I’ve helped you to meet people who get turned on by weird things, how to escape the friendzone and how to get married. I even gave women advice on how to find the perfect guy, and despite how anti-sex-with-girls I made myself sound with the first part of this sentence, it had great results. Women everywhere are no longer reading Cosmo tips because they’re far too busy successfully finding boners. I’ve done as much good for the world as some Nobel Prize Winners, and until the people at http://www.nobelprize.org/ invent an award for “Best Relationship Advice and Second Most Knowledgeable About The Movie “Escape From New York,” my results will remain overshadowed by cancer treatments and other more press-friendly options.
When I was four, my soul was impaled by a tree limb and so I never had the chance to experience what other people know as “heart break.” Whereas other people would spend time wondering where to go from here, now that they’ve had one of their life’s comforts and concerns ripped out of their present day, my brain immediately goes to Phase 2, aptly titled “Jogging Shorts and Alien Series Marathon.” However, I have observed people dealing with break ups, and through research I’ve been able to devise ways for a person to get over the end of a relationship. And I’m right.
I know that it is going to be tough, especially if you’re what people often refer to as a “lame-ass.” When you finally get a girlfriend/boyfriend, you drop all your normal habits and devote 100% of your brain capacity to them. If you’re not writing them a letter, you’re thinking about a flirtatious sentence for your next sticky note on their fridge. If you’re not improving your cuddling techniques first hand, you’re arguing in cute ways about your cuddling techniques. You used to like movies and sports and travelling. Now you like whatever they like, and you’ve ceased to become a real person. You’ve become what would normally be called “creepy as hell,” but now that your Facebook status has changed, it’s seen as “slight personal inconvenience.”
And now it’s over. And while your tweets are vague statements about “loss” and “trying to move on,” you’re secretly waiting for them to do the same, wanting to know that they’re going through the same pain. And you soon realize, no, they’re not, because their last tweet was a funny observation about basketball, and funny observations about basketball have about as much to do with break-ups as my arms have to do with actual basketballs, a scientific piece of matter commonly called “Not fucking anything.”
You’re probably crying right now. If I hadn’t gotten laser cannons put where my eyes were, I’d probably be able to relate. However, I can give tips to make the transition back to being average a little less painful. Follow my lead, sad folk, as I take you through a seven step method called “Daniel’s Plan To Make You Stop Checking For Texts That Aren’t Coming.”
Step 1: Replace their names with things you dislike
They say that it’s harder to shoot someone if you know their name. I’m not sure that this metaphor applies but it’s deep enough to make me sound cooler when I say it. Replace their names in your phone, on your computer, anywhere, with the names of things that you loathe. For example, you will no longer be tempted to drunk dial Sarah, as you’ll now be scrolling past the number labeled “Possible Warts In Your Throat.” You’ll never watch the list of email contacts called “Special” again. Instead, you’ll wince when you see “God-Killing Dream Beast.” However, this step can be skipped if you actually loathe that person, in which case you won’t have to read “Brittany” as anything else, because “Brittany” has already psychologically become “I Think That Once Attractive Hobo Just Shit On My Car Hood.”
Step 2: Make Your Friends Hate Them
Winning your friends back after your relationship is over can be a process. You’ve spent so much time being a “cuddle monster” that no one trusts you to have a conversation that doesn’t have you bringing up how great love is and how happy you are. However, when you’ve proven yourself an actual person and not someone who still has their blood replaced by little hearts that dot i’s, the next step is to make your friends hate whoever you just left. Go ahead and lie, I won’t tell. You’re wondering what’s keeping America in the Middle East for so long? You’re not exactly sure but you’re pretty sure that your ex might be the answer. Believe me, it’s much harder to spend time thinking about someone when they’ve just invented child kidnapping and an airborne disease or two.
Step 3: Start Liking Asian Girls
This will probably get you high fives from other guys and make you seem like a douche bag to everyone else, but nothing says “I’m over it,” like an unhealthy sudden interest in anime and negative stereotypes.
Step 4: Become Obsessed With Wikipedia
Many say that you have to do things to get your mind off of them, and what better ways to get your mind off a person then devoting yourself to “the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.” If you already were into Wikipedia, even better. Don’t let the 11th grade History Teacher interpretation “Anyone can edit so that means it’s all fake” stop you from enjoying page after page of useless shit. And the more useless, the better. If you’re reading this and thinking “All I wanted was you” or some Adele lyric, let yourself become engrossed in things like this:
Step 5: Grow A Beard
This may only apply to men, but, since you’re reading an internet article about getting over someone, you probably are a dude, and are too ashamed to admit it. You can quit that nonsense now that you’re thinking about growing a beard, or, in the lady’s case, a “leg forest.” Growing a beard is the best way to create a new identity. People use it all the time in order to escape being captured after a crime, and now that you’ve successfully told a lot of people that your former love interest invented the practice of “Death STD,” you’ll probably want a new body to escape into. Why not have it be the body of an anti-social mountain man. Put on coveralls, old boots and work gloves, carry around a cracked axe and tell neighbors that you just read “On Walden Pond.” Or just grow a beard.
In the case of women, as stated earlier, leg forest. Unless you’re looking to immediately hook up again. In that case, don’t let it grow more than a half inch. Because love doesn’t discriminate, unless you have gross looking calves. And then love discriminates like a race-specific water fountain.
Step 6: Move On At Your Own Pace
This step is an awful one, but, if you’re the kind of person who feels the need to “listen to their heart,” you should just go at your own pace. And your own pace is a slow, inexorable death march that can last for a few months or longer, depending on how long you thought you felt happy beforehand. This is a masochistic process and should only be done if you don’t know how to read. I don’t know who invented the idea of “taking your time is more healthy,” but hopefully they’re either dead, being eaten by condors, or alive, also being eaten by condors.
Step 7: Treat Love Like A Friday The 13th Film
I treat love like a Friday The 13th film, in the fact that it’s perfectly reasonable to meet someone, fall in love, have sex and die, all within the space of twenty to thirty minutes. This makes getting over a break up much easier because, if you weren’t breaking up you’d be getting killed by a corkscrew through the hand/cleaver in the face combo, like a young Crispin Glover here.