The Literary Review: Chain Letter From A Ghost

Intangible, terrifying entities lurk everywhere, waiting for us to make a mistake. Usually these mistakes involve not clicking the “Share” button or something, and when we don’t, we’ve had it. But I’ve decided to play ghostbuster and take the fight directly to this insidious presence, because I aint scared of no ghosts, especially ones that want to ruin my social media presence.

chain letter

“Hi, I am Teddy.”

Bullshit, ghost. You’re Janeen.

“I am 7 year old.”

I don’t mean to be a Grammar Nazi, spirit about to kill me, but you’ve already gotten a strike and you haven’t even reached the part about appearing in my bathroom mirror. I’m not going to correct you on every single mistake, but maybe you should do less time shrieking and spend more of your Netherrealm afterlife clicking spell check. And plus, I’ve dealt with regular seven-year-olds who didn’t have the power to hack a poor Asian girl’s Facebook profile. I’m sure that you won’t be that much harder to banish.

“I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead.”

As soon as you said that you had no eyes, I guessed that you were dead. The two are correlated far more often than you’d think. But a paranormal being can still function with no eyes. If you weren’t dead, you’d just be an eyeless seven-year-old, which, according to ghost fighting textbooks, is the least threatening kind of seven-year-old.

“If you don’t post this to at least twelve pictures ice ill come to your house tonight and hide under your bed.”

I’ve re-read this message four time, ominous blind thing, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what “ice” means. Did you misspell “nice?” “Twice?” I might as well take it literally. Thanks for the cool nickname.

pitbull-sexy-people

“Patty buckles got this.”

I’ve been pretty lenient in trusting you so far. So much so that I’ve put extra paper towels beside my bed to mop up the mess that you’ll make when you leak all that lack-of-eye blood around me. But you need a better example than “Patty buckles,” unless you’re also into haunting people with the same name as cartoon rabbits or someone who helps you in your first day of school.

“she did t believe in chain letters she was sleeping when her tv started flickering on and off”

Thanks for getting rid of all the exhausting labor that would’ve occurred had I had to read the three sentences that your last non-sentence was made up of. You surely have enough knowledge of horror clichés to set up an effective scene.

“Ha ha party ha ha. You don’t want to be party do you?”

What is being threatened here? I guess, when you’re seven, the TV is a party in itself and you never progressed into the age where a party usually involves women and drinking. So, I’m not sure if I want to be party or not, Teddy. It’s really unclear. You’d be way more persuasive if you sounded more like a poltergeist and less like a Weird Twitter account.

ghost

Facebook.

“that night he post it to 4 pictures not good enough George, now George is in a coma”

You’re a second grade banshee trying to exact his wrath by stealing people’s passwords and hoping they repost poorly worded descriptions of events that don’t make any sense. You have no right to be picky.

“Now don’t you want to be like George?”

Even in death, you’re sarcastic.

“Only had 7 pictures to post to. Well that night she was having a shower when she saw a bloody figure in the mirror. She got the biggest fright of her life. Valerie is scarred for life.”

What bothers me is that Valerie only had seven pictures total. Cut Valerie some slack. She’s already been given the name of an 80’s cheerleader and now you’re punishing her for never taking selfies or visiting anywhere interesting? She did her best.

“Derek minse was a smart person. He post it to 12 pictures later that day he found a 100$ bill on the ground.”

Okay, so you have the control of both light and dark forces. If someone decides to annoy twelve other people, you make great stuff happen to them? What powers are you hiding from me, kid ghoul Teddy. How many gold coins will you leave in my shoe when I post it fifteen times? Does Eva Mendes come to my house to offer me Make Out Tutorials at twenty?

“He was promoted to head manager and his girlfriend agreed to Marry him. Now he and his wife are living happily ever after. They have two beautiful children.”

There is the question of a time lapse here. When exactly did Derek get promoted to head manager, get married and start impregnating his wife, in relation to him falling for your tricks?

“Derek, we’ve seen your work here and the way that you used Facebook yesterday to make everyone think that you’re a fucking idiot. I’ve decided to promote you to boss. Congratulations. Also, your wife called. Her loins have exploded and you must erotically piece them back together.”

“0 pictures – you will die tonight”

Totally reasonable.

“1-6 you will be Injured!”

Be more specific. You put someone in a coma before but the word “Injured!” could mean anything. I’d stick with the coma thing. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, because I have both my eyes, my sensibility, and I’m, most importantly, not dead. But I’d just like to offer suggestions for you, Teddy. You seem like you’re off to a strong career of being a pain in the ass Casper. You just need a bit of focus and you could go far.

“7-11 picture you will get the biggest fright of your life!”

I dig this punishment. I think you have a strong hierarchy of consequences, even if they are usually a little vague.

“12 and over – you are safe and have good fortune”

Thanks, Teddy. It’s always good to be rewarded for my efforts, and you’re not the bad creature that I originally made you out to be. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have twelve friends that need to be confused by my sudden, malevolent, online behavior.

-Daniel

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11 responses to “The Literary Review: Chain Letter From A Ghost

  1. I guess I should feel lucky and safe that Im not on FB or Twitter so this scary ghost cant get to me! As always you have me giggling at my desk

  2. I laughed so hard. This was up there with The Oatmeal and Hyperbole and a Half!

    The funniest part is, with that stupid name, all I can picture is an angry stuffed bear a la the movie Ted roaming around with his button eyes pulled out.

  3. When I saw this, I immediately said prove it. I made a point of telling “Ted” I had posted nothing the next day, This stuff ticks me off. I’m so glad somebody finally decided to pull it apart and examine it for the crap it really is.

  4. This happened 2 my friend and sent this 2 me and it imedeatly remind me of the so called Herobrine. It sort-of creeped me out but I knew it was just a chain message that I rarely get.

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