My desire for the new Star Wars film to be good is powerful. However, my desire for it to be a bizarre mess is almost equally powerful. My dark side of the Force is completely made up of my inherent need to fill Star Wars with less iconic adventure and good feelings, and more weirdness and awkward casting.
That’s why, against my reputation’s better judgment, I’ve decided to list my top choices for celebrities who either have no right to be in a Star Wars film or probably won’t be….but totally should.
1. John Cena
The new Star Wars trilogy is going to need a character that you can root for, a person that goes from farm boy (or something like it), to intergalactic hero. They’re also going to need this person to be extremely muscular, since a natural body type like Mark Hamill’s is something of the cinematic past. If Mark Hamill showed up in an adventure film today, we’d be too distracted by his lack of muscles to focus on everyone else’s muscles. It just doesn’t make sense, aesthetically.
Enter John Cena. He’s been forced down the throats of WWE fans as their Lord and Savior for the past seven years, so it’s only right that he moves toward a more mainstream form of pop cultural asphyxiation. He’ll play Alliance recruit Hunter McMahon, and his character traits will be unwavering loyalty and his inability to pronounce the name of planets correctly. At first he’ll wear his trademark camouflage jean shorts, but the Alliance dress code forces him to change into more standard uniform pants, which he promptly cuts apart to turn them into shorts. His role in the film will be to not only have a broad, generalized character arc, but to prove that even the space military can be fun, despite all the restrictions. He’ll do this at first by piloting his X-Wing drunk and then later by giving handshakes to the people who used to hate him.
He’ll also be given a majority of the film’s jokes, since John Cena’s comic timing is, for lack of a better phrase, adequately adequate. These bits of humor will include his trademark “TAT-OONEY? Is that really a planet?” and “You know, for a robot, you could stand to lose a few pounds!” This is also a great time to introduce the new character of FAT ROBOT, voiced by boops and beeps, but based entirely around a sad, misguided drive to fit in with the other, slimmer robots.
2. Tyler Perry
Star Wars deserves a strong black male lead and a strong black female lead. J.J. Abrams can kill two birds with one stone by sort of accomplishing this and casting Tyler Perry. It would make up for the fact that Perry was in the Star Trek reboot, but was conspicuously absent from Star Trek Into Darkness. I believe that this was meant to give Perry’s role in the upcoming Star Wars film more impact.
However, Perry won’t be playing two humans. Instead, like Zam Wessel from Attack of the Clones, he’ll be playing the shape shifter M’dea. But this isn’t a shape shifter that can copy the visage of any alien species. M’dea only has the power to be either a stern black man or an outrageous black woman. This will be useful for the infiltration scene, where the good guys are forced to sneak aboard the enemy space station to recover encrypted data files or something. Troops are on alert to search for a tall, goatee’d black man, but they have no idea what to do when, to buy the good guys some time, out from behind the corner comes this massive man in a wig and dress.
“Nat’ chu’ kiln” Perry says, subtitled with “Hellurr.” The good guys manage to run past the unsuspecting guards, ones who now have to deal with this insane figment of pandering imagination hitting them with its purse. M’dea says things like “Death Star? I kill the stars of your mama and ya’ daddy!” and “They carry a bible in that little space suit of yours? If you do, read up, ‘fore I’m forced to stuff one in ya’ little air pipe.”
Perry will also play Blim Mushin, M’dea’s diminutive co-pilot, who he bickers with.
3. Werner Herzog
There’s a thin, blurry line where fantasy ends and Werner Herzog begins. He’s a great director who also “acts” in movies sometimes. I put acts in quotations, because I’m not quite sure. I won’t say that Herzog is insane, but I have no conclusive evidence that proves otherwise. However, I will say that Herzog is the most awesome use of genetic material ever accidentally spilled on the laboratory floor and forced to grow up and fight for its own existence. Look at this video clip of Herzog getting shot in the stomach by a sniper during an interview. It isn’t graphic and there’s no blood at all, but I attribute that to the fact that if Herzog gets a cut on his finger, the atmosphere around him is simply leaked full of dark matter.
