When it comes to women attracting men, dating tips usually run the gamut of kinda’ stupid to how-are-you-able-to-read-this stupid. They often deal with inane boring things, like what to wear (“Make sure that you don’t put on pants where shirts go! You don’t want to look silly,”) to things you can do if the date is going badly (“If he chews his food too loud, don’t punch him in public.”) Often times their either so applicable that they’ve been ingrained into a person’s genetic code, or so inapplicable that they’re only used if you’ve already orchestrated the date to fail and are playing a game where you try to make it better.
With this two-part series, I plan on shifting into the shoes of women’s dating expert. You’ve seen me cover people who get turned on by danger, crippling disorders and ants, so now I’ll switch gears a bit. Women need help too, and who better than from someone whose old Native American name was “Knows What She’s Thinking And Can Bone Her Quicker Then You.” And I’m serious about that name.
I won’t let you know what tribe I came from, but know this: I did jump over fires and looked Dirty Harry cool when I did it. Trust me.
Now, before you say that you’ve seen my previous tips and ask “How could you possibly deal with something like a woman’s feelings toward a man. They’re too complex,” let me ask you something. Do you want to be alone forever? If so, congrats. That’s why stray cats, scrapbooking and excessive, guilty Facebook stalking was invented. Those are three things that myself and other rationally minded romantics want nothing to do with. You can keep your hobbies, know-it-alls. I’m gonna be too busy helping ladies nab that special guy, all the while attempting to keep my dignity.Tip 1: If you’re not like Zooey Deschanel, you’re already out of luck. A majority of men these days seem to like the doe-eyed, I’m a hip dork and ‘you can dream, can’t you’ type of girl that she represents. And by majority of men, I mean a 99% and then some guys that I never respond to the bar invitation texts of. The quickest key to getting a dude is to be her. Starting out not her is getting on the wrong foot. Body snatch or get extensive surgery.
Tip 2: Okay, now that you look like someone who annoys me, it’s time to move onto where you meet men. The best place is to go where men think they will meet you. And men think they will meet women anywhere. If a guy goes somewhere, it’s usually with the hope of maybe getting laid there, and you have to know this mindset and use it to your advantage. It’s very easy to appear flirtatiously stand-offish at all times, so start with that. At a convenience store, at a bar, at a coffee shop, at a Home Depot, anywhere. Just look half-lost and half-hot and the men will come.
Tip 3: Be prepared for the wingman. I must admit, sometimes a wingman works. However, most of the time, it’s just a shorter guy standing beside the dude you want to get with, saying things like “He’s pretty good at basketball,” and “Holy shit, that’s funny.” Shut down the wingman. Tell him “Is this really how you mask your loneliness? By thinking you’re helping?” You’ll ruin him. And the guy you’re aiming at will abandon him immediately, as the friend’s services are rendered null by your snark. It’s just you and him now.
Tip 4: Now that your behavior and looks have intrigued the guy, make yourself stand out from other girls. A guy’s interest can change in a second when something else enters the picture. Be prepared for warning signs such as an Asian girl entering the bar, or two Asian girls entering the bar. Say things that keep him lingering. Add a pause and the word “later” to everything. “Do you want to buy me a drink after you buy me another drink…..later?” “Do you want to head back to your place after a few days so I don’t look bad…..later.” Stuff like this is key in creating the illusion that he feels comfortable with you.
Tip 5: Keep your “specialties” under wraps for now. When I say “specialties” I don’t mean anything dirty, I mean the things that, long after you’ve broken up, he will remember about you. Things like “She cried when she saw paper dolls” or “Tended to grab knives.” Keep in mind that you want this to last. It’s a three date rule. Wait three dates before you let him know that every time you hear “Sussudio” by Phil Collins, you can’t stand up.