“It’s True Love We Share” – The Cleveland Show 5th Season Kicktstarter

“It’s True Love We Share”

By Seth MacFarlane

“Hey, Junior! What are you watching? The Cleveland Show?” – Cleveland Brown

Seth? What is this?

I was about to sign the typical financing deal that would allow me to make my follow-up to the fourth season of The Cleveland Show, the fifth season of The Cleveland Show. But that would’ve meant making a lot of sacrifices that would’ve hurt it. I’ve tried to keep my artistic integrity in what was Step 3 of my 5 step plan to control the medium of television itself and Fox kept trying to stifle all that subversive stuff that made The Cleveland Show your third favorite of the three shows that I had on the air. I’ve never visited Kickstarter in my goddamn life, but I think it’s cool.

The Cleveland Show.

I saw that we’re getting a Veronica Mars movie and a sequel to that one movie about being lost in your twenties about being lost in your thirties, and both of those were funded by people just like you. I couldn’t help but think is if that guy from Scrubs, someone with a lot of money, could find a way to not pay a dime on a self-servicing pet project, then a man who’s practically swimming in it could at least get a fifth season to the third (and sometimes second) most popular show that he’s ever created.

Financing a complete season of television, when you’re me, means that you have complete control over everything. Everything. I could do a Claymation season of Family Guy and totally get away with it. Community did Claymation and AV Club ate that shit up. See, everyone wins.

But what if I could get YOU to pay for it?

“When you want something done, you have to do it yourself.” – Someone.

Okay, Seth. What’s new in the world of Cleveland?

It’s funny you asked. About as funny as that time Michael Keaton went to the air show. It maintains the tone of the first four seasons, which is a tone as crazy as that time Hulk Hogan ate mushrooms. (LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BROTHER!) It’s got all the characters that you love, doing the things that you love. Now imagine I said everything above in the Stewie voice. Eh?

The Music:

Dooo, dah, doo, doo, doo, doo, dooo, dooooo.

Ok… Why Kickstarter?

Is it not obvious? I don’t want to pay for this shit, and giving someone else any semblance of say over the stuff that I originally came up with gives me the runs. I’m not just going to bend over and let some super company bastardize art.

"Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." Star Wars, right?

“Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” Star Wars, right?

I know that it’s risky. This is the internet, which pretty much hates me. But let’s be real for a second. This is also the internet, which is dumb enough to spend the forty million necessary for another season of The Cleveland Show. A fake Justin Bieber can make kids shave all their hair off. Think of what a real Seth MacFarlane can make them do?

Also, I’m hosting the Oscar’s next year. I’m practically Billy Crystal, and until Parental Guidance, you guys loved him.

Final Cut

If I want a joke about that episode of Game of Thrones that Michael Bay directed, well to digestible jokes about stuff exploding and some lame Transformers reference we go. If I want to have that giant chicken show up twice in an episode, who’s going to stop me when I am God. And if I want to do a cutaway about what Spider-Man’s Christmas tree looks like (I haven’t thought of a punchline for that one yet, but shit, there’s something there), it’s going in whether anyone likes it or not.

Yes, Seth. Here’s my whole paycheck.

Yes, that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Risks and Challenges

Really? Risks? I’m Seth MacFarlane. Every dump I’ve taken for the past six years has been encased in gold and sent as a care package for our troops. Hold on, let me write that down.

I’m going to invest in Coke 2.5 this evening. Will it fail miserably? Hell, probably. But when you’re paid to breath (and drink Coke 2.5), you can do anything you want with your money. I made a Kickstarter to write this Kickstarter. I asked people to donate cash for me to sit at my laptop for an hour and try to lie about needing money. Obviously THAT didn’t work out very well. Now real all that in Cleveland’s voice. Funny, no?

What Do You Get If You Pledge:

$10

10 bucks? What the hell did you come out of your poor house for? Did the tab get frozen at your public library computer? You get nothing.

$100

Take an extra $20 of your own money and buy two volumes of Family Guy. They have a special at Best Buy.

$200

Nothing. But hey, thanks for that.

$400

The moral satisfaction that you’re twice as good as those people in the last bracket.

$1000

Okay, now we’re talking. I’ll give you a Twitter favorite. Not a retweet, though. You’ll have to earn that.

$5000

Tweet about how much you like The Cleveland Show. I’ll give you a retweet.

herbert-the-pervert

$10,000

You know that Herbert the Pervert character that you guys like so much? Well, give me your phone number and I’ll keep it for when I decide I want to call you.

$50,000

I’ll move you to the top of the list for when I feel like leaving a voicemail in the Herbert voice. I’ll say something about popsicles and calling back. It’ll be great.

$1,000,000

You get everything above, except the retweet.

$40,000,000

If you fund the entire season, you’ll get to be the person that writes that Spider-Man Christmas tree joke that I couldn’t finish earlier. I’ll give you credit on Twitter. No retweet.

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