Whatever A Spider Can 10: Diet Of Destruction

Spider-Man: Flying cars?

For eight of the first ten stories, the show has featured villains that were first introduced in the comics. The only exception was the second story, which featured ice aliens being angry for the fact that that’s probably how ice aliens would feel if they were stranded in NYC and being berated by Spider-Man’s puns. This villain is a giant walking furnace that eats metal, and it has no explanation given for its origin at all. No scientist that wants revenge against the stuff destroying the environment and no engineer, hired by Jameson, to create something that will eventually eat enough shit that Spider-Man has nothing to hide behind. The thing just shows up hungry, and that’s writing I can get behind.

Diet of Destruction, the Spider-Man episode.

Plot: The episode starts with Spider-Man surveying Central Park and not noticing the giant robot until the show decides to do a close up of it. It’s a “metal-eating monster” as Spider-Man puts it, staring directly towards us. The thing eats cars and statues and then, somehow, reverses its magnet hands to shoot flaming hunks of steel at Spider-Man. The robot ends up setting Central Park on fire and the show should logically end here, since Spider-Man can only win against villains that have the ability to punch him up a few times.

Robot that Spider-Man fights.

Spider-Man smothers the flame with enough web to do so, and then turns around to realize that he misplaced the two-hundred foot tall robot devouring Manhattan. He brings the photos that he took to J. Jonah Jameson in order to convince the newspaper editor that it exists, which is the weirdest thing that the show has ever tried to make me believe. When something’s power is to be twenty stories tall and eat cities, the city it’s trying to eat usually will take notice and believe it’s there far before some dork shows up with pictures of himself almost being stepped on.

J. Jonah Jameson doesn’t believe him, because the entirety of the city that never sleeps was hanging out in Queens for the night and didn’t see the giant thing, and only had a clue of something going on when they noticed that their train rails were missing. Spider-Man creates a special kind of webbing by pouring test tubes into one another repeatedly, a webbing that almost instantly fails to do anything. So, for the second episode in a row, Spider-Man combats his enemy by piloting construction equipment towards them. He drags the robot for a second, until the robot, furious, tosses a car at him. The furnace attempts to eat Spidey, but Spidey acts quickly, says some obvious stuff about the situation at hand, and gets out of harm’s way.

Spider-Man driving a crane.

He throws more cars at Spidey, but Spider-Man builds an extremely solid shield out of elastic webbing and tells gravity to kiss his ass once again. The monster gets away once more, Peter gets yelled at by Jameson, and then he creates another new kind of web, because since new peoples might have come in after the last commercial break, the best way to get them caught up with the story is to repeat it.

Spider-Man ends up lassoing the robot and dragging it out to sea behind a boat. It sinks un-dramatically, and we return to Jameson’s office. Luckily, the episode ends before we can do it all a third time.

Animation Woe: I didn’t notice this until now, but in the opening credits, one of the signs on the building misspells “jewelry” and then, in the next shot gets it right.

Breakfast At Jewlery

Breakfast At Jewlery

I’m not sure how to interpret this. Were they that lazy that they can’t go back and cut in a few frames of the right spelling? Did they hire a different animator when they realized that the first had a condition that made it unsafe for him to be around cartoons? Was it someone who couldn’t pronounce “jewelry” right’s attempt to spell it phonetically? Or did they want to prove that practice makes perfect and that they were getting better as the show went along? I’m no producer, but if I was going to make a show about New York City, where buildings could literally sprout other tiny tumorous buildings and no one would make mention of it, I’d hire someone who could spell the names of what shops sell consistently.

Amazing Spidey Quote:

Spider-Man: Whallopin’ web snappers! This is no place for me!

Spider-Man: Lucky I always carry an umbrella!

In Spider-Man’s line of work, there’s always time to make a joke before you’re going to be killed. I’m surprised that there isn’t a generation of adults, now full of knife wounds because of a mass “I better move, OTHERWISE HE’LL CUT ME DOWN TO SIZE” epidemic.

-Daniel

Episodes: 12345678910111213141516,

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