The camera cuts off just a second after he gets shot, but look at his expression. He looks like he was just told that his fly was unzipped, not that a bullet just ripped into him. I don’t know if I’d be more scared if I was the camera man, ducking after the shrapnel reflected off of Herzog’s scaled, warrior hide, or the sniper who was immediately struck with the fear of an unstoppable revenge heading his way. My first response after being hit with a sniper’s bullet would probably be wondering why my legs were all the way over there. It’s strangely comforting to think that if the world was ever in danger from an alien invasion, we could launch Werner Herzog towards them and simply sit back to enjoy the fireworks and German cries of victory over the Martians.
It’s because of this that I think Herzog deserves to be the main villain in Star Wars Episode VII. He already played a Darth character in Jack Reacher, with his missing fingers and malevolent blue eye. Take that design, put a black cape over it, and DO NOTHING to tamper with Herzog’s voice. Then, rather than give him actual dialogue, ask him to give his opinion on the presence of evil in the world. Have the other cast members react to what he’s saying, and boom, you’ve got the movie’s primary antagonist.
4. Jennifer Lawrence
At this point in her career, Jennifer Lawrence can do no wrong. If she went to the Presidential Inauguration and was filmed shitting on the ground, it would be turned into a gif within four seconds, and given 600,000 reblogs on Tumblr, with the comments mostly made up of “she’s just like me.”
That’s why, regardless of her role, Lawrence should be put in Star Wars Episode VII. I know that the joke about something exploding because it gets too insane is pretty well-worn, but I don’t think it’s an understatement that the internet itself would literally erupt into a ball of massive flame. You would combine the two things in the world that people are most passionate about, and society would never even feel the need to find a definite cure for most diseases or world peace. It would be the pinnacle of our species. Lawrence could work as the boom mic operator who never actually appears on camera, but mistakenly lets the shadow of her equipment show up in a small part of the frame and there would be talk of an Oscar nomination for her.
Personally, I want to see her play Han Solo’s daughter, Jaina. I wish I had a more concrete reason than “Because it would be the most bad ass thing,” for this casting choice, but I kind of think it’s all I really need.
Critics agreed that the best part of Men In Black III was the theme song, which replaced the Will Smith verses about suits and aliens with Pitbull trying to tie himself into the mythos of the series. Considering the almost immeasurable success that was, I feel that Pitbull deserves two roles in the upcoming film. The first role is an acting one. It’s nothing big, but I feel as if Pitbull should play something similar to Kuato, from Total Recall, that symbiotic mutant stuck in his brother’s abdomen. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he could pull it off.
The good guys would need to talk to an all-powerful wisdom of the Jedi order named Pix. Considering that “all-powerful wisdom of the Jedi order” would practically be method acting for Pitbull, you could simply have him say a few things about leaving the drug business and getting into the music business. I know that it wouldn’t make a lot of sense in the context of the plot, but in the grand scheme of things, it works to a certain, limited degree.
More importantly, Pitbull would need to be the man behind the film’s score. I know that a lot of fans would like John Williams to completely provide the music, but a remix over the end credits with Pitbull rapping over a synth version of the Star Wars theme would definitely extend audience appeal into demographics that no one, and I mean no one, ever thought they’d reach.
Hell, if you need lyrics for a sample verse, I’d be happy to provide them. Shit, I WILL provide them.
(Gone from Mr. 305. To Mr. Worldwide. To Mr. Galaxy, haha!)
Pitbull. Star Wars. Red carpet. Star floors.
Big rooms. Star doors. Voli. See stars (haha!)
Now it’s Luke and Han and Agent A,
Out from Alderaan and you know we play,
Leia, lay her, I can play all day,
Mami, whoa! You can say “I’ll say!”
See how much cash a Jedi can make,
And in space, no one can hear you say Dale!
I got lasers, but I aint la-zy,
Baby, I’m your father. Now fuck you, pay me!
Yes, I do accept cash.