The Literary Review is dedicated to exposing the worst things about combinations of words. I don’t know the percentage of people in the world that can read and write, but I do know that 98% of those people are verifiably stupid and that 99% of those verified absolutely have to bring their stupidity to the public light. Having said that, I don’t mean to insult the writer, but the words they have written. So, if you’re a writer and you see this and think, “Hey, that’s not fair,” don’t blame me. It was you who wrote the dumb shit in the first place.
In countries where Christmas isn’t celebrated, holiday music is usually known as “Songs For Seniors To Die To.” Christmas music, if you’ve ever been lucky enough to have not heard it, is usually the inane and December 25th-related ramblings of A) Someone famous enough to not get stab-beaten for making that kind of garbage or B) Someone who’s about to be stab-beaten. However, in .0007% of the cases of people who strum guitars with the sole intent of a possible homicide, there are those who survive. In the 1300’s, rulers would have had these people impaled on stakes on the sides of roadways, labeled “warlocks.” In the now’s, we call them The Dirty Boyz.
I won’t claim to be an expert on the Boyz. Listening to their music is the equivalent of telling yourself that taking a claw hammer to the skull won’t be as bad the third time around. However, I am an expert on their one Christmas piece, a tune that takes a stereotype and runs with it. The racial generalizing is legitimately so awful that older white women complain about the album’s haircut and then wonder what it feels like to touch. The title of this tribute to exaggerated attributes? “All I Want For Christmas, Is To Get It Crunk.” With a name like that, racists were surprised to find out that when you downloaded the MP3, watermelon seeds didn’t shoot out of their lap top’s disc drive. It’s a title that makes me ashamed of my ability to read.
Here’s the song and a link to its lyrics. Be warned though, as every holiday memory you’ve ever had is about to get nightmare-raped.
You’re back. Take a minute to stretch and make sure that your pets are still alive. Okay. Let’s take an academic look at this masterpiece of “eat shit, Santa.”
The first verse is a list of what the Boyz want for Christmas.
“…All I want for Christmas
24’s are better y’all
A t-mobile sidekick
My own Gucci sweater, dog
And I want some soldieries
A mouth full of tooth and a fresh black tee
Belvedere on Christmas day
Courvoisier on Christmas Eve…”
The purposes of this part of the verse are simple. It’s used to show that the Boyz are very materialistic, and it’s used to make sure that white people are using their Google search. Call me a regular patron of Starbucks, but what does this even mean? “Soldieries”? “A mouth full of tooth”? Sorry, Gandalf. I think we’ll just stick with getting you your now outdated cell phone.
“….St. Nick better call me back
Both places on the rap….”
I know exactly how this call to St. Nick went and I transcribed it in its entirety below.
The Dirty Boyz: Santa! It’s the Boyz, ya know?
“…Dashin through the snow, in a stolen Chevrolet
With my broken taillight, ridin’ dirty all the way
Sippin’ Hennessy, thinkin’ bout my Christmas needs,
Bendin’ corners while I’m smokin’ on them Christmas trees.”
The second verse we will break down piece by piece, as this is when the 18-wheeler sized stereotype comes barreling in through your speakers and ruins any hope that you might have had for an afterlife. Stolen cars, ridin’ dirty, drinking Hennessy and the too clever “Christmas trees” pun? I’m surprised that no one instinctively screamed “GUCCI” while the microphone was turned on. Oh, they already had a Gucci reference earlier? My bad, moronic song lyrics. My bad.
“…can you make them two felonies on my record disappear
All I want for Christmas is peace in the hood….”
Yes, because a fictional character of holiday lore is best known for removing criminal acts from your stupid, stupid song. I’m surprised that writing lyrics this terrible wasn’t the third felony. This also kind of puts a damper on the following line where you ask for peace in the hood. I’ve seen two Spike Lee movies, and I’m pretty sure that the way you obtain this peace is through actually working towards it and not, you know, ridin’ dirty with your broken tail light. It’s only karmic that anyone who ever enjoyed this song is having their head squashed with a tire right now, with that tire hopefully being attached to a non-stolen Chevrolet.
“Mister mister Santa Claus, can I get a ho-ho-ho
With a body like Serena Williams, under my mistletoe…”
There’s no one in the world who hasn’t made a “ho-ho-ho” joke before. No one. People on Christopher Columbus’ ship groaned when he made the same line over 500 years ago. I’m thoroughly shocked that after this song was recorded, there wasn’t intensive audio editing to cut out the sound of the producer blowing his own head off.
“….I’ll do it like Billy Bob Thornton did ‘cause I’m working with a monster ball…”
Thank god. A line that white teens can repeat into the ground.
“….and every pair of Jordan’s Nike ever made…”
Yeah, we’ll get to that Boyz, just as soon as we’re finished sweeping your hood.
“…and is there any kind of way, my back child support can get paid?”
Wait. The massive amounts of residuals that you were assured to make through this song’s record-breaking success won’t pay for measly child support? How many illegitimate kids do you have, Boyz? One?
“…All I want for Christmas is to kick it wit’ dem’ Dirty Boyz
Moanin’, groanin’, playin’ with my naughty toys
Happy holidays to all my girls up in here
Have a merry Christmas and a crunk new year….”
I feel bad for whatever art school student or struggling corner performer (ho) that they coerced into singing these four lines. She’s forced to say that all she wants is to hang around with the rappers who sharted so hard that somehow, a Christmas song came out. Judging from how well-known this song became, all she probably got for Christmas is a clinic check and a free dinner at Applebee’s. “All your girls up in here”? I assure you, that if any girls are listening to this song, it’s because their boyfriends have an ironic sense of humor.
“WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, IS TO GET IT CRUNK!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS TO, GET IT GET IT CRUNK!”
This is the type of chorus that Hitler would’ve forced an army of soldiers to march to had he lived to see the invention of the modern stupid. It’s so mindless that, in some hospitals, it’s required that those who are about get a hearing aid listen to it, just to be sure.