The Literary Review: Facebook Jesus Meets Santa

The Literary Review is dedicated to exposing the worst things about combinations of words. I don’t know the percentage of people in the world that can read and write, but I do know that 98% of those people are verifiably stupid and that 99% of those verified absolutely have to bring their stupidity to the public light. Having said that, I don’t mean to insult the writer, but the words they have written. So, if you’re a writer and you see this and think, “Hey, that’s not fair,” don’t blame me. It was you who wrote the dumb shit in the first place.

I won’t say that I don’t like people. However, I tend to hate most of them. I’m not sure whether it’s biological or if I’m a robot, but people tend to annoy me in ways that seem absolutely fine to most others. For example, when they repost statuses like this on Facebook.

Reposting a status is like a last ditch effort against creativity. The kid in grade school who spent a majority of the project time not picking between colors, but being unable to grasp the concept of picking a color? They’re now doing things like this – taking poorly worded, generally biased statements and letting us know that they agree with them, and so should we. To my memory, I’ve never seen one of these reposts that I agreed with, much less one that seemed in the least bit inspired or well put together. But that’s the point, right? No? Well, consider me stumped, stupids.

Before I begin, let me state that the focus of this is not to disprove Christianity or God or anything like that. If you find this article to be an attack on your deity, then you’re probably one of the people who posted this nonsense.

Jesus: Santa. Santa: Yes? Jesus: I’m sad. Santa: Why are you sad? It’s Christmas right? It’s your … … birthday! Jesus: Yeah. That’s the point … … Santa: Why? Jesus: because whenever its Christmas the kids only wait for you and not me! They only celebrate Christmas because of you! Why Santa, why not Jesus? -Dec. 25 is for Jesus not for Santa. Repost if You Believe in Jesus ! P.S He Knows You Looked – Deny me in front your friends and I will deny you in front of my father.

Christmas was nice until idiots came along.

I have nothing against religion. The teen who posted this did, but they just don’t know it yet. The person who wrote this can’t be any older than a teenager, by the way. I won’t believe it if they are. Anyone over twenty who is this dumb would’ve been mauled to death by their own persuasive, talking dog by now.  Asking the teen who originally wrote this to defend Christianity is like asking the cast of Teen Mom to give a speech on the dangers of mouth herpes. It doesn’t seem like a good idea on paper, and when executed, it only ends up much, much worse.

It starts out with Facebook Jesus coming to Santa for moral support. This is the first in a line of character flaws that Jesus is primarily not known for. Low self-esteem. Jesus had self-esteem dripping off of him, if I recall correctly. He was nailed to a massive piece of wood and tortured, and still managed to be more Terminator 2 than screaming victim. However, this Jesus needs to that little extra push when it comes to believing in himself. And luckily enough, he has Santa there to put up with his whiny ass.

Why is Jesus coming to Santa for support anyway? If I’m not mistaken, Jesus’ support circle usually includes himself and the most powerful omniscient being in the universe. Asking Santa for a helping hand is like me asking Green Lantern (who still isn’t real in this scenario) if I can have help with winning over a hot waitress who I thought said something about “Zombie” when she actually never did. It’s a useless effort.

I feel bad for Santa, now that I know what he has to put up with.

So Facebook Jesus explains his problem to Santa who seems perplexed. It’s Christmas and it’s your birthday, Jesus! You should be throwing Coors Light cans at police cars right now! But Jesus says:

“…That’s the point….”

I don’t know if I believe that Jesus used ellipsis or a dramatic pause in any point in his life. Once again, I’m not biblical scholar, but I don’t remember hearing of the passage where Jesus sighed “I don’t know man. I just… like her, you know…..” and he doesn’t get the leeway to use that shit here. If Jesus doesn’t exclaim everything with a thunder crash and a panther scream, then those years of Sunday School certainly did not pay off.

Here’s the part where Facebook Jesus gets really annoying. Facebook  users are famous for their abilities to complain and not make any sense. The logic presented here is, if they do it, then Jesus must do it too!

“…The kids wait for you and not me! They only celebrate Christmas because of you!…”

Jeez, Jesus. Didn’t your Dad make this huge point about jealousy or something? And why do you care anyway? Apologies for not telling centuries of children that it wasn’t Santa but YOU that came down the chimney and delivered presents all along. We’ve made a huge mistake. Make sure that in the next edition of the bible, we add a chapter called “Revised Holiday Traditions,” which not only includes these changes, but the part where Jesus whined so much that Kwanzaa disappeared and an island full of Jewish people sank into the ocean.

After this, the narrator comes out to present their own, useless opinion.

…“Why Santa, why not Jesus? December 25 is for Jesus not for Santa…”

Did whoever wrote this imagine Christmas as an attack on his religion? It’s like he’s made a bomb shelter to protect his faith against the upcoming Christ-pocalypse, except the only materials he had were misplaced ideals and the memories of long-gone friends. Then the writer proceeds to tell us to repost, and then, inserts my favorite statement in the entire paragraph.

“…P.S He Knows You Looked….”

Oh damn.

I’m sorry, Facebook Jesus, for not reposting this moron’s status. I know that you saw me reading and I know you saw me laugh and call my computer an idiot. I meant nothing by it. Really. I never assumed that you were this “1984”-esque totalitarian ruler who made sure that social networking sites were going exactly in your favor.

…Deny me in front your friends and I will deny you in front of my father.”

Wait. Is this Facebook Jesus talking, or the narrator? In the case of the former, I sincerely don’t think he cares about the repost. If it’s the latter, I have truly sinned.

-Daniel

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5 responses to “The Literary Review: Facebook Jesus Meets Santa

  1. Oh goodness, I can’t stand those “repost if you believe in Jesus” statuses. Their quoting of “I will deny you before my Father” is also extremely out of context. The whole thing is just pathetic.

    I used to repost them out of guilt back in the age of myspace. Now I just sigh and roll my eyes. In all honesty, I think Jesus responds to them in a similar way.

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