Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 7/7: Gerontophilia

Gerontophilia

Sexual preference for the elderly

Examples: Grandparents (not yours).

People thought this was good. Like, real people.

I see you there, Mr. Women-My-Age-Are-Just-Not-Mature-Enough. You’re tired of these young girls and their disgusting youth and what you want is someone who is old enough to be experienced, but young enough to not be dead. You’re not looking for a cougar, you’re looking for someone morbidly older. Someone who has to take an hour out of their day every time they go to the bathroom. Someone who gets exhausted walking down hallways. Someone who thinks that Elvis was actually in good movies. Someone who will tell you a story, forget half way through what story they were telling and then tell the story over again.

Well, in my last dating article for the normal-impaired, I’m making tips for you. You’re young and spritely and you talk way too fast for hearing aids to keep up with. Calm down, speak up, and get ready to love and cherish someone until they collapse in the kitchen in a few weeks.

Tip 1: Ignore the subtle racism and inability to see past their own worldviews. When they hit 70, old people lose the biological ability to “consider others opinions.” Don’t get mad if they blurt out things like “That Barat Osama should go back to Egypt!” or “I remember when gas was a nickel. Why do you have fag hair?” Never let this get to you. You’ll be rewarded for your patience.

AARP Most Wanted

Tip 2: Make it clear of your intentions. Old people come from the days when you asked someone on a date by coming to their house in the middle of the night, lighting a lamp in their window and then offering a cow to their parents. Use grand, simple words with them and hug them often. Senses dull as time goes by, but no one ever forgets the feeling of “His arms are crushing my torso.”

Tip 3: Pretend to be a famous person. Learn one verse of “You Make Me Feel So Young” and you’ll have an assortment of ladies who think that you’re the one singer whose name they can’t remember. Either that, or learn to tap dance. Apparently, before it became sign language for “stop please, you’re ruining everything,” tap dancing was considered entertaining. Learn how to do this, and those who don’t pass out in the middle will give you a standing ovation. Then, possibly a five-some. High five, bro.

Tip 4: Remind them of things that never happened. It’s always been my theory that “The Notebook” was a guy manipulating a woman into thinking that they’d had a fulfilling, tumultuous romantic life in order to get a piece of that hot, old oldness. Do the same here. Remind her of that picnic on the moon or that time that you fought off fourteen gang members after the Community Center Ice Cream Social. So what if you’re lying. Think of it as going to the acting school you can’t afford.

Make her remember that time you were all like this.

Tip 5: Get ready for the hate you’ll receive from her children and take it in stride. You’re the one with the hot “eldey” (rap slang for elderly). Now throw the term “eldey” in their face. “I’m tapping the hot eldey.” “I get to go home to my fine eldey tonight.” I haven’t done the research, but my best predictions are that hearing someone say “eldey” in real life a few times is enough to incite near murder.

That’s it. I’ve covered every possible type of woman that a man could go for if their looking for that certain, special kind of disappointment. I’m glad that you’ve joined me for this wonderful journey of honest advice.

-Daniel

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