The Minds Of Madmen: Search Terms

Be afraid.

The internet has most of everything in it. That’s a fact that’s been proven over and over again. It’s gone from being the “information superhighway,” a phrase that sounds like it was coined by an antique computer trying to explain what dying feels like, to this magic wishing well, full of whatever the hell we want it to be full of. It’s a thing of beauty when you put it that way.

However, what trumps the internet are the people that use it, and how they choose to understand it. I won’t say that people aren’t as smart as they portray themselves to be, but now that I’ve started a site and am able to see what search terms people use that lead them to it, it’s becoming very apparent that the human mind is a strange place. A dangerous world where ideas range from commonplace to verifiably insane. I’ve collected a number of these search terms below and, using my intensely dedicated, psychological know-how, will attempt to decode them for further study.

dear females

This is a fairly common one, considering that I did an entire article on what happens when a man’s testosterone and Dorito bag gets in the way of his brain. I can only assume that they are looking for that particular declaration of lonely hatred in order to repost it, and show to all their Facebook friends “Look at what women are doing to us! Did you know that you can download naked girls onto your PSP!?”

My computer should have some security feature to keep me from posting this again.

how to style your hair like luke bryan

Along with Luke Bryan’s home page and a dark river guarded by a three-headed dog , my site, I can safely assume, is one of the top destinations for information about Luke. This pleases me, as I am a Luke Bryanologist and have devoted a great number of hours to studying this man. However, searching for “how to style your hair like luke bryan” means that there’s a decent number of people who don’t know how pictures work. I’ve seen a lot of photos of Luke, and none of what I’d seen is anything close to complicated. The only instructions I can give back to this person are applying hair gel and praying that help soon arrives.

facebook

I’m sorry for the failing grade you’ll get on your paper about social networking.

katy perry tits

I’m sorry for killing your boner, weird internet users, but you should know better.

old couple lay in bed

For description, see katy perry tits

valentine’s day quotes for him and valentine’s day wishes for boyfriend

It’s going to make Valentine’s Day way more romantic when he says “That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said” and you’re thinking Score another one for Google. It’s always nice when most of what you say during the year is a variation of “You said you’d (insert activity here) yesterday!” and “I don’t know why I even come back” and on February 14th you break out the words of some 19th century playwright.

katy perry and zooey deschanel meet

Has this ever really happened, or is it someone’s desperate, comedic scenario? I don’t think it’s the latter, as you can achieve the same level of humor by saying “duh” over and over to yourself, and if it had happened in real life, I’m sure I would’ve seen the news headline “Katy and Zooey Meet! World Adorkably Explodes!”

emotions are stupid

You lazy idiot. What do you have to do today that prevents you from typing out “She said we’d be better off friends” all the way? The only time anyone ever says “emotions are stupid” and means it is when they’ve just had their heart semi-broken and think it would be cool to turn into an un-feeling cyborg man. Sorry, lame-ass Robocop. Keep lying to yourself and…. quickly, your phone just lit up! It might be a text from her!

luke bryan getting divorced

Oh, man. Fathers, lock up your daughters! If the rumors are true then someone is going to be buying a certain country singer at least two or three shots this evening! There’s a distinct brand of wish fulfillment that comes with looking up whether a celebrity is single or not. It’s the same kind of wish fulfillment that makes “Kim Kardashian Opens Vagina To Public” pop up on my search bar every time you type in the letter “k.”

images of chocolate

You do know that you can type in “chocolate” and then click on “Images,” right? No? What is this under your fingers? A k….key….keyboard? Is that how you spell it? Your cat is hissing. Quickly, kill the mechanical false god, before it ruins us all!

axe outline

For, you know, when you ask your kindergarten class to color in the picture of an axe.

funny grand couples

Is “grand couples” a new way to say “grandparents?” I like it. Do you think the terms “wrinkle nearly deads” and “elvis liver spots” will catch on too?

im glad you came lyrics

I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t the first thing that popped up when this was typed in. Hell, I probably wasn’t the 100th thing. And I don’t think I’ve written anything extensive about The Wanted or the song “Glad You Came.” Wait, is the internet trying to hook me up with someone? Is this a chance encounter? Internet, remember those pictures of me shirtless. Yeah, whenever she types in “glad you came lyrics my life is a mess” have those pictures be the first things that pops up. This is so exciting!

I believe that these are the droids you're looking for, internet.

crazy stunts gone wrong

You and me both, person.

poor people

I love how unspecific this is. It’s the equivalent of looking for a picture of a zebra and just putting in “animal” or needing a photo of your Dad and searching for “human.”

luke bryan naked

I ‘m baffled by the group of people who think that every celebrity is naked somewhere on the internet. This isn’t sorcery, dummies. You can’t just ask for “kenny rogers wearing a star trek outfit and holding the bible” and expect instant results. If you want something done, sometimes you have to do it yourself. A better search to lead to the results you want would be “does luke bryan have a closet?”

i hope you think of me when you fuck her

Is this a song I haven’t heard of or a woman’s attempt at proving feminism both right and wrong? I’ve said it before; you can’t control the internet with witchcraft like this. Typing it in isn’t going to make him think “Oh, Amanda…..Amanda…oh….ELLEN, RELEASE YOUR GRIP ON MY BRAIN!”

how do I apply for waffle house over the phone?

If it makes you feel any better, happy early birthday, whoever you are.

tree jokes

Sorry, comedy.

valentine’s day quotes for god

Hope you like jokes about Ultraman, bad cartoons and Twitter, God!

hoes having sex

Is this how stupid people look up porn? My site needs a logo that says “Absolutely no hoes here. Turn back.”

how to have sex in park

Step 1: Question girlfriend’s sanity.

Step 2: No.

horse kicking man in head

The internet thirsts for blood. They find only jokes.

you can’t kill me I’m already dead

Hey, guys. I think someone may have cut the phone lines.

You know, it's not that far fetched. With some effort, he COULD be your boyfriend.

justin bieber cam

hi, im justin beeber. its a hot nite and im feeling so horner. i wish someone would watch me on my web cam.the 1st 30 minutes r free and then you only have to pay $9.99 an hour. come on guys. im so lonely and so hot baby baby baby ohhhhh just clink my link and sign in no credit cards required you can b my girlfriend swag swag swag

how to win a bear fight

High fucking five, internet.

-Daniel

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3 responses to “The Minds Of Madmen: Search Terms

  1. I should do that with my blogs just to see what they come up as. Mind you I know I have looked at a few sites just becuase they came up on a search engine…and then google has that wonderful auto complete function, and sometimes you just have to wonder…why on earth would someone look up that?

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