If you’ve read anything that I’ve ever written, than you know that Twitter could be labeled “legally disabled.” It’s so full of idiots that I’m amazed it hasn’t come alive and protested an abortion clinic yet. It never fails to surprise me, and I use surprise loosely. Not a surprise as in “Wow!” but surprise as in “Well there’s no coming back from that one.” People often make a point that humanity is in a battle with itself, and Twitter has proven that when it comes down to something like humanity, we are kicking our ass.
I expected #PlacesIveHadSex to be so awkward that I might actually attempt to hook up with an inanimate object of some kind, just to see if there could indeed be something more awkward than it. Twitter’s population of fourteen -year-old non-spellers, and people who type like them has been on a steady increase since forever, and with the power of this tag, they could let us decipher just exactly where they fingered their first fellow idiot. And believe me, if you let yourself have sexual contact with someone who used the tag #PlacesIveHadSex, than you are an idiot. Have fun being frustrated by Facebook chat, you dolts.
I also expected there to be the usual suspects who inadvertently(?) ruin any Twitter tag. Harry Potter creepy-isms, some moronic jokes about Twilight and Tyler Perry in drag, bellowing out whatever statement he can as he attempts to botch his saving throw for dignity. I also expected a few people to reach out and “white knight” the subject. For those who are on the internet for the first time, congrats! This is the only website you’ll ever need. Google.com is a virus page. “White knighting” is when people try to “save” those on the internet who they feel are being wronged or making poor decisions. Usually these decisions involve self-harm or drug use or believing that a made-up girl wants sex because you draw a hedgehog poorly. I actually wanted a brave group to speak out against the “whores” and “freshmen” of Twitter; to save souls and push back the darkness. Because in the end, Twitter will look up and shout “Save us!” and I’ll whisper “I FUCKING TRIED.”
Was I Correct
Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a half-human cyborg, my other half being comprised of dinosaur bones and Atilla The Hun. However, I’m not perfect. Sorry guys. Every once in a while, I get stuff a little wrong. If I was perfect, the “EVERY (HOT) WOMAN DANIEL POWERED ORGASM BOT” would be working by now, and the fourth planet from the sun would be named “Red Dead Redemption.”
There was hardly any white knighting, and if it was present, it was very half-hearted. A lot of people had simply accepted that the souls of teenagers were being eaten by Tweet Vultures, and only made a lazy effort to grab a feather or two. All the other things I said though? I was so right! But that was a given, because after months of Twitter analysis, I’ve eventually come to accept that everyone is dumb except for me and whoever I’m currently dating at the time.
#PlacesIveHadSex is the kind of idea that someone comes up with when they discover that masturbating wakes up the demons. It’s a last ditch effort to save whatever remnants of sexuality they’ve had by proving themselves, and since so many people post so much on Twitter, their sexuality has been limited to:
A) Wondering what sex is like.
B) Wondering what sex with a real person is like.
A better display of sexuality would be to go into a Wal-Mart with an erection and point to it whenever someone walks by. Talking about any kind of sex on the internet is very subjective. It leans mostly towards the “bad” and “horrifying” and when you tell people to list where they’ve gotten laid, you’re going to wind up with something that looks like it should be read when you try and sacrifice a grandparent. I also won’t try to say that whoever started this had any sense of humor, because if you think that telling the internet where you’ve had sex is funny, then you’re one step away from becoming a screaming Banshee in Chelsea Handler’s vagina.
How To Use This Tag For Good
Since so much of what people write online is hilarious, I hesitate to say that something I think of is funny. However, for the good of mankind, I think the tag #PlaceIveHadSexWith is a great idea.*
*If you were expecting something deeper for a conclusion, I’m not sorry. Go back to wondering how to download all the free songs off Spotify and fail forever.
**Someone spelled “clearly” like “klearly.” You were right, outdated phrasing. School is klearly for fools.