Twitter has never been quite sure how to handle its aggression, because it’s not exactly positive in knowing who else uses it. On one hand, we could consider this an active attempt to strike out against people. We could repossess the dignity lost when we were busy telling no one in particular about occupying Wall Street or how much we’ve wanted Chick fil’ A on a, and this is crazy, Sunday. However, on the other hand, this could be the same old shit that everyone is used to: statements directed at an anonymous person that they’ll never see and thus, never care about. After further study, I came across the answer.
It was the second. Once again, Twitter manages to be so angsty and irrelevant towards real life that it actually enters some fantasy realm, where problems are solved by just thinking about them and people change completely based upon how much someone types into a fucking keyboard. I’ve thought about what would happen if I entered The Evil Dead universe and how many supernatural things I’d have to beat the shit out of. However, incredulously, to this day, I still don’t have a chainsaw hand and I’ve never said “Groovy” un-ironically once. Dreams don’t come true through these methods, Twitter. They come true through hard work, and often that isn’t enough. Unless you’re a Kardashian or someone equally famous, in which case you could say “My handbag is like my vagina. I put more lipstick in it when I’m bored” and you’d be set for life.
Was I Correct?
My abilities to detect when I’ll be right have grown with age. As a child, I had no concept of whether or not I’d end up correct. Would this Pepsi be flat? Seven-year-old me had no clue. Twenty-two-year-old me knows now though, that since that Pepsi has been sitting on the counter for about a month-and-a-half, a third of the way full, it’s probably flat. To make a long story short, yes. Again, I pulled a Nostradamus and was able to say “What is “People Don’t Change And You’re Maybe Retarded, Twitter,” Alex.”
Take DeltaLife_Mike for instance. Mike (or DLM as his close friends call him, often saying “Keep it on the DL, Mike!” much to Mike’s chagrin. This was invented following a drunken incident where Mike screamed “I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. THAT SHIT IS IT. THAT’S ALL” at a Cook Out cashier) states an age old problem that guys feel and will explain to anyone who is as bored as they are.
If you’ve never been to 9th grade or have never known someone who’s played Skyrim, apparently there is a big problem that ALL women have. They just date the same type of dudes. Those bitches, right? Dating people who make them happy and comfortable while leaving your emotionally stunted carcass to wonder where it went wrong with all those diet Mountain Dews. How could women not see the greatness in you? What is the best way to express your frustration? You could attempt to form something meaningful with someone, you know, like a normal human would. No, that’s for gays or nerds.
I know! You could tell them to #CutItOut through Twitter! There’s no way that won’t work! There have to be plenty of women out there who obsessively read Twitter trends and have just gotten enough time between amazing sex sessions with the guy they’re with to say to themselves, “This isn’t what I want.” Then they’d see guys like Mike and say “Holy shit. I understand the error of my ways now. I’ll drop everything that I like about men and go out with the guys who deserve it. Well, I like a sense of humor, someone who’s smart and athletic and charming, as every female does. Screw that. Let’s find someone who’s none of those things. Oh, more great sex? Well, if I have to. But this is the last time, I swear. HOLD ON, MIKE.”
What do these people expect? And it’s not just in the previous scenario. “People are mean. #CutItOut.” “People are immature and it bothers me. #CutItOut.” Welcome to your first step into the real world, Tweeters. You know, the world where everything doesn’t conform to your borderline autistic attempts to categorize everything into “I Love It” and “Does Not Exist.” Call me though, when you’re ideal earth is created. However, considering that I probably hate you, when you see me, I’ll be telekinetically combusted.
How To Use This Trend For Good
I had to rack my brain to think of a way that this could be turned into a positive. On one hand, people could be sarcastic and say things like “A malignant tumor. #CutItOut.” However a decent amount beat me to the punch on that one.
There was only one solution, and that was to fight fire with fire.
So #CutItOut, #CutItOut.