For years, women have been mystified by men, and here I thought that it was the other way around! Ha!
I’m sorry. I’ve been reading so many articles in this issue of Seventeen, about the best jeans ever and different ways that I can braid my hair, that my mind has gone on auto-pilot. The best joke I can make is the one about how super awkward turtle it is when you’re trying to take a pee and your crush walks in and starts vomiting on you. If Mark Twain had written a short story on how much Jennifer Lawrence relates to my tomboy attitude, I could give credit to the old bastard, but, until then, the greatest achievement in literature starts with “your biggest hair drama” and ends with “SOLVED!”
The quiz, “is he FEELING IT OR FAKING IT?” starts off by challenging the laws of word definition itself. The first line is “Some guys act super-lovey, then disappear. Find out if your fling will last.” If it’s going to last, it’s not really a “fling” is it, Seventeen? Maybe I’m being nit-picky here, but in the “short is long and skinny is fat” universe of a Seventeen reader, I would like some explanation to ease the voyage of us newcomers. I mean, increase the difficulty of the voyage. Yeah, make it real tough for me, Seventeen. I’ll play your game.
This, expectedly, is a “Check the statements that apply” quiz. Anymore pieces to the puzzle and there would be angry letters accusing the Seventeen editors of being Nazis. This answering process also make reading a bit easier since, by the time you’re reached page 98 of this magazine, your cerebral cortex has either collapsed in on itself, or you’re in a hair style induced coma, and the only thing turning pages is a soft breeze through an open hospital window.
There are only two conclusions that Seventeen gives you, which is also the exact amount of the different demographics that read this magazine: future hot (but don’t forget smart too!!! :P) members of society and not that. You can either fall into the “he’s faking it!” RED category and the ORANGE “he’s feeling it!” one. Seriously, this is how simple Seventeen makes a relationship sound. There are no grey areas when it comes to finding out if a guy likes you. He either wants to marry you, or the reason it looks so weird is because it’s a mask, and oh yeah, the meal was once your cat and it’s now made of poison.
He holds your hand.
He holds your hand (and your bags).
Seventeen starts out by creating a situation solely dependent on whether or not a girl is holding bags. So, for you to mindlessly judge a guy based on a fucking magazine quiz, you have to remember a situation where you held bags, and whether or not that pushover just grabbed your hand or that prince took the bags and your hand. In the first question, Seventeen already implodes with this complete lack of logic. Unless the logic is that all women must have bags all the time, which means that if I meet a girl and she’s not carrying anything, I better have my anti-witchcraft book and snake capture gloves ready, just in case.
He looks at you crazily.
He looks at you lovingly.
All the time? Because, I assure you, there are times when a man will look at a woman and it won’t be the final scene of Dear John or whatever. Sometimes a guy is playing a video game or, you know, doing anything, and when you see him, he might not smile and kiss your forehead. I know that that shatters a lot of the pre-conceived notions about men that Seventeen would have its readers believe, but not all dudes are made of abs and the word “forever.”
And looks at you crazily? That’s kind of subjective. It’s in the RED, so the man is OBVIOUSLY faking it when he looks at you in even a slightly weird way. But what could he be hiding, Seventeen? Why would he look at you that crazily? He must be….sleeping with all of your friends! That would be crazy enough, right?! Yeah, if he gives you a look that’s anything but a heartwarming grin, he’s not worth your time and might be a Terminator.
He walks in front of you.
He walks next to you.
Remember that one time when he didn’t hold your hand, and he made the excuse that he was “in a hurry” and that he was “sorry”? Yeah, that was bullshit. He better keep in step with you as long as you’re together, because if you’re forced to follow behind him even once, the feminist movement dies and you better buy a maid outfit for the upcoming “Beer And Sandwich Sponsored Woman Punching Olympics.” Every date that the person who wrote this ever went on must have ended with a promise that they wouldn’t go to the police about it.
He sends you pics of himself.
He takes pics of you two.
Once again, Seventeen makes a question based entirely on the involvement of certain factors. In this case, the factors are entirely unrelated. Is he taking pics of himself and sending them to you while you’re with him? “Hey, you! Yeah, shut up. Look what I just texted you. It’s me in front of the building that’s behind me right now! How crazy is that? Don’t answer me. I don’t want to see your face, ghoul.” Sending someone pics of yourself when you’re not around them is kind of normal. But the readers of Seventeen wouldn’t know that, since they’re too busy wondering if the guys smile seemed all murder-ey or not.
And takes pics of you too together? Yeah, girls, you’ve really got a winner there. All those other guys would shove you out of the way when their trying to get that Empire State Building skyline, but not him. He’ll let you poke your head in the shot, and hell, if you’re lucky, you might even get to smile. Those other assholes would call you enormous and make you watch them throw their X-Box 360 controllers at your scrapbooks. Seventeen really does have gender relations down.
He’s obsessed with his hot ride.
He’s fine with a low-key subway ride.
Seventeen, do you know how choices work? Usually the answers are based around the same concept, but you seem to just be throwing two things that are vaguely similar together and hoping that the people who read it have forgotten what the prompt was already. (Spoiler: there wasn’t one in the first place.) I didn’t know that computers could get Alzheimer’s, but an article about food for Seventeen would be called “What’s your favorite vegetable? Rhinos are scary!” and one on movies would be “Have you seen the latest…..WHO ARE YOU? DON’T TOUCH ME!”
I don’t know what year in the 1950’s that the staff time machine of Seventeen magazine is stuck on, but the whole world has moved beyond the jock stereotype of the guy who loves his car more than his best gal. I would assume that if a guy blows you off to polish his hood, he probably won’t be at your door later with flowers, apologizing for humping the leather seats. And he’s fine with a subway ride? As if there was a chance that a girl would date a guy who’d flip shit when he’s forced to get on public transportation? “A subway?! Are you kidding me? And what would you like on your pizza, trash can or homeless dick?”
Okay, ladies. Count up your results. Are you more in the ORANGE side? Congrats. Tell all your friends when the bridal shower is gonna be and go congratulate yourself with a new, Seventeen-inspired look! More on the RED side? Well, he’s totally faking it. He doesn’t love you. Is that a knock at your door? Grab something heavy and hope that he doesn’t swing first!
For more of Daniel’s attempts to infiltrate Seventeen, check out are your texts 🙂 or 😦