In the first article of this two parter, I explained in simple, relatable terms, the way to make a short-term relationship start and work. If you haven’t already created the perfect scenario where you and a very unlucky male have gotten together, then you either haven’t read it yet, or you failed. If it’s the former, go and read it. Does the mind good. Part 1
If it is the second, stop here. You’re not meant for the whole “be happy” deal. Go blog about it.
Short-term relationships are simple. Usually they require vodka and not having to work the next morning. The ingredients to make a long-term relationship work are a little more complex, in the terms of a cooking analogy. Many claim that what makes one work is compatibility and caring for the other person more then you care for yourself.
This is a lie.
I’ve watched couples stay together for fifty years, and the only solace one of them gets is when the other goes to sleep, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll also be asleep when the other person dies. That way, there will be no one to blame but the failure of an old body. Long-term relationships are a mix of lying and covering those lies. And ladies. Get ready to enter Dante’s Ninth. It’s gonna be hot and awesome.
Tip 1: Remember the last tip I said where you’re not supposed to reveal your crazy flaws. I take that back, but only if this has been going for 6 months or more. If it has, your tendency to “Scream at open closet doors” will come off as some deep childhood revelation and your ability to only make love when you hear dogs barking will be endearing, in a weird, I’m-stuck-with-you-forever-let’s-make-the-best-of-it kind of way. Stupid, weird things like this will provide conversations for hours, as you sob and he attempts to say that he’s sorry for something he had no part of.
Tip 2: Stay away from anything that has to do with “kids” and “someday.” This goes for you and your man. Accidently saying “Maybe two girls” can be the death knell for any relationship. If you have to express some kind of maternal instinct, aim it towards puppies. Men love dogs and being able to take care of one should satisfy your urge to have something that’s loud and shits mercilessly.
Tip 3: Seem as cultured as possible. This includes knowing video game characters and sports figures. If he’s playing Red Dead Redemption, don’t ask him how close he is to Zelda. Tell him that you love his cowboy games, and his dong. Or that you really like that “soccer thing” and how muscular his triceps are. Or something.
Tip 4: Continually keep him guessing, and make this flippancy almost habitual. Having a good morning and he seems pleased? Turn it around. It doesn’t have to be for real stuff. You got some shower water on the bathroom floor? Time for a ten-minute freak out and screaming session. He fixed a decent meal for you? No longer. Flip the plate over and yell “I THOUGHT WE KNEW EACH OTHER!?” Never blame him though. He’ll take that as a sign of “get out now,” and you’ll be back to reading the first article, and telling other single women about how you need to go to “MAN-hattan,” followed by a chorus of “Right, ladies?”
Tip 5: Make sure the debilitating disease hits him first. This can seem hard and impersonal, but all it requires is a simple game of “hide the necessary pills.” When the crippling arthritis hits him, it won’t be the lack of accomplishments that he’ll be thinking about. It will be how much you’re there for him. Which is what you would want, right, Ms. Perfectly Normal?
Tip 6: At his high-school reunions, make sure to be attractive, foreign, addicted to sex and unable to comply with the social guidelines of the event. Constantly ask the meanings of words, tease his past enemies and make a stream of innuendoes. Wear a low-cut top and have a special, European-sounding nickname for your breasts.
Tip 7: Make sure, quickly that your tombstone says something cool. Later he’ll want a more symbolic, “Great Father and Husband” piece of nonsense. However, for the time being, keep him interested with carvings like “(Insert Name Here) He fought a shit ton of bear cannons and it was the pesky whooping cough that killed him.” Or “(Insert Name Here) He made Hitler tap out.”