For previous entries in this series, I’ve stuck to one “philia” per article. However, with this one I’ve decided that there are enough weird, lonely people to warrant an article with not one, but three different “philias.” That way, whoever reads this can have better luck finding the woman of their dreams and finally stop calling their pillow with a woman’s Hollister t-shirt on it, “girlfriend.”
Choosing “philias” is a hard process. You have to dredge through a lot of boring ones (Congratulations. You like transvestites. That’s not even a fetish. Usually that’s called “drunken mishap.”) However, for this one, I chose three that I thought were interesting but not interesting enough to warrant their own article. Plus, there are only so many punchlines you can make about jerking off to National Geographic shows before you get bored of it.
Note: I have a high tolerance for nature/masturbation jokes. Let that be known.
Sexually attracted to or sexually aroused by trees
Examples: Oaks and Pines and other tree names.
I see you there, Mr. Other-Guy-At-Work-Found-Out-About-It-And-Won’t-Stop-Making-“You’ve got wood”-Jokes. You take the abuse and yet you still keep kicking, trying to find that perfect flora partner. That perfect tree. Now usually, I help men with women and my natural instincts are telling me to pay someone to kick you in the head until you’re non-crazy, but I’ll make an exception. I’m sure tree lovers are nice people, and I’m sure that trees, while a little “wooden,” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist. You’re a freak,) are excellent lovers.
Tip 1: It’s a tree. Unless you’re dealing with the rape tree from Evil Dead or the Whomping Willow, walking up, slinging an arm around the shoulder and then boning it shouldn’t be too difficult. The phrase “just go for it,” can’t be said more loudly here. And if the tree seems like it doesn’t like your touch, cut it down. And while you’re cutting it down, cry. But you’re probably already ahead of me on that one.
Aroused by tears or sobbing
Examples: Funerals, older people at weddings, girls you wouldn’t want to date normally.
I see you there, dude who hugs too much. You like her cause she’s crying, and the best advice I can give is to keep her that way. Otherwise, she’s gonna grab a Kleenex and suddenly you won’t have anything to cuddle with unnecessarily.
Tip 1: Throw surprise “bad news” parties. When she comes home from work, jump up from behind the couch and say “Surprise. Your mom got in a car wreck and died in a long agony!” Then, get it on. Then afterwards, pretend to get a phone call and tell her “Good news, your mom is alive!” Then pause and follow with “Your dog was in the backseat though…..” Repeat this until she leaves you for good.
Tip 2: Surprise her in other ways, such as “surprise pepper in the face” day and “surprise, you have to cut 1000 onions” day and “surprise, threatening phone call from a stranger (you)” day.
Tip 3: Find out dark points in her past and use key words to bring those scars and emotions to the surface. She watched her brother get mauled by a bear? At breakfast, ask her to pass the orange juice and then say “But not too hard. I wouldn’t want you to get eaten alive.” She’ll be inconsolable.
The sexual interest of being crawled upon and nibbled by small insects
I see you there, Mr. Too Ashamed To Breath. So what that you like insects biting your body? I’m sure there are girls that like it too. This one is just going to take some time, and because it’s so specific, you’re going to have to make them come to you. That’ll mean grand gestures of attraction. You’re going to have to put forth some effort, but, with my advice, it’ll pay off and you’ll be knee deep in naughty parts and possibly ants.
Tip 1: I got outside every three weeks to prove to myself that I won’t burst into flame. Therefore, I don’t know a lot about picnics. But, I’ve seen the movie “Antz” enough to know that bugs love them, and women might enjoy them. So take her on a picnic, spread a blanket and when some curious insects come along, tell her not to swat them. “They’re living creatures too.”
Tip 2: Collect bugs in a jar and then, before you head out for the evening, pour them in your bed. That way, when you come home with your lady, they’ll be ready for you. Just act surprised and curious. “OH MY, LOOK AT ALL THESE CENTIPEDES IN MY BED! HOW COULD THEY HAVE POSSIBLY GOTTEN HERE? OH WELL. NO STOPPING THE SPORTSMASTER!”
(Note 2: Tip 2 assumes that your nickname is “The Sportsmaster,” which is also the name of a DC Comics villain. However, it doesn’t make it any less lame.)
Tip 3: Give the girl hints that you like bugs eating on you. Ask her hypotheticals, like “What if we were making out and a tarantula bit into my shoulder?” of “What if we were on a date and there were wasps on my hands?” If she does anything other than grab your junk playfully, dump her. She’ll never understand.