The 5 People Who Hate Justin Bieber

Let me start this article by saying that this is not in defense of Justin Bieber. If it was, I probably would’ve misspelled something by now. Writing about how great he is would put me in the scale of lame somewhere between “Very” and “Platonic Girl Friend Braiding My Hair.” I simply don’t care about him, which was surprisingly easy to accomplish. I heard that there was a genre of “baby-faced teenager singing pop love songs” and I decided “Hm. Doesn’t sound like it’s for me.” My opinion of him stops there. And you should all follow my example, because it’s the right one.

Hate is good when it’s funny. When hate isn’t funny it leads to things like racism and racism-revenge killings. And a lot of people hate Justin Bieber in the most un-funny way possible. They can’t possibly not criticize him in a manner that makes me sigh and wish for meteors. The following is a list of those types of people, and, if you’re one of them, you should truly be ashamed of yourself. I’ve told people that they should be ashamed of themselves a lot on this blog, but that’s usually in context to uncontrollable problems like bed-wetting and being attracted to girls who want to have sex with trees. This time, I mean it. You have the power to not be a dumbass and to not update your Facebook with your latest Bieber revelation, but you do anyway. So this is for you, morons. I hope you look in the mirror, realize you’re flawed and change yourself because of it. I’m an inspiration.

The Older Person

Older people are genetically predisposed to not like anything that doesn’t have the world “Vietnam” or “pain relief” in it. They’re also predisposed to not be able to use computers, but they’ve been given that ability anyway, and your religious deity of choice weeps because of it. And with great power, comes great chances to misuse that power, leading to older people expressing their hate in ways that are embarrassing.

See that, he's laughing. At you.

Old people are supposed to say funny things. If you’re forty and up, and your post isn’t about how hard it is to not shit your pants, or a war time flashback being typed out, I don’t care. You have a job and maybe kids and wife by now. But for some reason, you can’t bear the thought of ending the day without telling us how we have “Justin Beeber” and you had “The Rolling Stones and classic music.” Why is it necessary for you to post this? Do you think you’re saving us from him, like we’ll see your status and say “The older person I friended out of awkward kindness thinks music today sucks. He has a point!” We don’t see it that way, so cut it out.

In conclusion, old people need to return to cartoonishly losing their glasses and telling stories about the Civil War. The internet is not for you. We don’t need to be saved from “Justin Beber” as much as we need to be saved from your contrived statuses. Show the wisdom that you’ve been stereotyped as having. I still believe in it.

The “Comedian”

Comedians walk the fine line between being funny and being overbearing and annoying. This applies to them in relationships and in comedy. “Comedians” walk the fine line between being overbearing and annoying, and being punched. The “comedian” is someone who makes the funniest statuses on your whole feed, usually with them comically critiquing an outdated news topic or saying something random. However, when Justin Bieber entered the spotlight, “comedians” had a field day, letting us in on all their witty retorts to someone’s stardom. Below is a contemplation of a few:

-His balls haven’t dropped yet! Lol

– He looks like a girl! Lol

– Lol

– I thought you had to actually have talent to be a singer….. Balls!

You get the idea. The “comedian” is someone who will probably never wake up to the realization that they’re being hated, and will continue on their path of respectability destruction until the end of time. I can’t save them from themselves. But you can, person who’s way to generous with “likes” on their News Feed.

The Person Who Re-Discovers The Internet

I’m under the assumption that there are a few people that constantly forget that the internet exists, and then, every few months, re-find it and are opened up to all the trends and topics that have become out-dated. You can identify them easily because they’re usually the ones telling people “Man, Bush was awful,” or “The vampires SPARKLE in Twilight. They’re not real vampires!” or asking “Why do people like M. Night Shyamalan?” Their idea of current events is how good “Inception” was, and that’s being generous. This person is much like the “comedian”, except they’re not trying to be funny.

Therefore, when they discover “the Beebs”, they can’t help but assume “Hey! This is some new shit! How?” and must tell everyone about it. We get it. Justin is young and his face looks like everyone I hated in middle-school got together and made love to lip gloss. But the time for that to be new news has passed. Go back to talking about more current topics, like the moon landing and Auschwitz.

The Person Who Can’t Get Over It

I have a lot of friends who post things repeatedly. Sometimes they’re mundane things like having to study more than one night in a row, or song lyrics from the same guy. If you think I’m talking about you, I probably am. A special class of these same people will post consecutively about stuff they don’t like, including how much they hate Beebarooni. If you think I’m talking about you now, I definitely am.

These are the people who love to make it known how much they miss whoever they just broke up with, or how many days they have until a certain well known event happens. So it’s only natural that they’d latch onto a bandwagon of hate and make it known, in a rapid, daily fashion, how much Justin Bieber perturbs them. Is it his hair or is it Selena Gomez or is it his hair in Selena Gomez’s face as they passionately make out while you pretend not to cry into your elbow? I don’t know for sure, but you’ll probably post about all three within the day, making your Facebook, Twitter and Google + a bonanza of what happens when there’s a “block” option and an itchy trigger finger.

This is by far the creepiest thing on the blog now. Check it!

Let me ask you something, repeated non-belieber. How many times have they said “I just want to be friends”? It’s okay. You can tell me.

The Musician

Do you want a reason to murder yourself? Ask a musician to criticize current music and get the car running in the garage. By the end of his tirade, and possible impromptu guitar playing session, you’ll be begging to have your ears made into a necklace so that you won’t have to hear it anymore.

Musicians hate Justin Bieber because he’s popular. They’ll ironically like a pair of children singing their ridiculously shitty rendition of “Superbass,” though. (I am talking about that video. If they sang well, I’d like them. They’re kids and they suck at what they do.) However, mention Justin Bieber and they’ll go into a rant about how he doesn’t deserve his success and that his lyrics are simple drivel and that he needs to die. I don’t know if they’ve noticed, but their deep, meaningful John Mayer knockoff lyrics aren’t really pulling in a fanbase. People like stuff that is catchy and rhythmic, and your profanity laden, sex-metaphor lonely ballad is about as rhythmic as the time when I tried to laugh between farts and someone interrupted me. Let Justin Bieber have his success. Enjoy your unpaid gig at the rec. center, and keep telling yourself that “It’s for promotion.”

And now, for making it through this, here’s Justin Bieber failing miserably. Treat yourself, reader. You earned it.

-Daniel

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4 responses to “The 5 People Who Hate Justin Bieber

  1. Yes, Daniel, this was funny. I certainly don’t hate The Bieb, even though I do talk a lot about pain relief and lose my glasses (or try to wear the driving glasses for reading and vice-versa). He’s cute! I would pet him, and feed him kibble.

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