The Literary Review: the boys who

The Literary Review: the boys who

The Literary Review is dedicated to exposing the worst things about combinations of words. I don’t know the percentage of people in the world that can read and write, but I do know that 98% of those people are verifiably stupid and that 99% of those verified absolutely have to bring their stupidity to the public light. Having said that, I don’t mean to insult the writer, but the words they have written. So, if you’re a writer and you see this and think, “Hey, that’s not fair,” don’t blame me. It was you who wrote the dumb shit in the first place

I believe I’ve found the lamest thing on the internet.

I use the word “lame” very freely. Usually it applies to anything that doesn’t match my interests, which, to some, makes me appear close-minded, but actually only makes you less cool. Here, lame is an objective term, as I legitimately hate anyone who finds what I’m about to show you even remotely appealing. Are you ready? I was not.

the boys who

Tumblr has always been a mixed bag. I did a post a while ago about those “emotional words on a meaningful background” posts that sub-humans seem to be such fans of, and when it’s not being used for that, it can actually be kinda cool. However, there aren’t enough reposts of Creature From The Black Lagoon set photos to justify it as an entirely good cause, and thus Tumblr joins the ranks of Robocop 2 and the chicken finger. There’s good in them, but not enough to gain 100% approval.

“the boys who” is a Tumblr built around the phrase “the boys who,” or sometimes, “the guys who.” This change in noun was most likely due to the fact that if you’re creating Tumblr posts like these, you’re lucky if you don’t identify your parents as “wild strangers to be eliminated” every time you see them. They are all pictures with words on them, words that describe what things great “boys” do. Scrolling through these is both an excellent time waster and an excellent way to test new ways to get your brain to cut off oxygen to itself.

I don’t know the demographic of “the boys who”, but I imagine that it’s females whose idea of a good relationship is a boyfriend who apologizes after sleeping with their sister. Sometimes the statements on the photos are so general that I’m surprised there are enough women around to be fans of it, since those not around were already ripped to shreds when their boyfriends took a more natural wolverine form. And other times, the statements are so displaced from reality that it seems like a practical joke on the internet, luring women into liking it before surprising them with a second lobotomy. “the boys who” is a thing invented by people so lonely that they’d gone crazy. And this is not the kind of crazy where they stuff pillow cases full of bones and pretend to “feed baby,” but the kind of crazy where they imagine things that would happen if they weren’t insane and had someone to care for them. And as we know, a crazy’s idea of not-crazy is the weirdest thing of all.

the guys who drives well

Or maybe, “the guys who proofread.” Obviously written by someone who thinks that grammar is just a synonym for “headache,” this is a great one to start off with. Really? You think that a guy driving well is something special? Did your previous boyfriend spend just as much time driving as he did getting towed out of ditches? I don’t know when the stereotype for “guy” was mixed up with the stereotype for “woman,” “Asian,” “old person,” or “blind,” but this statement is dumb enough to set someone back a grade.

Oh come on, you're not even trying.

 the boys who help you with your homework

Aw, that’s sweet. It’s always nice when a boy replies “Yes” to “Will you help me with my homework?” rather than the usual “KNEEL BEFORE ZOD, WENCH.”

the boys who accept your imperfections

Ohhh, so that’s why girls don’t like me. This whole time, I was supposed to be “accepting” them. That makes sense. I had been wondering why they looked sad every time I said “Good morning, friendless acne whale.”

the boys who want to get married

I imagine that every conversation about marriage with the girl who writes these goes something like this:

Girl: What do you think about marriage?

Boy: I don’t really think it’s for me.

Girl: (bladed octopus tentacles burst from her sides)

Boy: (screams)

the boys who don’t act differently when they’re with their friends

This is something only a certain number of guys do, while the rest of those assholes invite you out with their friends for a bro’s night of arson and finding new ways to cripple the homeless.

the boys who do pillow fights with you

“Have pillow fights” maybe? Oh, words, you’re so tough. The person who wrote this would probably wonder why a typewriter wouldn’t get WIFI.

