The Literary Review: are your texts :) or :(?

Setting feminism back to caveman times, it's Seventeen!

The Literary Review is dedicated to exposing the worst things about combinations of words. I don’t know the percentage of people in the world that can read and write, but I do know that 98% of those people are verifiably stupid and that 99% of those verified absolutely have to bring their stupidity to the public light. Having said that, I don’t mean to insult the writer, but the words they have written. So, if you’re a writer and you see this and think, “Hey, that’s not fair,” don’t blame me. It was you who wrote the dumb shit in the first place

I won’t give a reason why I was reading the February 2012 issue of Seventeen magazine. The 100 + “amazing” new outfits all looked about as appealing as a taco that screams in broken Spanish when you bite it, and I don’t know who Demi Lovato is, but her fresh start didn’t exactly hold up my interest enough for me to get past the title “Demi Lovato’s Fresh Start.” However, as I skimmed through the pages, ignoring Seventeen’s attempts to turn me into a girl who in between slobbering her own tears barely remembers that her hands aren’t food, I found an article that caught my interest. One about text messaging, written by someone who doesn’t quite grasp the intricacies behind a “phone.”

It was called “are your texts 🙂 or :(?” which is a title I’d give something right before I blamed the suicide on my English minor. The line to describe this masterpiece? “Are you sending your crush the wrong message-literally?!?” I know that Seventeen isn’t written for me and that I’m far from its main demographic, but I can appreciate the maliciousness of its attempt to turn girls stupid. I’d like to contribute my own similar descriptions if you don’t mind. For example, a picture of a fifteen-year-old Asian girl holding a totes cute purse, with the caption “Did you stuff your family’s souls in there too-for real?!?” or a drawing of someone putting blush on their stomach and below it, “MAKING BABY PRETTY ALREADY!”

This article was created in the form of a quiz, in which you checked off boxes that you feel apply to you. In the end, you count up which color of boxes that you checked most and you find out what kind of text-messaging personality you have, which is about as useful as finding out what 1300’s offshoot of the Bubonic plague you would be or the number of small turtles you can fit inside a bigger turtle. You could either be “you’re not connecting!” or “you’re overthinking it!” or “you’re a textpert!” which is the nickname you laughingly give someone right before you get done sealing them behind a brick wall for eternity. The answers were of no importance to me though. I already know what kind of texter I am, and the answer is a fourth choice “Enough of one.” The descriptions of texting practices were my main concern.

Someone legitimately made this. Like, with their bodies, on their own will.

Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against Elisa Benson, who wrote this pile. I’m sure that in between getting stood up for dates and trying in vain to make the sign language for “HELP” noticeable to the people outside, she writes perfectly mediocre things. Things like relatable essays about make-up and boys and what style of coat is going to momentarily add purpose back into your life before you realize that you’ve never had friends and the dream is ending. So Elisa, this isn’t a shot at you. But, you are a moron.

You respond to texts automatically-dashing off “lmfao!” without thinking twice about it.

I don’t know anyone who does that. “lmfao” is the universal symbol for “Yes! Jokes? I’m an idiot!” and to respond blindly to every text with it seems like something you’d do if you just found out that you were left out of a dying relative’s will and they were the only one who knew your number.

When you’re texting someone you like, you play it cool-no overdosing on the exclamation points!

Is your exclamation point at the end of this sentence ironic? I can’t concentrate over the sound of women’s suffrage being revoked. And doesn’t everyone try to not use a lot of exclamation points? Otherwise my friends would get a lot of “I’m down for CiCi’s Pizza!!!!”

You’re constantly adding a flirty wink to your messages. You need to make your point! 😉

Okay, you were being ironic. I give you back some credit. That doesn’t stop this from being utterly pointless though. Constantly adding a wink? I guess when you’re fourteen, the best advice you can get is “You must sex them now, and fast! Quickly, before your eyes dissolve! Sex and sex and sex!”

Whenever you have that awkward moment when you’re not sure what a text means, you just write back “Ha!

Yeah, because it’s better to seem fucking nuts than to belittle yourself with a “what?”

One of your flirtexting tricks is to disappear mid-convo to leave the other person wanting more.

I hate to call something very, very homo, but as soon as I typed “flirtexting” into Word, my computer suddenly transformed into a large penis wearing a vest. It’s good to appear somewhat aloof when flirting with people, but it’s stupid etiquette to just quit talking altogether. Good job, Seventeen, for telling girls that, if you really like a dude, show it by cutting off contact completely and hoping that he hasn’t discovered his own genitals yet.

You’re not exclusive. You’re always talking to multiple hotties at one time!

And by hotties, you mean ground beef made of children torsos, right, Elisa? I don’t want to say that this sounds creepy, but I’d be getting better vibes right now if a ghost started raping me.

You’ve thought about “accidently” sending your crush a text for someone else, just to break the ice.

This is a fucking stupid plan. I hate to say it, but the best way to get a guy’s interest is usually to say “Hey” and not to say “Stop eating my foot, Atticus! I’ll feed you next October!” followed by “Ha! Sorry, that was for my boa constrictor! The abyss is wonderful!”

Sometimes you show texts to friends to get input on what your crush really means, or how you should respond.

Okay, the eye of the storm I see. Are the pills finally kicking in Elisa? Or did your editor finally decide to smother you with a pillow?

You love to send picture texts to your crush when you see something funny.

I just breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe there is hope.

The best way to get to know a person is by playing text games, like 20 questions.

This one is color coded to lead you to “you’re not connecting” and that’s being extremely generous. This shouldn’t be an option at all, because there’s not a hormone in the human body that reacts positively to “Animal or plant?”

When you trade numbers with cuties you’re into, you definitely wait for them to text you first.

I’m sorry, Elisa, but this is the second time that you’ve used an attraction-based term of endearment, and all that comes to my mind is someone screaming on a meat hook. Does your husband have to recite curses in Latin every time he wants out of the pet carrier?

If someone stopped texting you suddenly, it doesn’t bug you-you make a point not to read into that stuff.

The last one is, well, kind of normal. However, it says a lot when, out of 12 things that people could do, only 3 of them have any logical place in society. Girls who take this quiz are literally signing themselves up for four divorces and a lifetime of saying “Silly kitty! Ice cream is people food!”

The subscription you buy when a proud mother simply wants her daughter dumber.

-Daniel

For the next journey into the void, see is he FEELING IT or FAKING IT?

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4 responses to “The Literary Review: are your texts :) or :(?

  1. Thank you, and most especially for those amazing analogies (…totes cute purse, caption: “Did you stuff your family’s souls in there too-for real?!?” or a drawing of someone putting blush on their stomach and below it, “MAKING BABY PRETTY ALREADY!”)

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