If there is one thing that Twitter is good for, it’s to show the expectations one has that people care about what they have to say. No one tweets with the idea of “I hope nobody reads this and that my attempts at social networking are completely futile. Technology has effectively castrated my attempts to get noticed.” Everyone posts hoping that someone likeminded or attractive will reply or retweet them, making them feel witty or also attractive.
In this case, we see people who hope to achieve something by posting what they think “A Real Boyfriend” should do. In real life, what constitutes a real boyfriend is extremely subjective. To some, he needs to be a knight in confident armor, and to others, he simply needs to remember your name when he’s drunk. So, to post on Twitter with your definitive statement of what makes the perfect guy is pretty useless. Sorry, seventeen-year-olds.
What I assumed going into this trend was that there would be a whole lot of girls talking about their own unfulfilled wishes and a lot of guys hoping to pick up girls with their tweeting skills and their sensitive online personas. And thus, I entered the realm of misspellings and despair.
Was I Right:
In a nutshell, hell yes. The amount of redundant “he knows when we cry on the inside” posts overtook my entire laptop screen, so much so that I got an email from my own computer, asking me when I’d become so lame. Girls seemed to have taken this opportunity to pour their souls onto the “What’s Happening?” form and did so in ways that would impress no one. They treated each revelation of “Girls hurt and guys need to notice” as some NASA level discovery. Look, women, we know that, if you’re depressed, we should probably help out. The girls who use Twitter live in a parallel dimension, where, when they need help with problems, a man’s common response is “What is this water from your face? I will have to stab your eyes until it stops. Fill my jar with your screams.”
The men who used this tag had my favorite tweets. Men don’t post what “A Real Boyfriend” should do unless they’re trying to get somewhere. It’s kind of like how I’m not good at any sports until a woman seems interested. Then I’m good at every sport. I’ll make up sports to seem intriguing. Thus, Maffling, which was invented by the Romans and is also an activity that lot of people haven’t heard of, has gotten me laid at least thirty-five times, not counting those times when I couldn’t remember the name of the sport I made up.
How Do Use This For Good:
#ARealBoyfriend is filled with enough loneliness to power Germany’s depression for another ten years. The best way to improve upon this tag would be to actually give advice on what a real boyfriend would do. And I’m not talking some emotional stuff, where the guy is asked to help with her broken, dramatic soul, but with actual things that would be appreciated in a relationship.
Tweetzilla: #ARealBoyfriend doesn’t shit in the bed, no matter how funny he thinks it is.
Tweetzilla: #ARealBoyfriend doesn’t say that “she’s out of town.” He says “Give me until tomorrow.”
Tweetzilla: I know #ARealBoyfriend because he doesn’t make as many rape jokes as before.
Tweetzilla: #ARealBoyfriend knows that prison isn’t fun for me.