That's nice. You called it "the cinema." It'd be classy if you weren't so ignorant.

the boys who tell you everything will be okay

Hah! Your mom is dead, and soon, you will be too! The blood is on your hands, Michelle! It won’t wash off!

the boys who make you laugh

Do people consider this something special? Or was every bad boyfriend an accounting major? I would think that a sense of humor is something that girls would instinctively go for, rather than saying “Our second date was alright. He took me to the cemetery and wouldn’t stop talking about nuclear meltdown.”

the boys who take you out

Did the girl write this while she was being given her “one hour of sunlight a day” before being thrown back in the cellar?

the boys who listen to your stories

What was that you were saying about your dog? I wasn’t paying attention. I find that counting down the seconds until I die to be far more interesting than you.

the boys who look at you and smile

Considering that my natural reaction is to look her in the eyes and vomit uncontrollably, this comes as a shock. Men actually smile? At women? What’s next, putting on dresses and banning urinals?

the boys who have a pretty heart

Someone actually wrote the phrase “pretty heart.” I don’t want to call myself an English Nazi, but after reading this, I feel like the next time I cry, all that’s going to come out is glitter.

Otherwise called "the boys who get mocked by their friends."

the boys who wear white v-neck shirts

This is a joke, right? You’re kidding when you say that wearing white v-neck t-shirts actually increases a guy’s attractiveness. Well, okay. Sucks to be you, sweater men. Keep reading advice columns and wondering if there’s a right way to ask out the cashier at Arby’s.

the boys who make you feel you’re beautiful

By this point, it’s become apparent that whoever invented “the boys who” was a kidnap victim for 18 of their 18 years of life. When making you feel good becomes something that only “special” guys do, you’re probably on your way to being murdered.

the boys who notice when something’s wrong

It speaks volumes when I say that I was actually surprised that the person used appropriate apostrophe placement. I fully expect these to devolve into “the boys who have legs” and “the boys who don’t get leprosy spots” I’m sorry. I meant to say “dont get leprosy spots.”

the boys who sing ‘just the way you are’ for you

It’s all becoming clear. The key to winning a girl’s heart is through all the makings of a shitty Bruno Mars song. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it before.

the boys who make cute faces

There’s no way that I haven’t sprouted a unicorn horn yet. I’m going to go ask my tiny wood elf friends whether I’m actually reading this or if I’m trying to out-nightmare a nightmare.

the boys who care about your feelings

Old Boyfriend: How many times must I burn you alive before you die, beast!

Friend: Why are you with him? He’s so rude!

Old Boyfriend: (in background) I must carve stakes! You fall at midnight, hell spawn!

Girlfriend: Have you tried his omelets? They’re delicious!

That's it. I hate the internet.


5 responses to “The Literary Review: the boys who

  1. Daniel, even though the post was–is–clever and funny,

    (soapbox feminist rant spewing starts here. woman talking and flattery not involved: skip remainder of comment.)

    this post is mostly a sad one, to me.

    You are writing as someone who is, likely, based upon what I have read in your posts (such as the one on Seventeen I just left) a kind, fair-minded, and non-sexist man.

    Yes, these girls are pitiful. But I feel they are also to be pitied.

    The world culture gives your gender a huge sense of entitlement. It is felt and exercised by most on a daily basis in ways big and small.

    I don’t think you in particular, or any man, can understand just how self-oriented most males are, even when they see themselves as otherwise.

    (Not a perfect analogy, but think of an “enlightened” slave-owner of the 1800s who truly believes he treats his chattel extremely kindly and generously.)

    I believe things are far worse than ever since the backlash against feminism predicted by Susan Faludi, the resulting ramped-up sexual polarization (at younger ages) driven by advertisers, and, of course, the internet helping to spread unrealistic expectations about women among men of all ages everywhere.

    The pickings of decent dudes are, I think, slimmer than ever today.

    Many males’ expectations aim at a baby-faced big-breasted bubble-backsided Barbie who submits to lifelong torture by repeatedly having her vaginal area hairs torn out by the roots (what. the. fuck.) who has not a freckle, scar, or mole, and who permits–thrills to–deep throats and deeper anals. Males who (claim they) want brains too? Pretty rare, and how many of those aren’t 6+ hour-a-day game-jockeys?

    It is, BTW, now considered mainstream-acceptable among the younger set to act different in front of the dudes when with your girlfriend.

    It isn’t uncommon that guys will not listen to their girlfriends. I believe many have no expectation that a relationship with a woman might involve concepts of sharing, partnership, or friendship.

    Today’s women, I feel, have made it worse by accepting sub-par treatment because never has the pressure of the media been worse: That they are all sub-par is the message they learn from the start.

    Unless they are “strong”, like our current role models of strong women: Entertainers who are hot, hot, hot.

    Just one outlier’s opinion.

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