Luke Bryan: Apocalypse

The end is here.

Do you remember the young boy who knew he faced death, but still struck the first blow?

Do you remember the soldier who kept fighting, even in the face of adversity?

And do you now see the warrior who plans to end it, once and for all?

It was inevitable, a prophecy begun at birth and destined to end here. Daniel Dockery, the fearless, joke-making crusader and Luke Bryan, the psychotic, redneck musician. The collision course was inevitable. And the outcome will be oh-so violent.

I don’t need to explain Luke Bryan anymore than I already have. Everyone knows of his magical abilities to turn pick-up truck fumes into female orgasms. We have heard that, whenever he hears rap music, he has to retreat to his cave-barn to reattach his skin. Shirt sleeves dissolve in his presence. When he was raised to earth, his hooves transformed into cowboy boots. He refuses to let his girlfriends call it “sex,” only “hay rides” or “scream battles.”  Luke Bryan went square dancing once, and the community center fire was never fully explained.

Allies, come to my aid. The final assault on Fort Bryan begins now.

Someone Else Calling You Baby

From the album “Doin’ My Thing”

“I saw a truck backin’ out of your drive
You were sitting in the passenger side
Messin’ with the radio, you had your sun glasses on.
I pulled over cause I couldn’t believe
Two weeks ago that was you and me
Riding down these old back roads, singing our songs
Now everybody round our town’s been whisperin’
A tear in your eye says I should have been listenin’…”

If there was any concern that Luke Bryan isn’t fully human, the question gets answered here. He has no way to identify common social cues. Sunglasses on, tears in her eyes as she sits in the passenger’s side? Luke, this girl isn’t with another man by choice. She’s being fucking abducted.

It’s common knowledge that after Luke Bryan breaks up with someone, it takes at least four months for the second degree burns to heal properly. There’s no way that she found a rebound boyfriend that fast, unless the psych-ward was full of eligible bachelors. Someone with a grudge against Bryan is out to hit him where he hurts most – in his childishly under-developed soul.

Country Girl (Shake It For Me)

From the album “Tailgates And Tanlines”

This was the first Luke Bryan song that I ever heard on the radio, and ever since then I can only get static when I turn it on and sometimes I wake up with cold sweats.

“…Gonna stomp my boots in the Georgia Mud

Gonna watch you make me fall in love

Get up on the hood of my Daddy’s tractor

Up on the toolbox, it don’t matter…

Here’s the thing, Luke. It does matter. First of all, your father owns the tractor and I imagine that he wouldn’t appreciate some girl you just met getting muddy shoe prints all over the top of it. You obviously own a truck. Why not have this “country girl” dance on that? There’s really no room to dance properly on the top of a tractor anyway, unless your girl has great balance. And considering how many Coors Lights that you’ve poured down her throat, I doubt she’ll see anything wrong when you say “You know what would be a great idea, darlin’? If you got up on the tractor that’s totally mine, and you, you know, danced.”

Yeah, Luke! Just do your thing, man!

And then the toolbox? A regular one or the one that’s usually attached to the tractor? Either is a bad idea. There’s even less room on top of a tool box and this can only end with Luke cleaning mud off farm machinery and a lady with a broken tailbone.

“…Shake it for the young bucks sitting in the honky tonks…”

What in the hell does this mean? Luke’s agent needs to check and see if the chip in Luke’s spine that makes him “Fried chicken-fried stupid” is overheating.

“…Shake it for the birds, shake it for the bees

Shake it for the catfish swimming down deep in the creek

For the crickets and the critters, and the squirrels

Shake it to the moon, shake it for me, girl…”

Either Luke just saw Pocahantus for the first time and was very, very impressed, or the person who writes his lyrics discovered how to set the human brain on “auto-pilot.” Seriously, these lyrics are so damn dumb that you could print them on a chimpanzee’s flash cards when you’re trying to assimilate it back into the wild. They’re so nonsensical in comparison to the rest of this retarded song that he could’ve switched over to the lyrics of Phantom Of The Opera, and every redneck listening would’ve given the same amount of approving burps.

“…Tangle me up like Grandma’s yarn…”

I understand what he means, to get tangled up in love. But still, adding the words “Grandma’s yarn” makes it incredibly un-settling to me. Other less creepy ways to say “let’s fall in love” include “It’s not rape if I’m smiling” and “I’ve heard that you can breathe for at least an hour after you’re buried.”

“…Now dance, like a dandelion…”

In Kindergarten, they should give every child a piece of paper with “Now dance, like a dandelion” on it. Below that, they should have the words “Yes or No?” Every child who answers “No” gets a sticker. Every child who answers “Yes” gets bullied and has their cries for attention ignored.

