Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 5/7: Macrophilia


Fascination with or a sexual fantasy involving giants.

Examples: Girls over 5’6, Giganta, That one lady who married Flava Flav that one time.

How does the universe work, my friend? Are our lives determined by destiny or are we in complete control? The latter, you say? Good Attitude. I see you there, tongue on the floor as you engage that beast of a woman with your eyes. You’re shorter then she is, (you’re shorter than most girls. 8th grade proved problematic), but you’ve got the will power to stand on your toes and declare your love. I believe in you, Tiny, and I encourage you to put on your hiking boots with the 3 inches of rubber, and to wear your hair as high as possible, in your attempt to tame the Amazon and bring yourself home a monster.

Note: If you’re a tall male, and the woman is also tall, this article doesn’t apply to you. Go do stuff that tall guys do, like win women over with social grace and charm.

She doesn’t hate the Superfriends. She just wants love.

Tip 1: Wave your arms and yell. I know this sounds foolish, but we’re animals, right? In the animal kingdom, certain creatures will attempt to make themselves look bigger in order to attract a mate. No reason you shouldn’t do the same. Make the motions you would make if you were trying to perturb an advancing bear. Scream obscenities and nonsense, and wave your arms like only half your body decided to do the jumping jack. The lady’s first thought will be “I may be a tall freak woman, but this guy is huge.”

Tip 2: Stand really close to her at all times. It’s only logical that objects are bigger if they’re closer. If you block everything in her vision, she’ll have no choice but to see you as gigantic. You’ll literally be everything to her.

Tip 3: Photoshop. Take a picture you’ve printed of her that you got off her Facebook page, and photoshop her body onto a cityscape of some sort. Cities like Los Angeles and Portland work well. New York is in bad taste. Add foot prints in the streets and broken windows and burning buildings. Women love to feel empowered, and there is nothing more empowering then seeing yourself as a 30 story death bringer.

I hate to post smut like this.

Tip 4: Wear jackets. If you’re short and too tired to try Tip 1, wear a lot of jackets – at least 30 of them. “Why are you wearing so many jackets?” she might ask. You’ll answer. “I’m wearing one jacket, hottie, because I’m a large ass man with a weird torso. Everything else about me though, is anatomically proper.” Because there’s nothing single females like more than a conversation that starts with you saying that your genitals look normal.

Tip 5: Get tiny friends. Hang out with midgets and lonelier dudes and children. Work at a preschool. You’ll be the biggest guy there. Take pictures of yourself next to dollhouses being carried by dwarves. Just keep the dwarves hands and beards out of frame. Those two things are immediate giveaways that something is amuck.

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2 responses to “Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 5/7: Macrophilia

    • It’s okay. Before the feeling of what I can best describe as “ashamed disgust” kicked in. I did too.

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