Your Study Guide For Studying

I can assure you that my GPA was high. How else would I be this qualified to write facts on the internet? If I didn’t do well in school for about sixteen years, I would be laughed out of the blog-osphere. It takes a good “Education” portion of a resume to have enough clout to do what I do, and while most of you will resign yourself to whatever decent passion that you want to turn into a career and be happy with, a lot of you need that little extra push.

I didn’t study a lot, because I’m what people over history have referred to as “a natural genius.” Learning comes to me relatively simply, and rather than prepare for exams, I spent my time in much more worthwhile pursuits, like watching Piranha 3D or trying to get someone drunk enough to come back to my apartment and watch Piranha 3D with me. I lived life to the fullest and I succeeded because of it.

You’re not so lucky.

You have to spend countless hours and sleepless nights in the library, preparing for Spanish or History or “Physics” (is that what it’s called these days? I don’t know. The people who took “physics” usually had their heads dunked too far into a toilet for me to understand what they were saying.) You have to actually read your material and review the copious notes that you took in class. Sometimes you even form study groups where you pretend to get together with others and not watch Youtube videos for three hours until your study room time expires. You have to relearn MLA or APA format at the end of every semester, and I can smell your frustration over a document not auto-correcting your alphabetization of sources from here. It reeks. You have to worry over whether or not you’ll have to retake a course or whether you’ll graduate on time. It’s okay to admit it – normal people have problems too.

Comfy chair? More like "place you'll never attempt sex at again." Right fellas? Ehhhh?

I sympathize with you all. And that’s why I’ve taken up the burden of creating a study guide for studying. Now, a lot of study guides will include things like “Find yourself a comfy chair in a quiet room” and “Minimize distractions,” but those methods sound too much like suggestions on how to maintain arousal to be any good for study. At this current point in time, you’re all about to embark on Thanksgiving break, your last bit of time off before you throw yourself into the machinations of academic success. You need help fast and with these seven steps, you won’t have to worry about getting a good night’s sleep or eating a decent breakfast before an exam. You’ll be so adequately prepared that you might not even have to take the exam. No, this isn’t some sort of fantastical joke list. This is real life, and I’m about to help you get that “A,” through whatever means that come into my brain.

Study Tip 1: Don’t Worry And Settle

Studying isn’t the key to success and the first way to get over the hurdle of exams is to not care. Whether you pass or fail, it doesn’t matter. So what if you lose the chance to have the career of a lifetime. Every cloud has a silver lining. Didn’t make it into the Grad School of creative-writing that you wanted? I hear Macy’s is looking to hire a new copywriter. Didn’t pass your physical training certification test? Do you know how easy it is to become a masseuse? Spend a little at Bath And Body Works and gather the courage to work on a too comfortable, fifty-five year old man’s thighs. When you decide to settle for sixth-best, true happiness starts to lose its allure.

Study Tip 2: Wear A Cap And Gown To Your Exam

I don’t care if you’re a Freshman or a third-year Senior. This will show that you have confidence and an accept-no-bullshit attitude. Let everyone, professors and students alike, know that you won’t accept failure as an option. You will make it, because you’ve already bought the proper attire of “making it.” As you enter the classroom, try to hit at least three people with your swinging tassle when you walk by them. Then, at the end of the exam, throw your cap into the air, yell “EAT ME” and crotch-chop at the class. Then exit the room.

How do you like me now, GED?

Study Tip 3: Make An Ultimatum That You Can’t Fail

This is for those people who think Step 1 is “unreasonable.” Usually this step is resolved through you visiting the professor’s office two days before exam time and sobbing, but we’re not going to take that route here. What you’re going to do is make actual threats, or at least reference threats. It works with international terrorism and it will work here. For example, if it’s a statistics test, during class, let everyone know that “Statistically* speaking, this building has a seventy percent chance of burning down if I don’t get at least a B.” Or, if it’s weight lifting and you haven’t been able to will yourself out of bed for the whole semester, announce “You know, it would be a big WEIGHT* off my shoulders if I passed and didn’t have to go, you know, berserk on the faculty or anything like that.”

*Actual threats do not have to include the name of the class in them. They can be boring too.

Study Tip 4: Glorious Learning Disabilties

Remember that car accident you had in October? Of course you don’t! Because the impact of the crash gave you amnesia, hint hint. There’s no better time to break out a bizarre cognitive defect or learning disability then right before exam times. Let them know that you have scarred mental tissue that you were just too embarrassed to admit about at the beginning of the semester. Tell them about your HADHD (Hyper Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) and about how it doesn’t just ruin how you take notes, but how it has destroyed most of your life. And if the professor doesn’t believe you and makes you attempt the test anyway, no problem. If they don’t have the sympathy to take pity on an anxiety riddled, boat/human body collision victim, then they’ll rot in hell anyway.

Study Tip 5: Degrade yourself.

Work that rockin’ body. If you’ve ever seen any true-to-life teen stoner-at-school comedy, then you know that any professor is as easy to seduce as the fat guy in the same movie. Ladies, use what you have and taunt them. Wear low-cut stuff. Make sure your ass is very clearly visible when you bend over to pick up your mechanical pencil again. Arrange surprise sessions at the Professor’s office when he won’t expect it and when his wife won’t be home for at least an hour. Men, make like the one gender-neutral werewolf in the Twilight movies and grow an unreal set of abs. Lonely English teachers will go nuts about this, as they’ll get to relive their own unfulfilled prom night fantasies, except now it’s with someone who never made it past Chapter 3 of “Their Eyes Were Watching God.”

But, you might ask, what if I’m unattractive, or have back-ne, or both? My answer for that? It sucks and I’m sorry. Find some Proactive and someone to hold down your feet when you do sit ups and hope for the best.

Cause no one doesn't not like it.

Study Tip 6: Make Friends Fast

So, you might be “engaged” or have standards or whatever and won’t put up with performing the last tip. There’s a different, less successful way for you to try and pass, you moralistic nerds. Make friends with your professor. I know that it sounds like the synopsis for “Dead Poets Society” but professors are actual, needy people. They love talking about critically acclaimed HBO shows and getting drinks bought for them as much as you do. Treat your professor to a whiskey sour and a half-hour chat about the thematic weight of a “Game Of Thrones” episode and they’ll be eating out of your manipulative palm in no time. Plus, unlike real friends who have social networking and feelings, you can drop them as soon as you’ve made your C-. They won’t mind, because there’s a whole new generation of gin and tonic buyers coming in next year to look forward to.

Study Tip 7: Cheat And Cheat Often

This one speaks for itself. If you’re not man or woman enough to know how to cheat well, you’re not man or woman enough to graduate. The real world isn’t made for people who don’t know how to lie about copying a scantron sheet. You have to take good people and break their limp, metaphorical wrists if you want to survive. Start your survival with your next exam.

See how much better you feel already? Now go ruin whatever chance you had at failure. I’m counting on you.

Piranha 3DD bites into theatres in 2012.


4 responses to “Your Study Guide For Studying

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