anyway.

Tip 5 – Buy a crowbar. She’s gonna heal up eventually, and when she does, you’re just gonna look awkward. So buy a crowbar or another blunt instrument, and when she stands up and says “I think I’m finally healed,” subtly yell “BUT NOW YOU’LL LEAVE ME!” and swing.

 

 

 

 

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