Dating Tips For You and Your Philias: Trichophilia

For those that have kept up with my site since its inception, you’ll know that a few of my beginning articles dealt with “philias.” Now, I know that “philias” is just as much of a slang term as it is the correct term, but I recently remembered just how much those short essays helped people with crippling sex disorders. For example, here are just a few pieces of feedback that I got because of all the good work I did.

From Emily

To Daniel

There is a distinct order to things that have come into my eyes and later, my life. First, nothing. Then, your words. And then, with the support of your words, some guys. I just wanted to thank you, because, without your genius, I never would’ve met my husband, who I later murdered. I’m in jail.

From Alex

To Daniel

Hey, bro. You know a lot about philias and about the woman vagin’. I don’t know where you got all the xp points to amass this knowledge, but I thank you. I’m knee deep in women right now and I couldn’t be happier. I used to want to sex trees. Now, I sex women who also used to want to sex trees. Everyone wins.

From Tim

To Daniel

I’d like to invite you to my engagement party. Thanks to you, I discovered that the things that scare women most are loneliness and fire. I used this to my advantage and scored the most beautiful women in the world, plus a few others that she’ll never know about. Shhhh. I’ve got a condom in my wallet.

Those are just three of the many that I have received. So I urge you, if I’ve touched your life in any way, feel free to contact me and appreciate me. I deserve it.

Trichophilia

Sexual arousal caused by human hair.

Examples: Wigs, barbershops, Japanese cartoons about combs

I see you there, guy who relates to song “Lonely Boy” by The Black Keys. You’ve always been told that your time would come by your friends and family and you’ve been waiting patiently. But now you’ve realized that patience is for loading screens and pregnancy tests. You’re desperately alone and you’re ready to mingle!

After reading this, girls like the one seen here will be totally obtainable. She’ll say things like “You read blogs?” and you’ll say things like “I don’t usually sweat this much. Sorry….”

There’s one problem though. You like hair. Now, a lot of women have beautiful hair. Admittedly there are some that like to wear it in a ponytail, but most of them are too busy kissing other girls on the mouth to notice you. You can’t stop staring at girl’s hair, thinking about all the ways that you can play with it and run your hands through it and ughhh uhh. That last part was you.

Girls like their hair too, but they might not appreciate your absolute devotion to it. Using my full-proof plans, you’ll force them to appreciate it. I’m not saying that you’ll manipulate their emotions into finally falling in love with you, but by the time you break up with them, if they’re not asking for relationship help on Reddit, you’ve done something wrong. Get up on that saddle, Tonto. It’s time to wrangle you a lady partner, using these hair-focused techniques.

Tip 1: Make your compliments deeper and more weighty. Girls get told “You have beautiful hair” all the time, but you have to go one better than that. Add elaborate metaphors to what you say, such as “Do you remember that part in every movie with The Rock where The Rock takes his shirt off? Girls like abs, right? Okay, well, take that, and inverse it to hair and make it relate to me and you have hair like The Rock has abs. Perfect, strong hair.”

Tip 2: When you ask her on a date, make it hair oriented. That way she’ll know that you’re not just trying to hook up and you’re not wanting to date her. You just want to be around her hair, until you inevitably try to hook up with her. Take her to places where you can tell people about her hair. For example, when the waiter asks for your order, exclaim “Order? Have you seen her hair?” Or, if you’re meeting her parents, tell her mother “I bet she gets her hair from you. You’re old though. Just to clear that up.” This will give her hair some kind of value, and set its importance as relatively high.

Tip 3: Stroke her hair as much as you can. In potentially strange couplings like this, the clock is constantly ticking towards either a sudden, ill-judged marriage or a murder/suicide. Thus, you have to make every second count. Invent excuses to put your hands in it, to twirl it around in your fingers. Tell her that you won’t mess it up and then mess that shit up, just so you can watch her fix it again. Some say that roleplaying can help keep up sexual spontaneity in a relationship, so invent scenarios like “Nurse has to take care of a Barber” or “Cheerleader goes to see a Barber.”

Keep some of these handy, you know, just in case you get lucky.

Tip 4: Give her hair-related pet names. Some of these include: Cousin It, The Mexican Wolf Boy, Kong, Bearded Guy From Some Movie, Bearded Lady. Call her a member of your “hair-em.” Call her fridge “Hair-is Teeter.” And then, when she tells you to stop, tell her your new name is “Hair-ison Ford” and that if she doesn’t agree, you’re going to start seriously doubting whether you love her anymore.

Tip 5: Cut off pieces of it while she’s sleeping. I know this might sound weird, but I assure you, it’s not. It’s actually kind of sweet when you think about it. Wait until she’s snoring and clip bits of it off, storing it in plastic bags to keep it fresh and smelling nice. Organize these bags by date and amount. Then, when she breaks up with you because you’re nutso, throw the bags into the air like confetti and let her past hit her all at once. I don’t know a lot about psychology, but nothing will make a girl regret the last year more than a mass of her collected hair raining down on her as her former lover cries.

-Daniel

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Look at me. My face is one that says “I’ll remember your birthday.”

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3 responses to “Dating Tips For You and Your Philias: Trichophilia

  1. “I don’t know a lot about psychology, but nothing will make a girl regret the last year more than a mass of her collected hair raining down on her as her former lover cries.”Yea that’s funny alright! Nother good post. Wait you did mean it to be funny right?

  2. Pingback: Dysfunctional’s Datin Tips « disfuctionalunit·

  3. …Bang bang, he shot me downBang bang, I hit the groundBang bang, that awful soundBang bang, my baby shot me down.I know this is not the place for kroaake, but when I saw those shoes and someone here mentioned Cher, I just couldn’t resist..

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