The job market is hard right now. Really hard. I could make “as hard as a” similes all day, it’s so hard. But I won’t, not because I don’t like referencing blood flow to certain organs in articles, but because that’s not what this article is about. Remain focused on the prize. That’s tip number one.
The most important thing to remember is that a job interview is like fighting a circus bear. You’re not gonna win, but if you put on a good enough show, you might be called back to get paid and punch a bear some more. How do you find people willing to let you punch their bears, when so many people are trying to punch bears and the bears seem to be dying constantly? First off, you tire of the bear metaphor. Second, you lie. And that’s where we’ll begin.
DOCKERY’S WAYS TO WIN A JOB/BEAR FIGHT 1: LYING
Now, when I say lie, I mean within the scope of reason. Don’t say you’ve done anything that people haven’t done yet. That means you leave out these two words that will automatically let people know you’re full of shit. 1. Dinosaurs. 2. Romans. If you have any of these two words on your resume, the red warning flag will show up and you won’t get hired. A better word for what you need to be doing is “expanding.” If you’ve been a space mission, and landed on the Moon, I don’t see any reason that you didn’t land on Venus and Mercury too. If you’re the best in the world at planting corn, you might want to be the best in the world at planting tomatoes also. We’re one step away, scientifically, from apes with the minds of humans (I saw the movie. I know). That means, unless you lie fast, you’re gonna be competing in the job market with gorillas that have man brains. And gorillas will rip your arms off to get a better spot in line. So, either “beef up” the stuff you know how to do with stuff that you might know how to do, or break out the dumbbells and start bicep curling. You’re gonna need strength in order to rip gorilla limbs off.
DOCKERY’S WAYS TO WIN A JOB/BEAR FIGHT 2: INTIMIDATION
There are a thousand people probably going for the same job that you want. You’re already getting muscular in preparing to massacre 30 chimps at a time, but you gotta talk the talk. When standing in the lobby, waiting to be called in, play mind games with the other applicants. Say things like “I’ve heard wives go into accidental labor when their husbands take this job. Think you can beat the clock?” or “The law of the jungle says the strongest man survives. I can punch your brain through your femur.” If that doesn’t work, bring an axe in your briefcase and slowly sharpen it while waiting. Then, whenever you get called up, cut your own hand off and say “Don’t worry. Just sew the axe on and I’ll be fine!” Then stop the bleeding ASAP.
This also works with the guy interviewing you. If he asks you where you plan to be in 5 years, ask him “I don’t know. How long do you think it will take for your removed skin to dry? Cause, if it takes 5 years, I’ll be you.” When he tries to call the cops, just bring up ol’ axe arm and let him know what’s what.
DOCKERY’S WAYS TO WIN A JOB/BEAR FIGHT 3: BRING AN ENTOURAGE
I’m not talking about three of four friends. I’m talking everyone you know. Invite hundreds to the job interview, and when they ask you in, say “But where will my HUNDREDS OF SUPPORTERS WHO KNOW HOW FUCKING COOL I AM SIT?” Then, snap your fingers and have your entourage sit down and start making outline hand turkeys. Then have them post those turkeys on the walls of the building. So now, not only do you have a new job, but your business is supported by hundreds of children with poor drawing skills.
DOCKERY’S WAYS TO WIN A JOB/BEAR FIGHT 4: ASS KISSING
People hate doing this, but it’s a necessity. I think a rap song once said “You want to see some ass, I want to see some cash. Make it rain, trick.” That kind of applies to what I’m talking about in specifics, but in mood it applies exactly. Ass kiss so much that you have to invent shit to ass kiss about. If you’re applying for a job as a waiter, consider the scenario:
Restaurant Owner: So, what do you think about the business?
You: I think it’s great! I think your restaurant could also publish a great magazine!
Restaurant Owner: But we’re a restaurant. We don’t publish things.
You: But you could!
Restaurant Owner: (unable to speak. All the blood and energy that would help work his mouth is now being used to support the massive boner THAT YOU CREATED).
Ass kiss so much that you give people pride boners. I could elaborate, but I think the term “pride boners” speaks volumes.
DOCKERY’S WAYS TO WIN A JOB/BEAR FIGHT 5: PAY A CHILD TO CRY OVER THE PHONE
In the middle of the interview, pay a child that sounds like he was just crapped out of a Charles Dickens novel to call you and start to complain about the “soup.” There’s not enough meat in the soup, or there’s too much pee in the soup, or that his teeth can’t handle the flavor rocks you added. Then have him start sobbing. Ask politely if you can finish the conversation, and then whisper soothingly over the phone, “Don’t worry. If Daddy gets the job, he won’t have to keep using the neighbor’s pets for Christmas turkey.” At this point, if you’re not automatically hired, it’s not the job for you.
DOCKERY’S WAYS TO WIN A JOB/BEAR FIGHT 6: RELY ON YOUR NATURAL ABILITIES, HONEST SUCCESSES AND SOCIAL CONFIDENCE
This is a gamble, and should only be attempted if your name is “Hulk Hogan” or just “Hulk.” That way, if you don’t get the job, you’ll be pissed off enough to leg drop the office to splinters.
Note: There is an elaborate metaphor here for bear fighting. If you find it, consider yourself the next James Joyce. If you don’t, it’s cool.