Drunk On You

“…Girl you make my speakers go boom boom
Dancin’ on the tailgate in the full moon…”

Luke Bryan’s tendency of having a girl dance on top of something continues. What started as only one of the many worst things about his lyrics has exploded into fetishism. I don’t know if Bryan’s arousal is dependent upon how close a girl is to tumbling off of something, but I’d be hard pressed to find an instant where Luke Bryan’s dates didn’t end with him giving someone a boost and a drunken thumbs up.

“…You’re lookin’ so good in what’s left of those blue jeans…”

June 10th

Dear Diary,

I met the greatest guy last night. His name is Luke Bryan and I know he was drunk, and believe me, I was too (I threw up four times. Sorry about your pillow, Ashley!) But I think it’s love. I really do. And if it is, awesome! Maybe he’ll buy me new pants with all his music money!”

-The Future Mrs. Bryan

“…If you ain’t a 10, you’re a 9.9…”

In Luke Bryan’s world, these can be considered “lyrics.” However, someone needs to get in contact with this song’s writer, give him a blood test and see if we haven’t just discovered The Missing Link. You know why other countries seem to just hate America for no reason? It’s not about religion or beliefs. It’s based on crap like this.

Suntan City

“It was bumper to bumper when I hit Bay county
So I stopped and let the top down;
Speakers were a bumpin’, little hip-hop somethin’
I was stirrin’ up a coke and crown…”

“Shakin’ It To The Top” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

The first thing I noticed about this was that Luke is obviously drinking and driving. And not just drinking, literally mixing his drink as he “hits that Bay county.” Drinking and driving is already stupid, but having a beverage that requires more than “Step 1: Enjoy” while operating a vehicle makes me wonder if Luke skipped First-through-Every Grade and went right on to hating teachers.

Also, calling it a “little hip-hop somethin’” is like calling the Amazon “trees and shit.” It displays such a ridiculous lack of legitimacy that he might as well have said “Got that Jay P and Eminomnem playing. I like the way they say that word for black people. Have you seen my hat? Oh, haha, I forgot. I ate it.”

“…Hey there cutie with a Kentucky coozie…”

The following is the foreward to the book, “Anyone Can Rhyme!”

Hey Kids,

My name is Luke Bryan. I’m writing words. I know! Mama said that I’d never be able to get this far, but them wolves said different, didn’t they, Mama? You couldn’t run for shit!

The key to rieming. Okay, red line under that one. Rynming. Red line under that too. Country. Haha, I beat ya there, computer. Rhyming. Okay, I got it. The key to rhyming is to take two words that sound alike, and to put ‘em on different sentences. For example:

“Country girl, I love you.

Country girl, get up on that truck.

Country girl, I love moons.

Country girl, get up on that truck”.

See? I rhymed “you” with “moons” and “truck” with “truck.” It’s that simple. Whoops, look at the time!. I’ve got to go. There’s a nineteen-year-old hottie shaking her thang-a-lang on the hood of my Ford and I’m about to drink and yell at her!

See ya!

-Ol’ Lukey Tonk

“…I gotta buddy who blew all his money,
and he had to stay his broke-ass home,
He’s been goin’ crazy, blowin’ up my phone
Wantin’ to know whats goin’ on…”

Usually, the bridge of the song is used to expand upon the meaning of the song, perhaps giving something a little bit weightier than what you hear in the verses or the chorus. Here, Luke uses the bridge to taunt his poor friends. Good show, Luke. Hopefully the next song reveals that every girl you ever mentioned was a prostitute and your buddy only had twelve bucks! Unlucky bastard! He’ll never get a tractor dancing show with that.

-Daniel

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12 responses to “Luke Bryan: Apocalypse

  1. ‘Grandma’s yarn’ is going to keep me awake at night, trembling violently to the thought of my entire childhood being ruined.

  2. Pingback: Versatile Blogger Award Pt. II « disfuctionalunit·

  3. Omg…I literally just laughed out loud so hard and I am a huge Luke Bryan fan!! I’m very much aware that his songs are suspiciously similar but I just can’t help myself. I won’t even try to lie, the fact that he’s gorgeous helps. Nonetheless, I cracked up about the fetishism of all the girls he’s with having to be dancing on top of something. Good stuff, loved it!!

  4. Hahahaah… this cracked me up! I actually like the guy and his songs…. and yes, even I’ve wondered where he finds these lyricists from. Some of the lines they come up with make no sense… but he’s cute and he gets away with it. He should seriously look into his writing though… his album Tailgates and Tanlines is one of the better country albums I’ve listened to lately.

  5. This is hilarious and I love Luke. The truth is though he could sing the dictionary with that accent rugged handsome face and what I’m sure is an amazing body and still be popular. He has confidence, the kind you are just born with.

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