The year is 2017 and the world is devoid of Party.
We live in Days of Future Past. Flo Rida was exterminated in a club raid. Ke$ha and Trey Songz have been missing for years. Some say that they went underground. Regardless of rumors, they haven’t been heard from. All hope seems lost.
But there are whispers of change in the wind, and the resistance begins with Arianna driving her FIAT, lemming like, into the ocean. She is surprised to find out that others, tired of the boredom that their lives have been reduced to ever since the government outlawed Party back in 2013, have joined her. They have heard those whispers and decided that it’s a risk worth taking. What is life without Party? No life at all. Arianna can’t help but smile. The Resistance is going to take back the world.
But these aren’t the only plans being put into motion. On his off-shore ocean liner, the SS Dale’!, Doctor Pit Bull, billionaire playboy and scientist, emerges from below deck. He has gathered a small band to watch him work his genius. The other men at the University laughed at his ideas. “Professor Bull,” they’d say. “Party is dead! You can’t resurrect the Party. It’s all futile.” “Haha, Dale’! Mr. 305 turned Mr. Worldwide!” Pit Bull would reply. “I can. I know the formula for bringing the Party back. And once it’s back, haha, Dale’!, Mr. Worldwide! Haha!…It can’t be stopped.”
Pit Bull cranks up his Beats by Dre audio system, so loud that it makes Puffer Fish explode, but so Party that it simply explodes into smaller Puffer Fish. It’s only a small inkling of the full power that Party contains. Pit looks through binoculars towards the shore. There are people searching for metal in the sand, staring at salt shakers, waiting for others to attempt drowning, and a dog, but no fun. Pit Bull disapproves of this. He puts on his sunglasses and snaps his fingers, signaling his right hand woman to bring out the doomsday device, something built to eliminate lame.
Pit’s girls take out the keys from between their breasts, a place banned in the new Anti Party America, which they insert into the console device. Pit presses the massive red button in the center.
The Party is back.
Red lights flash, and mist enters the Sleep Chamber. The door to the cryo-capsule opens and Charlie Sheen awakens from his forever-sleep. Professor Pit knew that he’d be of use one day and salutes him as Charlie, not missing a beat, enters his own car and is launched off the SS Dale’! He tries to take a drink from his coconut, but gravity will have none of that.
Suddenly, from under the SS Dale’!, Arianna and her Resistance fleet burst from the water, ready to perform Party D-Day on the boring beach ahead. They pull up onto the shore and promptly exit the cars, Arianna leading a synchronized dance, the best way to initiate Party into the souls of the emotionally dead and dying. The beach instantly erupts in Party. One girl is so drunk on Party that she begins to grind on a sandcastle man, unaware, in her fixated gyration that he is not real. Tomorrow morning, with sandy loins and seashells between her teeth, she will learn of her folly.
An airplane flies by, with a banner that reads “SEXY PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD.” Word travels fast. Pit’s plan is working. He shares a dance with Arianna, leader of her own branch of guerilla soldiers. It’s a truly beautiful moment.
But what of Sheen? Arianna voices her concern, “Where’s Charlie?” He should’ve been there to enjoy the opening moments of what’s to become the New Earth. But as you saw, Pit launched him off the opposite side of the ship, away from the shore. Pit knows that Sheen cannot be controlled. Sheen will follow his own path, but that path’s theme is assuredly Party.
Sheen is doing donuts in his car on a small, tropical island. He does this to entertain mermaids, mermaids who promptly have their tops ripped off by Sheen. Sheen smiles. It’s good to be back.
The Party rages on.
Post coital, we cut back to Sheen and his mermaids. Sheen says “You crazy mermaids.”
Elsewhere, Pit dances, but can’t stop thinking about the work ahead of him. This beach party, it will be a good life.
Edit: For those just now getting to read this, someone has edited the video and cut out the opening shots of all the FIAT’s driving into the water, replaced a lot of the early shots of Arianna with shots of Pitbull making facial expressions, replaced a low shot of a girl shaking her bootie with a medium shot of the same girl, and turned the scene where Pitbull looks at the beach from a music interlude to a few seconds of incomprehensibly edited mess. They’re trying to take away our Party. This is unacceptable.