90% of Twitter has never had sex before. If you were to ask them what “intercourse” was, they’d respond with a description of a dinosaur. I don’t over-estimate this either. You’re more likely to make fun of unfunny sex if you’ve never experienced it before, mainly because, when it does happen, you realize how valuable it is to the human condition.
The other 10% has had it either once or many, many times, and they are not the people posting in this trend. #4Wordsbeforesex is like a massive group of lemmings jumping over the cliff, except you would replace lemmings with people who legitimately put “I’m funny” and “I’m chill” in their Facebook “About Me’s.” Take, for example, Dude_itsMikey’s tweet above. ….invite your sister too.” No one in the history of sex has ever said this, to my knowledge, and those who have said it were probably killed by the massive spider that their girlfriend uncontrollably turned into upon hearing it.
I’m not demeaning people who haven’t had sex yet. We’ve all been there. It was called “Middle School.” However, now that Twitter is in place, we can’t hide it anymore. At 13, I had no outlet to tell the world “#4Wordsbeforesex Your boobs are huge :)!” But now, with Twitter, everyone knows and no one can seem to regulate their brain to stop it. Twitter was invented around the time when I invented self-control, and that was perfect. Other people were not so lucky, and this story is dedicated to their personal failures.
Based on the previous paragraphs, you can assume what I thought I’d see. A lot of bad jokes from people who imagine that real vaginas look like paper towel tubing, and that it would be hilarious to poop the bed during climax.
Was I Right?
I’m right in the same way I’m usually right, which is always. People are idiots and there’s no way to stop them from pouring out their feelings into a computer, no matter how many times those feelings have stopped at holding hands in a movie theatre. This is an extremely popular tag, which makes me want to start other similar, more specific tags like “#4Wordsaftersoothingacryingfitwithpullingoveronthesideoftheroadandhavingsex” and #4Wordsbeforehefindsoutthatyouusedhimfordrinksandarenotgivinghiscoatback”
One thing I noticed, however, was the amount of Justin Bieber on the trend. After some research, which consisted of me typing “Justin Bieber” into Google and looking at the first headline, I found out that he has a paternity suit to deal with. I know that there have been a lot of jokes made about the boy, but putting him in this trend like this when he’s unsure about being a father to an unknown person feels like something that would complete an ancient prophecy. That’s just how much dedication to all things uncomfortable that the people who use social networking seem to have. After more research I discovered the actual prophecy.
Let the sky turn black
On the Twitter day
When the man-girl who sings
Can’t keep away
From the hot blood child
Came out the fan’s womb
And let blood pour from the clouds
And your flesh consumed
I didn’t make any of that up.
Ways To Use This Trend For Good:
Just be honest. Those aforementioned 10% need to put an end to jokes about how huge someone’s genitals are or how many girlfriends need to be called before you sleep with a not-girlfriend. For example:
Tweetzilla: #4Wordsbeforesex This doesn’t usually happen…..
Tweetzilla: #4Wordsbeforesex I’m really, really drunk
Tweetzilla: #4Wordsbeforesex My roommate’s not home
Tweetzilla: #4Wordsbeforesex Just shut the door
Tweetzilla: #4Wordsbeforesex I need more wine