Whatever A Spider Can 2: Sub-Zero For Spidey

Spider-Man: I have this sneaking suspicion that somebody down here doesn’t like me.

For the most part, every episode in this show was divided into two parts. This is the second part of the episode started tragically with “The Power Of Doctor Octopus.” While this might’ve been a standard way to handle cartoons in the ‘60s, I believe it has more to do with the creative capacity of the people writing this crap. Most of the notes that went into every script probably consisted of Spider-Man dodging out of the way of something falling from the ceiling and then the word “again.” The action is repetitive as soon as it happens the first time, and I’m surprised that scientists haven’t tried to excavate the Spider-Man creative team, in order to see just how a man can live with a brain made of tumors and pimento cheese.

Plot: Peter Parker is visiting a guy named Dr. Smarter, when they’re both attacked by giant ice monsters. Spider-Man puts up as much of a fight as the surrounding furniture does and later, Dr. Smarter gets unsurprisingly kidnapped. Spider-Man chases down the ice monsters to their iceberg layer, discovers they’re from Pluto and the ice monsters leave, because this whole show is garbage.

Even Dr. Smarter himself thinks his name is terrifyingly stupid.

The man’s name is Dr. Smarter. That was legitimately a name given to someone and stamped with approval. There had to be at least one time that a writer in the Spider-Man office/treatment ward said “Because he’s like, a smart doctor, you know? Doctor Smarter!” before he was curb-stomped with complete justification.

Often, a show will have a character that the audience is meant to relate to. In this case, you’d think it would be Spider-Man, because he should be young, fun and intelligent. Except this show doesn’t deal with the “should” but rather with the “duh.” Spider-Man treats logic and fun like a dead cat and ignores them for the most part. Here, the viewer relates more to J. Jonah Jameson, an aging, cantankerous newspaper editor with a Hitler mustache.

Jameson has spent most of this show so far angry and frustrated, with his head going into his hands, mirroring exactly what I did the whole time I watched it. At one point he talks about getting laughed out of the newspaper business because of how ridiculous the ice monsters are. I had this fear too, Jonah. Except in my vision, men in gas masks appeared in my bedroom, asked if I was watching the show on purpose and then set their future rifles to stun, because I’m obviously needed for further study.

Animation Woe: There are two points in this episode where the Spider-Man model is walking forward, but the background is panning to the side. So, Spider-Man just appears to be walking in place, which I won’t deny, considering that Spider-Man in this show has all the fighting spirit of spaghetti with none of the consistency, makes a hell of a lot of sense.  I won’t attribute this animation error to laziness though, but more to the fact that the cartoonists were probably picked at a raffle hosted by Vietnam amputees.

Amazing Spidey Quote:

Spider-Man: This is what’s known as being in a tight spot.

Spidey, they’re ice monsters that now have the ability to drive boats. You don’t stand a chance.

Spider-Man says this outloud to himself as he’s stuck under an ice pillar that, and I know this might shock you a bit, dropped from the damn ceiling. It’s not even a pun though, or a joke. It’s just Spider-Man explaining a common phrase. And when Spider-Man is forced to talk to himself about what certain combinations of words mean, you know that the rest of the script pages were too covered in drool to make any sense.

-Daniel

Episodes: 12345678910111213141516,

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One response to “Whatever A Spider Can 2: Sub-Zero For Spidey

  1. Daniel, As usual-funny,I being old and cantankerous now (not unlike ol’ JJ himself) grew up on this cartoon, Of course we loved it back then, but our media savvy was much less…sophisticated. We little neighborhood boys would run around playin “Spidey” and the theme song was about as popular as the “Batman” theme song. Thanks to the power of Netflix recently i got a chance to go back and give her a viewing and man, your description is pretty much right on the money, even the dialouge of Peter Parker, “a teen-ager” appears to be written and voiced by a man in his early forties, who was possibly formerly working on the G-man files for 1930’s radio
    Anyway, yer post is spot on hilarity-thanks fer the good laugh-I’m going to boot up this episode and give er a watch.

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