Valentine’s Day is a special day if you’re 14 and an idiot. I don’t mean to say that everyone who likes Valentine’s Day, or cares at all, is dumb, but you’re better off wondering about why plastic fruit doesn’t transform into real fruit when you bite it, and other more pressing issues. Valentine’s Day tends to bring out the “romance” and loneliness in a lot of people, and only two of those things are annoying. However, I’ll leave the first half to their once-a-year bouquet of roses and guilty chocolate binges, and direct aim at the other side.
Some single people tend to view Valentine’s Day as an attack on whatever needy, unresolved issues they have, which is like hating sex because it’s not leftovers for dinner. No one hates you because you have the emotional mindset of someone who thinks that girlfriends magically appear, Firefly box set in hand, ready to mud wrestle. Valentine’s Day wasn’t invented with the idea that “Man, you know who this will really piss off? People who probably will never have wives. Take that, Eduardo. Keep spooning that pile of old wash clothes.”
This article will deal with the six types of people who complain about Valentine’s Day. If you fit into any of these categories, I’m glad. It’s rare to see such a breed of localized stupid, when you’re so absolutely average for the rest of the year. Then again, if you’re the kind of person who hates Valentine’s Day in public, remember that “Valentine’s” starts with a “V.” Sound it out. It’s kinda tricky!
Type 1) The Anti-Consumerist
As if they even give a shit about the greeting card, chocolate box and candle lit dinner markets. “Valentine’s Day just forces people to buy stuff.” Congratulations on figuring out Cupid-dressed-in-business-formal’s master plan. Do you also have to give yourself three reasons every day why you shouldn’t self-mutilate, and fail to come up with anything past “Can you eat a fart?” He wants them to buy all the heart-shaped things out there and part them with the money that they would’ve spent on a Call Of Duty Expansion Pack.
The people in this category are trying really hard to not tell people about the time that the sight of a couple holding hands tried to grope their ass on a subway. Informing people you hate Valentine’s Day because it forces you to pay for things is scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to “I NEED A FACEBOOK STATUS AND I NEED ONE NOW.” The logic behind it is so flawed that I’m surprised Newt Gengrich hasn’t made it a reason about why it was okay to sleep with every woman ever. And Newt has a lot of those reasons, most of them starting with “my love-snake’s needs” and ending with “hunting people for sport.”
Type 2) The Forever Alone
This meme, like many abrasive robot overlords before it, has taken on a greater popularity in the common world, much to the chagrin of the common world. You watched a movie on a Friday night? FOREVER ALONE. Sat by yourself at a restaurant? FOREVER ALONE. If I took every internet slogan that barely applied to my life and started using it in the most relevant situations I could find, I wouldn’t be able to pull the excess lettuce off a burger without asking myself “U MAD?” It’s simple, easy to remember and it makes most of us hate you. It should’ve stayed in its special circumstances, but, thanks to ponytails everywhere, it’s sprung up to tell Valentine’s Day what’s what. And its method consists of a jpeg and the subconscious hope that people will see it, just as soon as they forget how to read.
Type 3) Regular Sad Single Folk
This seems similar to the Forever Alone’s but it has one key difference: the frequency. The Forever Alone finds Valentine’s Day to be just an amplification of the case he’s trying to make constantly: no one will ever love him, which is true. If you use FOREVER ALONE, whatever your concept of love is should be replaced by the sudden Karate skill fantasy you have of protecting a girl who’s getting boned by someone else right now. Something that will never happen. Sorry, losers, but you just woke up to fate pissing in your Rockstar energy drinks.
The Sad Single Folk, however, usually doesn’t complain about being single that often. However, a switch in their brain goes off on Valentine’s Day and suddenly it’s 0-to-Lonely MPH. They now have to let everyone know how sad they are that, for one day a year, all the other people in the world are cuddling on rose petals. This is probably the least annoying category as, odds are, they’ll come to their senses quickly, mostly because they’re normal. And normal people have the ability to take things in stride, while people who hate Valentine’s Day are looking at their ex-boyfriend’s photo albums. Right. Now. Enjoy your wine in bed/computer date, sad ones.
Type 4) That One Hot Girl
These are the kind of people that post things like “My boyfriend does this really funny thing where he doesn’t exist.” And like moths to a flame with a tan and D-cup, the misspelled comments pile on, full of men who “would take u out” and say things like “awww we should chil sometime….” or “i think ur beautiful.” The best place to hit on an acquaintance is through their faux sad statuses, as it not only shows someone that you don’t care if you sound creepy, but it also shows that you have no understanding of the “getting laid process,” with the exception of your traditional post-sex apologizing.
Better yet, the hot girl in question may even post about how it’s “Singles Awareness Day” which is a name weird people gave Valentine’s Day when they realized that you can’t force someone to love you, no matter how many ropes you use. Of course, like “Forever Alone” it spread like wildfire. But this girl has a beautiful body and…sniff…a beautiful soul too, kinda. For it to be “Singles Awareness Day,” she would have to be feeling alone and probably scared for her life in this awful, couples driven atmosphere. She shouldn’t have to go through that. Twenty-nine-year-olds at the college bar, help her!
Type 5) The Chivalrous Guy
Mentioned in the last type, these guys deserve a brief description. They don’t hate Valentine’s Day per say (however they may overlap with type 3), but if they see a girl going through some emotional hurting, all ‘cause of that damned dirty February 14th, they’ll be there to catch her in their emotionally one-dimensional arms. It doesn’t matter if they’ve never talked to her before, (but they swore that they saw her in their bio lab, lol), the fact that she’s feeling bad on this most lovely of days means that she’s vulnerable, and easy pickings for stupid compliments and frustrated attempts at flirting. It’s never not worked, right?
Type 6) “It’s Just A Day” Guy
Dear Guy Who Is This Guy,
“Come on! February 14th is just a day. What does it matter?” I’m glad you think so when the masses obviously do not. I can see your point, and offer you another valid opinion: shut up. Why do you feel the need to let everyone know how much one day doesn’t matter? That’s like Batman fighting crime and explaining it away as “I just like, you know, punching people.” Did you take her hug a little bit too seriously? She laid her head on your shoulder during that one movie and when you went to hold her hand, she pulled away? You’re not fooling anyone. I’m glad that you’re still hanging onto whatever grudge you have against shallow happiness, because it’s ten times more entertaining when you mask it with phrases like “It’s nothing special” when you really mean “Her boyfriend doesn’t deserve her. She’s better than that.”