So, I have a friend who’s friends with a guy who follows a guy on Twitter whose brother has a friend who worked as the Assistant Sound Editor on The Dark Knight Rises and he gave me all the details on the plot of the movie.


The movie starts off with a plane that gets taken over by a bigger plane. In the smaller plane is Bane (John Cena, of The Marine, Smackdown) and his crew of terrorists and some other terrorists are giving them shit, so they do body slams on them until the small plane comes apart. Then Bane and his guys get on the big plane and fly away, to Gotham, because they have “Business to attend to. Special business…” as Bane says, but you can’t really understand him because of the mask so it sounds like he’s saying “Cat shit. We have cat shit.”

Back in Gotham, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale, of other Batman movies) is having dinner with some rich people and they’re talking about Batman and where Batman went and what happened in the eight years since the last movie happened. (Oh yeah, it’s been eight years since The Dark Knight ended and Two Face died, OR DID HE, INTERNET?) Bruce is all coy and he says stuff like “Batman’s a freak” but the people at the table are like, “I bet he’s a nice fellow” and you can tell, on the inside, that Bruce Wayne is getting a big heart boner because he’s been accepted. He then leaves the restaurant, and his valet pulls up in a van and says “Your car is here” and Bruce Wayne says “This isn’t a car” and then he drives away.

In the police station, Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman, of Bram Stoker’s Dracula) is sitting around with his partner, John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, of 500 Days Of Summer and the one where he has cancer). John Blake is a new cop and he’s optimistic, because he goes to his son’s soccer games and says things like “Gotham can be saved” and Gordon says things like “No it can’t.” But maybe Blake is right. Because hope always finds a way. Blake ends up talking to some kids on a school bus about safety (he’s optimistic, so he gets the bad police jobs, like public education) but all he ends up talking about is Batman. And then you see Blake buying a suit with a bunch of question marks on it, which is foreshadowing.

Then, at night, a woman dressed like a cat (Salma Hayek, of The Mummy Returns, I think) breaks into a museum and steals cat stuff. She sees a lion statue and says “MMEEEEEEOOOWWWWWW” and when security guards see her she’s like “This kitten’s got CLAWS” and she scratches them, because they have real boners and can’t control themselves and lust after her, because she’s dressed like a cat. Then we see Bane watching her and he smiles, I guess, but you can’t really tell because of his mask.

At the Wayne manor, Bruce Wayne pulls some levers and goes into a secret elevator, pushes a secret code and goes into the Bat Cave in his waterfall fortress and Alfred’s (Michael Caine, of Goldmember) down there. And Alfred says “Why so serious?” and Bruce says “Very funny, Alfred.” Then Bruce Wayne throws a batarang at a post and him and Alfred just sort of look at each other.

The mayor of Gotham is giving a speech about peace and then Gordon gives one too and in the crowd is some guy played by Matthew Modine, who was in the movie Pacific Heights, which also had Michael Keaton in it, meaning that all the Batman films are in the same continuity. When the mayor is away, Catwoman is trying to steal some his jewels that are shaped like cats and Bane gets the jump on her and tells her that he wants to be mayor and says that he’ll kill her if she doesn’t help him. She says “Cat’s have nine lives. You’ll have to try harder than that. MEEEOOOOOWWWW” and Bane says “Don’t worry. I’m very persistent,” but because of his mask it sounds like he’s saying “I’ve got shin splints.”

Some thugs are trying to steal some art at a museum and Batman jumps through the window and fights them. He then leaves.

Then we see Bruce Wayne visiting Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman, of your friend’s terrible impersonations) and Lucius Fox shows him some new gadgets. A lot of cool guns and stuff.  They then just sort of look at each other a few times. Also, a new flip bike to replace “his old car” and Bruce says “That wasn’t a car.” Then Bruce test drives the flip bike around and yells “YYYEEEEEEHAAAAWWWW” and it’s kind of awkward.

Also, before that, we see Scarecrow and he has some thugs and he says some lines like “I’ll shed a single fear for the lives lost” and Batman says “Fear this” and he kicks Scarecrow in the sack mouth and stops the goons. Also, Bane talked to some guy about being mayor and also being Gotham’s reckoning and then he cracked his neck.

Batman then goes back to the Batcave and Bane is there and Batman is like “How’d you find me?” and Bane says “Your punishment must be more severe” and then they fight in the Batcave and Alfred tries to take a shot at Bane but him and Batman are wrestling too close together so he’s afraid to shoot. Then Bane lifts Batman up and breaks his back over his knee and an orchestral version of John Cena’s theme music plays.  Then Catwoman and Batman meet up and Catwoman says “Always leave milk for a cat!” or something.

We see Bruce Wayne with a cane, and he has some funny scenes where he tries to pick up stuff he dropped and open doors and put on the Batman suit. Also, Wayne Enterprises gets a new intern and it’s Selina Kyle and her and Bruce make out, but he recognizes that she’s the Catwoman when she says “Oooh, you like it rough. MEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW.” So they agree to join forces and stop Bane who ran for mayor and won and when he won, we see Gordon look disgusted. Then Bane beats up Gordon and almost kills him but John Blake comes in with a gun after a wall explodes on some cops and says “STOP! FREEZE!” but Bane jumps out a window and when John Blake looks out the window, Bane is gone.

Bane does some stuff as mayor like blows up a football stadium and steals Batmobiles, sorry, Tumblers, and kills people in public and generally is kind of an electoral mistake. Then Alfred starts to create posters that say “Bane sucks” or something and the posters have a point, because maybe Bane does suck as a mayor. He has no prior political experience.

Bane eventually decides to go with Plan B which is “Destroy Gotham” so he blows up bridges and you’d think from the trailer that John Blake watches the bridges blow up on the school bus but I won’t ruin it for you because it’s really cool. Bane gets a lot of psychos out of Arkham Asylum and they make a sly reference to one inmate that “Didn’t like Bane’s brand of chaos” so he stayed behind and they don’t say that it’s the Joker, but we know it, because we’re not stupid.

Then Batman joins forces with the police after having a conversation with Gordon and I cried during this part because it’s really sweet. The Batman and the police fight Bane and his guys, but Batman still can’t beat him, so Lucius Fox gives Batman a space Tumbler and Catwoman and him fly around in it and shoot ground Tumblers and Batman says “This isn’t a car.”

But Batman soon gets off the space Tumbler after Bane jumps on it and rips the door open and throws Catwoman out and Batman gets mad, so he rips Bane’s mask off. This is an awesome scene because all the medicine rushes in and out of Bane’s body and he shrinks back to being a skinny, wimpy guy and Batman says “Pathetic.”

Then Batman goes to Catwoman and she says “Nine lives, remember…mrrrooowwww.” And Batman smiles and they make out on a rooftop as it starts to snow and we see Gordon looking out his hospital window and he cheers because the day is saved. And Alfred says “You did it, Master Bruce” even though he’s all the way back at the mansion and didn’t see shit.

Then we see John Blake looking like he hasn’t slept in a while and he whispers “Riddle me this….” to himself. Then we see Batman standing on a ledge on the tallest building in Gotham and the bat signal turns on in the background. And then we hear familiar laughter somewhere and Batman jumps off the ledge and he swings into frame and then it says “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES” and the movie ends.


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