When Twitter was invented, a thousand pairs of arms raised to the sky and yelled “Thank you, for finally we can talk about how much waiting in line sucks, aiming our comments at absolutely no one in particular.” And it was good. Twitter, for me at least, became the place where I put stuff that I was going to write on Facebook and thought “no, this is far too retarded and I am not ready for judgement.” And so I’d post away on Twitter and up until recently, my Twitter was made up of mindless criticisms on anything I could reach. New movie I didn’t like? Waffles got cold too fast? Date gone badly? In 140 characters or less I’d spew on them, letting people know exactly what they didn’t care about.
I don’t know if it started when Twitter started, or if it came in because the people who updated Twitter became bored too, but tags were created. Tags are basically things that either encapsulate the statement you just made (usually unnecessary, as, if your 140 character limit isn’t enough to get to the point, you’re probably using words wrong) or add something to the end of it. A zinger. Kind of like the punchline to something that wouldn’t be funny anyway. For example:
Spilt my icee all over myself. #clumsy
The person spilt an ice all over themselves, a tragedy. However, a tag allows you to add something completely unnecessary to it to illuminate why you dropped the icee. One could infer that you’re fucking butterfingers just from this tweet, but thanks to the glory of a different color, clickable word, we now know exactly what kind of icee spilling moron you are. A clumsy one. Thanks for the light in the darkness, Twitter.
In this column, I’m going to take the best tags I find every few days and dissect them like little Twitter frogs. I’ll start with one that caught my attention today. And I’ll never use the phrase “little Twitter frogs” again.
Ed_gein: Made a skin suit only to find out it doesn’t fit. #Talkaboutawkward
soldierboy: MADE BOMB JOKES IN JAPAN. MY BAD YALL. #Talkaboutawkward
guywhossad: Mom using my Han Solo figure instead of usual dildo. #Talkaboutawkward
Assumption: This tag leads me to assume that it will be full of people talking about times that they we’re walked in on while having sex or walked in on others having sex.
Was I right?: Very much so. About 90% of what I assumed was correct. People walking in on cheaters or on themselves walking in on cheaters or on their families. Hell, people got so into this one, they walked into hypothetical situations. Justin Bieber fandom is very popular on Twitter and a few concerned walking in on Justin Beiber and that one girl you feel bad about liking too much, while they were in the shower. Which is a prompt that should be used more on Twitter, where you make up walking in on celebrity couples doing stuff.
dandock: Tom Cruise and Katies Holmes having dinner. I shit on their table. #Talkaboutawkward
dandock: Saw Whoopi Goldberg talking to Nick Nolte. Made bad Blade Runner joke. #Talkaboutawkward
(Note: Whoopi and Nick aren’t a couple. But “Whoopi Nolte” is a great baby name and should be used by families who don’t have the last name ‘Nolte’.)
How to use this tag for good: This tag would be best used to call people out on their Twitter habits, especially Twitter Problem Friend 1: Guy Who Tweets Too Much For Comfort. His life isn’t interesting and he probably doesn’t think it is either. But that doesn’t stop him from letting you know all about it. For this, his name is “tweetzilla.”
tweetzilla: Toilets broken. DAMMIT. 16 minutes ago.
tweetzilla: Fixed it. Just had to clear it out. 14 minutes ago.
tweetzilla : man, I hate Pawn Stars. Who would want to buy that? 8 minutes ago.
tweetzilla: Going to get an icee. Who wanst to come with? 3 minutes ago.
You get the idea. Using this tag for optimal solutions, you could post helpful tips to “tweetzilla” such as “@tweetzilla is talking about a lot of things and no one cares. He should stop. #Talkaboutawkward”
This will send the right message to “tweetzilla,” the message of “Hey bro. I’m sure you’re nice, but…..”